


With my eyes wide open

by LittleQueenie



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-23
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-01-20 12:58:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 32
Words: 70,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1511411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleQueenie/pseuds/LittleQueenie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bearing the heavy burden of keeping the family secret, the children of the Kurta clan are strong, but also have difficulty trusting anyone outside of their family. Looking for such a connection without realizing it himself, Kurapika lets himself be swayed by the words and actions of a man he really shouldn't trust [KuroKura drabbles concerning PL][PL not a prerequisite read]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Word beforehand
> 
> This is a series of small happenings, and a way for people reading Psycho Love to look deeper into the character relationship for Chrollo/Kurapika before the advent of PL (for anyone interested). Those already reading the story need no further explanation.
> 
> For those who are not, this is an AU set following the rules of this world. In this AU, the Kurta help out those who can't pay their medical bills, but also have to hide a big secret: through generations of experimenting, they have been able to cultivate their eyes to be far superior to those of a normal human's. Along the experimentation, an unusual red color also emerged, which they have to hide constantly. Although generally all of this is kept secret, people that find out about this, hunt them down. In order to protect themselves, after their 12th year, the children are taught to track potential threats next to receiving medical training - though not nearly as demanding as the Zoldyck upbringing.  
> Assassins are a very real thing in this world too, though, and it's become hard for a lot of the children to trust anyone outside of the family. Kurapika not being an exception.
> 
> That's the most important thing you need to know. This is not necessarily written to be a completely coherent story, even though of course I work up 'till the point where it meets Psycho Love. It's mostly cute situations, and serious conversations.
> 
> (And although this is basically my fluffy side, I do have to warn you that it gets dark towards the end)
> 
> Hope you will enjoy. *bows politely*

'Hey there.' I looked around a little surprised. Not because someone talked to me, but that the voice speaking wasn't a voice I knew. Since I was just doing some shopping after school for the family, I didn't exactly expect someone to address me. I looked around at the man after having loaded up the car.

'Can I help you?' Upbringing dictated that I be polite, even though I didn't really know what his agenda was. I'm not really free to have elaborate conversations with strangers, even though I'm 16 by now and they should trust me a little that I won't randomly spill the family secrets.

'Well, I was wondering if you needed it, but apparently you're doing alright.'

'I'm used to carrying this much, don't worry about it.' I smiled back at him. When he didn't respond immediately, I excused myself. 'I'll be off then.' The moment I turned around he decided to speak up though. I sighed a little.

'Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come over this impolite. I'm actually a new teacher at your school. I saw you in the hallway this afternoon and wanted to lend a hand.'

'What kind of subject do you teach? Maybe I'll see you in class.' My own courteousness was killing me. I leaned both my arms on the roof of the car and looked back at him. 'You're probably the youngest teacher at school now, aren't you?' We weren't exactly known for our revolutionary new systems or ways of thinking, and this mainly had to do with the average age of 50 of the staff.

'Hahaha, that's not really a question, is it. But since you asked so politely, I teach physics, and I'm 24. The name's Chrollo, Chrollo Lucilfer, pleasure to meet you.' I turned away from the car when he took a step closer and extended his hand to shake mine,

'Kurapika Kurta, 16, male, not legal yet.' He started laughing again when I mentioned that.

'You've had your share of uncomfortable situations, haven't you?' He let go of my hand. Next to being half the age of most teachers, he was also more polite and accommodating than the rest of them. I wonder why they hired someone like him.

'I know how I look, I always give warning.'

'Don't worry, I'm not coming on to you. I just wanted to meet your acquaintance. I'll not be seeing you in class though, your name wasn't on the list of students.'

'Well, then this is probably our last conversation.'

'How come?' For someone not coming on to me, he was acting really interested. If he had a history of sexual assault, he would never have been hired though. So there was a very slim chance that he was actually interested in just talking with me.

'Because you're a good-looking, 24 year old physics teacher, in a school full with fossils who call themselves teachers, and hormonal adolescents. I think you're going to need bodyguards.' He started laughing again when I mentioned that, and it elicited a huff from me as well. He didn't seem like a bad person, but that never said much, did it. I've learned otherwise.

'Thank you for the compliment, you're probably right. You didn't seem all that occupied with any of that when I saw you at school though. You come across more as someone who's bearing responsibility.' He leaned lightly against the car, and I decided to cut it off at that point.

'Is this going to be a long conversation? 'Cos my family's waiting for me to get home.' I looked back up in his eyes when he pushed away from the car again. _You're strange. You're an anomaly in this neighborhood._ Irritatingly enough, that made him interesting.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hold you.' He raised his hands in apology, and I took a breath before apologizing myself,

'No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come over as rude. But I really have to go now. Good luck tomorrow.'

'Thank you. And I hope this wasn't our last conversation.' He nodded politely and smiled. He's being genuine, isn't he? Something about me was interesting to him. It made me wary about him knowing our secret, but I didn't sense the usual malice or danger that came with that interest. You're very strange. I need to keep an eye open to you.

'Same here. I'll see you later.' I gave him a short wave before stepping back into the car, and got a wave back before driving off. Someone like you doesn't belong in this place, you'll be eaten alive by the staff. And if they don't, then it'll be by the students. If the dean really thinks you can handle all of that, then you have the power of persuasion. I need to watch out for someone like that.

Not counting any of that though, he had a pleasant air about him. At the very least, perhaps it's a possibility to have intelligent discussions with him. I would like to have that one of these days, outside of my family.


	2. Chapter 2

Somewhere I'd thought that him teaching at the school had been a pretty lie, but it turns out that it wasn't. When walking back to the library a couple days later, I turned to look inside one of the classrooms that was louder than it should be. With only one glance, I saw him standing there, being swarmed by students, even though class had long since ended. I laughed silently to myself when I saw that my predictions had been correct. Teenage hormones seem to be a little too much to handle for him after all. Although, he doesn't seem to be bothered by it, so maybe giving this attention is actually dealing with it.

When done with everyone, he stood up and straightened his back again, sighing in relief that that was over. Seeing that, made me laugh again, and I caught his eye this time. He turned his head my way and smiled back at me. _If you're not coming on to me, then this is just you being nice?_ Well, if he'd been desperate for it, he would've looked for me, wouldn't he. Instead of that, I'm coming to him.

I waited until class was empty – hearing everything those girls (and two guys) were gossiping about him - and he walked to the door opening to talk to me this time,

'Well, it seems your predictions were correct on one thing, but at the least we're having our second conversation today.'

'You should hear what they say about you, it's really shameless.' I responded, and he leaned his shoulder against the doorframe, pocketing his hands.

'Oh, I know what they're saying about me, it's not been long since I was the same, you know. Plus they may think they're whispering, but they're really not.' He laughed a little at that himself. Yeah, no, subtlety is not something for most teenagers. 'Do you have class to go to, or do you have the time to talk a little this time?' I was put on alert in an instant,

'What do you want to talk about? You don't know any of my family, I'm not in your class, you're not a counselor, so what reason next to risking your career do you have in talking to me?' The look in his eyes didn't change when he answered.

'You just seem like an interesting individual. Plus, the topics most of the teachers here talk about, are not very interesting to me.' Alert went higher when he said the first part. _Do you know about us?_ I can't casually ask that, can I.

'So you're just looking for someone to talk to? Because I'm not the most entertaining when it comes to that.' Plus, at home no-one really trusts me yet that I won't accidentally spill our secret; real contact with anyone out here only goes as far as needed.

'On the contrary, you look like you have a lot to say that most of your age wouldn't understand. So don't hesitate if you ever have the need to, but please don't see me as a teacher. Just look at me as someone who likes to talk with you.'

'Everything coming out of your mouth sounds like a pick-up line.' I raised my voice saying that, and he started laughing more open when I did.

'Sorry about that. It's probably the reason I get swarmed a lot, don't you think? But no, I'm just genuinely interested in contact. I have to prepare for another class, but I hope that next time we can actually talk about our interests instead of why we should or shouldn't.' I nodded at him before indeed excusing myself, and he lazily lifted his hand to wave goodbye. "Genuinely interested in contact"? I sighed when I repeated that in my mind, it still sounded like a pick-up line. But I know how easily genuine interest like that can change to something more, and honestly, I don't feel like dealing with it on top of all of my other responsibilities. When I bump into him, I bump into him, but I'm not going to search out contact with someone like him.


	3. Chapter 3

_That's not how I'd intended to spend the night._

For the first time in weeks we'd gotten another extortion threat, and I'd been set to track the one who had. My foremost job had been to find a counter-extortion. However, he spotted me before I could. The moment he noticed my presence – because there was no way he could've seen me from that distance – and turned my way, I did as I'd been instructed.

I'd killed him.

I've had to do this before, that wasn't something new. But it will never sit well with me. I didn't even have the freedom to let my body work the disgusting feeling out, because I wasn't supposed to leave even the smallest amount of evidence.

Walking back to the car, I still felt paralyzed and sick of having to have done that. _I'd had to remove the bullet from his body… why can't these people just leave us alone, I don't want to do any of this to them…_

With that nauseous feeling in the back of my throat, I'd just wanted to get in the car, go back home, and let all of these feelings out. I really didn't feel like bumping into someone I knew, and I really didn't have the energy anymore to stay courteous.

'Are you everywhere? Are you stalking me?' I said, looking up at Chrollo. It wasn't the first time I ran into him, and I felt like dealing with him the least of all. Frankly, the notion that he could possibly have been witness of what I do for the family, only added up to the stress in my body.

'Have I done something wrong? I'm just on my way back from a movie. It's not so strange for me to be here, is it. It's more strange for you at this hour.' I sighed with a light tremor in my breath when he brought that notion to light. Honestly, I can't deal with anything right now. I thoroughly hate what I have to do for my family, but the ramifications if I wouldn't are worse than I want to think about. So I just do what I'm told. I wish I'd get more medical training than stuff like this though. _At the very least, I am allowed to take care of it from a distance._ Not having to make use of specialized equipment because of our sight gives us great cover – but apparently not great enough. The thing killing me the most was actually that I'll never know if he'd actually noticed me or not…

'My apologies, I didn't mean to offend you, I'm just having a really bad night.' I took another deep breath and closed my eyes for a second. _I'll deal with this on my own, just let me pass._

'Do you need help to calm down, then? Or should I drive you home?'

'You can keep out of my business.' I opened my eyes back up at him, my voice still lightly trembling, even though I tried to stop it from doing so. Chrollo wasn't scared off by the words though. Instead he just inclined his head and responded on a soft tone.

'I'm sorry if I have offended you. Seems like you have a lot on your plate right now, I'll be on my way.' _You're too damn understanding, it's killing me._ When he wanted to walk past me, I hung my head a little, and spoke up,

'Wait!' I turned my head when I heard his footsteps come to a halt. 'I'm sorry I'm being so rude. Actually, a drink would be nice.' He turned back around as well. _What am I saying? I'm going to become an alcoholic if I'm going to start drinking this sickening feeling away…_ On top of that, I can't actually vent with this guy, I should just walk away. _But there's something about the way you act towards me that's making it impossible to…_

'Won't your parents be worried if you're out this late on a weekday? Should they be called?'

'That's alright, I'm out late more often like this, it's nothing exceptional.' He gave me another smile before walking back to me. I should've taken the way out he offered. 'Let's just find a place that's not so crowded, people might get the wrong idea, and it'll cost you your job as well as my reputation.' I'm just trying to find time away from everything surrounding my family, aren't I?

'Sounds good.' He stopped right in front of me, and looked down at me a little, 'Wherever we go though, I'd hide that gun a little better.' My eyes shot wide open and blood retreated from my face when he said that. My whole body stopped for a second before my heart started increasing rhythm, and I was unable to do as he told. _No, you didn't see anything, please tell me you didn't actually see the act..!_

'Don't worry, I know your family takes care of a lot of people that can't afford their medical bills. I can imagine that that doesn't sit well with some people.' _Do you know more?! Is that really all you think it is?_ The stress of these insecurities was intensifying the nauseous feeling a bit too much… He lifted his hand and took care of the gun when he saw I wasn't able to. 'I'm just sorry that someone your age is chosen to do something like this.' His hand lifted from hiding the gun, to the side of my face, and softly lay there a second. _What are you doing…?_ 'I guess I'm picking the place to go to, aren't I. Just follow me. I'm not going to hurt you or turn you in, I'm not a stranger to a life like this being pushed on you.' When I recovered from the larger part of the shock, he turned around and started walking to a more secluded area.

 _You're not a stranger to this world? That only makes you more dangerous._ I stopped after a couple of minutes when my need for compassion and clarity got overpowered by logical fear. My breaths were shallow, and in the back of my mind I heard the eternal message engraved to me, "Take out anyone who's seen you do your job. If anyone gets curious or knows about our secret, we're not safe anymore." I can't handle two kills in one night, and Chrollo really doesn't deserve it… _I don't want to do this…_ It wasn't until I took a couple of steps back, that he stopped and turned halfway around.

'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have persisted in doing this after that moment, should I? You're probably conflicted about having to kill me to, aren't you? I can assure you that I won't tell anyone, but that doesn't mean anything at this point, does it?' He turned around completely and took the couple of steps that had remained in between us. By all means I should step back, but he's dealing with this so naturally that really don't know how to deal with it…'Your voice is paralyzed with fear and disgust, you're still shaking because of what you had to do before, on top of that I've only been kind to you, even though you have doubts if I'm not using you because of your family. Is that what your family has brought you up to believe? That if someone wants contact with you, it's because of your family? That's a hard life to live, isn't-'

'Stop it…' I brought out with a small voice. I didn't know if I could believe him, if I could trust that he'd keep the secret, I don't know the first thing about him, but he seemed to understand and accept this part of my life that I detested within an instant, and I couldn't take it… _I hate this part of my life, please hate it too…_ 'I-' _I can't kill you if you keep talking like this._ I couldn't even look up at him.

'Do you still want to talk, or should I just walk away? If you want to, I can give you an excuse for not doing this.' _Please, please give that to me…_ I had my eyes shut tightly, I couldn't take this moment on top of everything else. 'Even though no-one would be able to track this information down, I have been in this shady part of the world longer than you have. I've known about the measures your family has to take for longer than this, _that's_ why I first approached you. Curiosity. After talking with you a little, this curiosity shifted to you, and how someone as sensitive as you keeps himself going. You look so strong and vulnerable at the same time; I haven't seen that in this intensity before. I never meant to confuse you this much. I have been selfish.' He paused a second,

'Also, and this is meant in a non-threatening way, I've had more experience in this world than you have, you wouldn't be able to kill me without laying down your own life.' Although the last words made me want to step back, the first ones had ushered me to raise my hands and clutched them in his shirt. I'm weak. I don't even know if any of what he's saying can be trusted, but I'm just accepting it because he doesn't reject this part of my life? _I'm_ not _this desperate!_ 'You _must_ have contact within your family, don't you? But away from them, it feels like you're on your own against the world, doesn't it? It's alright, I don't mind any of this.' He released himself from my grip, and moved us a little more to the side of the path, close to a wall. When we stopped again, he lay his arms around me and pulled me close, burying his face on top of my head a little. 'You should just go home right away. If that's where your comfort is, then you need to be there.' I lifted my own arms again, and loosely wrapped them around his waist. _I don't know you, I don't know the first thing about you, I'm still vulnerable because of my job, you're so damn accepting and understanding, I can't take it… I can't take it… it doesn't make sense that I'm doing any of this… Please just go away…_

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

'How are you doing?' I turned around on the spot when Chrollo had found me again at school a week later. By any means, I wasn't intending on keeping this contact lasting. If that would happen, chances were fairly big that I would really start to feel comfortable around him – he's that kind of person - and our true secret would come out. _I can't have that, I don't want to kill anyone, please stay away from me._ 'Do you have anyone to talk to about this? Do you take counseling for this?' He continued talking even when I'd already removed myself a couple of steps, but luckily, one of my own teachers intervened, taking the conversation off my hands.

'For what purpose would Kurapika need counseling, Mr. Lucilfer? He's our top student.' With a small gesture though, he commanded me to stay for this conversation. I turned around and looked Chrollo directly in the eyes. _If you so much as hint at what happened last week, I think I'll suddenly stop having problems to kill._

'Nothing too serious, but the pressure of being top student can be high. I've heard he's not really socializing, so I thought some counseling would actually help.' He casually pocketed his hands and smiled back at me. _Wipe that fake smile off your face please._

'We're short on counselors, so I rather keep them free for people who actually have a problem.' I responded myself, and my teacher followed up on it,

'That is basically the case here. I know you come from a bigger school, but here we do not have the resources for small problems like this that can be solved at home.' I felt my eyebrow twitch when he mentioned that home could take care of it, and Chrollo unfortunately noticed.

'Oh, don't get the wrong idea, when I was an intern at my previous school there was little room for counseling as well. We were very prestigious, but also greedy. There was no money at all for something as "trivial" as counseling.' _Did you actually work there, or is all of this just cover up?_ 'Because of that, I made sure students always knew they could talk to me. I'd hate to see someone with so much promise like Kurapika fail at something just because he didn't have someone to talk to.' You liar, you never counseled before in your life, have you?

'You have experience in this field?' _Goddamnit, no, don't fall for it,_

'That's okay, I don't really have a need for counseling either way. It's a lot of work, but I'm managing just fine. I have a very understanding family at home that provides me with the support I need.' My teacher looked back at me a second, 'Although it is kind of you to offer this advice, Mr. Lucilfer, I don't want to inconvenience you with something that doesn't really need the attention.' _Please give it a rest, adding you to my life, will only give me_ more _stress._

'Oh, but it's no problem at all. I'll not force it on you, of course, but you can make an appointment with me if you need it.'

'Hold up, we'd need to do paperwork for that first. But I do agree that it's not a bad idea if you see him once or twice, Kurapika. You seem more stressed than usual.' _Yeah, and the problem is standing right in front of us._ None of this hostility reached my teacher though, and Chrollo ignored it. _Goddamn all of you._

'Exams are coming up, so of course I'm more stressed.'

'I know you're not one for asking help, but it can't hurt. Please make an appointment with Mr. Lucilfer first thing tomorrow.' I narrowed my eyes at Chrollo, but was trying to contain my rage at this point. Even though it was his victory, I didn't see a celebration of this anywhere in his body language.

So ultimately I just sighed and raised my voice to give my final response.

'I refuse.'

'Kurapika!'

'I don't like this man, and counseling with someone you don't like is counterproductive, isn't it? Like I said, I get enough support from home to deal with everything, I'm not-'

'If I had a penny for every time a student told me they didn't like a teacher or any member of the staff, I'd be filthy rich by now. You're going to see him tomorrow for an appointment.' _Goddamn all of this._

'… …Fine. Can I go now?'

'You're excused, and don't show that attitude again.' I was excused, but my teacher was the first one to leave. Gesturing for Chrollo to follow me, I decided to take him along to a more quiet place to speak my mind, and we ended up outside. Once we reached a clear parking lot, he spoke up first.

'I'm sorry, I never intended to force you into this, you clearly-' I reached up and smacked him across the face.

'You know _nothing_ about my situation! You think just because you witnessed something, that you understand?! How _dare_ you make this more stressing for me than it already is?!' In the height of emotion, I smacked his head back the other way. _I couldn't believe this fucking guy!_

'I'm sorry. I thought it would help you. I will have a word with your teacher to annul this, alright?' He looked back at me like none of the previous minutes had happened. 'But seeing you like that last week, I think you're fooling yourself if you say you're doing just fine.' My eyes widened even further when I heard the nerve of that guy saying something like that. So I was ready to slap him again, but this time he intercepted me by grabbing hold of my wrist, _goddamn you!_ 'No matter how well you believe you can deal with it, bearing a secret like that is heavy. The burden doesn't really show itself until confronted with a stressful situation though, and last week that happened. You broke down instantly.' He let go of my wrist, even though I still wanted to smack him. 'You think I don't understand your situation? I was brought up to be an Assassin, I've had my share of stress.' I took a step back when he mentioned his actual profession.

'You're afraid of me now? That's not strange, but don't you think that a specialist like me would have taken your life already if I was interested? No, interest doesn't even matter. I'm a professional, I don't kill unless I'm ordered to.' I took another step back. 'Still unsure? Information gathering by intimate contact isn't how Assassins work, you know this. The fact that we've already been seen together would put me on the list of suspects if I wanted to do anything to either you or your family. I have no interest in taking you out.' His reasoning made sense, but my instinct still dictated I take another step back. His lips curled up when he saw this, and he hung his head a moment.

'I guess it can't be helped. I don't know a lot of people who'd react positively to learning of my profession. If there's still any doubt about the teaching, that profession is not a lie. I'm not specifically here to track down a target, I just needed to leave the last city I lived.' He looked back up when he noticed I'd stopped taking steps back. 'But this is all rudimentary information. Ask me anything you want to know to be able to trust me, because I'd hate to see an open heart like yours go to waste.' He held his hand out a second, but dropped it again when I delayed my answer.

_I'm a fool for not walking away._

'I can't even know if you really are an Assassin. There's nothing you can say that will make me feel comfortable around you.'

'Oh? Then it's actions you need? Just like last week?'

'Last week meant _nothing!_ ' I violently gestured with those words, but I was lying to myself. I'd nearly cried in his arms just for not rejecting me at that point. I can't say that that's nothing, even though I want to. 'I already know everything you just told me, it's nothing new, and it's just the way I'm going to live.'

'But what if you could still protect your family without being unhappy? What if there _was_ another way to live that you just don't know about yet?' _What is he…_

'Then I-' _Then I won't take it…_ I wanted to answer resolutely, but it didn't make sense and it was killing me. There is no other way, is there? _But I'd like there to be…_ I can't even know for certain this guy's an Assassin like he says he is. Neither is it certain that he'd be bothered by being a suspect in the murder of my family. _Who are you?_

'Hm? Is the only way you'll accept really through action?' I shuffled my foot back when he took a step in my direction. 'If anything, you should realize I'm not going to kill you here. It would be too obvious and messy, and I'd want to keep from drawing all that attention.' I looked straight in his eyes when he took another step, and continued the motion when he realized I wasn't walking away anymore. 'You can frisk me for weapons if that will make you feel better.' I scowled at him for asking, and answered through my teeth, snarling,

'I goddamn hate you.'

'That's a lie.' Realizing at that point that it actually was, I allowed him to lay his arms around my shoulders, and softly pressed my head next to his. What I actually hate, is that I'm so goddamn twisted at this point by what I have to do, that I realize I don't trust anyone anymore outside the family. _And that hurts like hell._ I felt my chest tighten and muscles stress when that realization passed through me.

My arms lifted themselves when I heard the calm rhythm of his heartbeat next to my own increased one. _I don't trust you, I can't trust a word you say. But I want to. I want to be able to trust someone._ The mere thought passing through made my throat clench up. I can't handle any of these deep-rooted emotions being surfaced, there's a reason I push them away to be able to do what I do. _But I can't actually stop it if you keep doing and saying stuff like this. Because it actually feels good to let go._


	5. Chapter 5

'So, how does this usually go.' After awkwardly having made an appointment the next day after all, I sat down in front of him in his office after classes were over by the end of the week. I'd calmed down a little in the meantime, but still wasn't completely sure about taking this risk.

'That depends. Do you want a clinical conversation, or do you want it to be more relaxed? Because I would love to hear more about your own psychological analyses, but I don't think there's a whole lot to learn from that anymore, is there. Unless you feel the need to say it out loud, of course.' He casually leant an elbow on his desk, and lay his head on his hand. This whole situation was beyond strange.

'I know how clinical goes, but what do you mean by more relaxed?'

'We'd go to a place you like, and hold a casual conversation there, letting it take its own course.' _Are you still coming on to me?_ I raised an eyebrow in disbelief when I heard the proposition,

'You did this at your last school? I never heard of a method like that.'

'If it's results you're looking for to confirm the success of this method, I'd be more than happy to refer you to my previous school.' I raised my hand in denial, I didn't need that. Any record he has there might as well be falsified, so I didn't even bother.

'Do you have permission to leave school grounds with me then? Won't that get you into trouble?' He smiled when I asked the question, and got a little bashful under it. I should not be focusing on if it's unfavorable for him or not, I should be focusing on me.

'Don't worry about me, I've been granted permission for this. But if you're worried about gossip, then we can just stay here.'

'I don't care about gossip. I care about it about as much as I do about the people spreading it.' A soft chuckle exited his throat before he stood up, and I followed his example.

'Since we're going out, I can give you about one hour of counseling. Anything beyond that is off the record completely.' While walking out the office and waiting for him to close it, for a split second I wondered how much of our conversation would actually be documented. Although I almost knew for certain that nothing incriminating would be written down, I asked anyway,

'I take it that anything specific about my family will be off-record as well.'

'I wouldn't think about it to put that on the record of the incompetent people here at school. Now, where would you like to go?'

* * *

In the end, I'd picked a quiet cafe far away from where others from school would come. Not that I minded gossip about the man in front of me, but I wanted to be at a place where no-one would accidentally overhear something they shouldn't. I still can't believe I'm about to confide in someone about all of this. _I'm out of my mind._ Subconsciously, I shook my head at it,

'Still uncomfortable? Want to go somewhere else? You've been glaring at me for a while now.'

'… Why do you care so much? It's not because you've never had someone to talk to yourself, you look more than capable to do that without being caught. If you're from the authorities for either child protective services, or the police, we've struck up deals with both and you're wasting your time.' He waited to answer until we got our drinks,

'It's that hard to believe that I care, is it?'

'All you do is keep up appearances. You come across as caring, but that face of yours is too clean to not be hiding something.' I pointed at the thing before lowering my hand again.

'You're pointing at the fact that I'm hiding emotions then, because hiding information is understandable in my line of work.'

'Of course I'm talking about that.'

'Then yes I am.' I was slightly taken aback when I got a straight answer out of him for that, and apparently the surprise could be read on my face. He started laughing before responding, 'I'm sorry. But it's not so much a choice as it's become a state of being for me. I've been forced to live this way for so long, I don't know how to do any differently by now.' Surprise made way for sympathy when he uttered that. _Would I become like that too?_ 'It's one of the reasons I'm doing this, by the way. I am a specialist in my field, but you're not. You don't have to become the same. I think your family's medical knowledge is amazing, and I hope that you will be allowed in due time, to mainly contribute to that.' There's still so many levels on which he could be lying, but it was slowly stopping to matter. Because whatever his reason, I _do_ feel glad that I can talk to someone, and his words comfort me. There was this small amount of fear in the back of my mind that all of this was still to take advantage of me, that maybe he was just looking for someone, and waited until I'd slip. _I'll keep all specific information to myself then._

'I am… I'm already being trained for that, what you caught me doing is the side job.'

'Ah, that's good to hear. I was hoping that was the case.'

'… …' It left me quiet though. This was all amazingly surreal. In a matter of little over two weeks, I didn't know what to believe anymore. 'There's really no way anymore for you to display your emotions?' _I was asking about him?_

'Careful choice of words, because I do indeed still have them. But to answer your question: I honestly don't know. Seeing as how much it comes in handy in my profession, I've never strived for it.' I shrugged, _makes sense._ 'Was that curiosity or interest, by the way?' While taking a sip from his drink, he looked at me with playfulness, and it caught me off guard. After putting his drink back down, he started laughing again. 'I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, but you blush so easily.'

'Excuse me?' I responded insulted, unable to actually make my face cool down. 'What is that even supposed to mean?!'

'What it means, is that even though you grew up the way you did, you're still human, and I like that. I think we met at the right time in our lives.' When I felt my face heat up even more and I couldn't form a proper response, I gave up. I took a deep breath and let my head find its way to the table. I couldn't believe myself, I am _not_ reacting to these kinds of pretty words, '"I'm not like those dimwitted hormones at school" "I actually have real responsibilities" "I'm glad I don't fuss over trifle things such as that" "Do their brains even exist?" Am I on the right track? Is that what you've been telling yourself?' I could hear his amusement,

'Please stop.' I muffled against the table surface. He was dead on, and I was hating myself for it. 'When you say it out loud like that, I sound really immature.' I lifted my face again after that, but I couldn't hate him when he looked straight at me. _We were not even talking about my family,_

'Well, in the respects of being an adolescent, you are, aren't you? Although you have a lot more experience in the burdens of adult life, you don't really know how to relax, do you?' I shook my head,

'The most relaxation I get, is when I get my medical training. Because I actually love doing that.' I'm glad he didn't steer that question a-

'You've never fallen in love, have you?' -nother way. _Goddamn it._

'Is there a point to this question?!' I got a little irritated by this. _Can we_ not _embarrass me for a second?_ 'Of course I haven't, I can't even trust anyone!' I closed my eyes a second to curse myself when the thought crossed my mind of "Well now you seem to can." _This is changing too quickly, I can't keep up,_

'You should try it in due time, I hear it can do wonders. To be able to trust anyone that much, it must be wonderful.' _I can't… I really can't with this guy._ I always feel like he's either joking or pulling my leg, but then I look at him, and all I see is some strange kind of sincerity being sent back. I don't know if I'm projecting it though, because he shouldn't be able to display emotions.

'Yeah I've seen what it does, thank you. I come from a loving family.'

'You're lucky to have that.'I relaxed a bit more when the feeling of back home washed over me. I bear a lot of burdens to keep us all alive, but I get so much love from them whether I do or don't do something. It's how I've been able to do all of this. 'See, still unhappy that you decided to talk with me?' I sighed at his question and gave him a bored look. 'You can pout at me all you want, but from the moment I first saw you at school, you haven't looked this content. Don't blame yourself for allowing that to happen, just enjoy it.' I raked some strands of hair back behind my ear when a gush of wind blew it in my face, and looked down at my drink for a while, just letting things sink in. He's not forcing me to talk about anything, even though he must be curious. I appreciate that. He's just letting me ask the questions, and he answers them no matter what. It feels better than I'd expected.

I looked back up at him when he let his attention wander elsewhere in this silence. Chrollo's probably not even your real name though. _What kind of person would you have become if you hadn't been born an Assassin?_

'I would've either gone into Psychology, or chosen teaching as a full-time job.' _Goddamnit I said that out loud?_ 'No matter my upbringing, I have a knack for the human mind. If I wouldn't have gotten this job, I'd probably be helping a lot more than just you right now. Although it does go both ways a little doesn't it. I mean, I don't object being able to talk about my life like this either.' At first I was shocked that I'd actually asked the question, but while he was answering, I forgot that I was. So when he looked back at me in the silence, I smiled back at him.

I'm probably being a huge idiot for believing any of this, but I decided to stop caring the moment I realized that it didn't matter if it was the truth; I really haven't felt relaxation like this in too long. _I've missed this kind of freedom._

I excused myself when my phone started vibrating, and took the call, turning away from Chrollo. I already started to dread the call, because I'd told my parents I'd be late today before I went to school. There was really only one reason left for them to call, and I very much enjoyed my time _not_ doing that.

'Kurapika.' I answered, keeping better notice of my surroundings,

 _'Honey, I know you're on extracurricular activities right now, but you have to come home early. We have a new patient that needs to be taken care of.'_ I closed my eyes and took a deep breath when I heard the dreaded words. _New patient means I need to keep an eye on them to kill them if they betray us, I'll be stalking for the coming weeks._

'I can be home in an hour. How long do you think treatment is going to take this time?'

_'Shouldn't take longer than two hours. See you soon, love you.'_

'Love you too.' I opened my eyes again when the call ended. I looked at the apparatus in my hand while letting this sink in. This last week, most prominently in the relaxation of this conversation with Chrollo, I'd gotten the small hope that I wouldn't have to deal with this stress again. _Well wasn't that a short-lived dream._

'I never said you'd never have do it again, did I?' His words took me out of my trance, and put attention back on him,

'Did I say that out loud again?' He shook his head, and I gave him a tired smile. 'I'm that obvious, aren't I.'

'Don't worry about any of this. The situation's still different, isn't it? It's not going to be like before again, I'll still be here to talk to.'

'Thank you.' And I really was grateful, 'I have about enough time to finish this drink, after that I'll have to get going.'

'That's alright. We'll just make a new appointment. If you want, I can even teach you some things concerning stalking and taking care of a target.'

'You could tell me, but I'm not going to confirm anything concerning my knowledge.'

'You don't need to.' _That was really nice to hear._ 'I was about to say that I could even take care of it for you, but that's not going to be allowed, is it?' He laughed a little, he knew the answer to that himself already. I still shook my head,

'Thank you for the offer though.'

'Don't mention it. Need a ride back to your place?'

'Are you for real?' I raised my volume a little when he offered even more. 'We hardly know each other, why would you do all of this for me? And don't say that it's just because you care.'

'Well, we hardly know each other, but we do know something about each other that we don't share with anyone else, don't we. I guess I got a little carried away myself.' _I really can't get mad at him, his good intentions are killing me._ I took a breath to calm down before answering,

'That's true. I'm sorry I said it like that, but I'll be fine on my own. Let's just make an appointment for another day. It can take a while though. I'll be busy for another two weeks.'

'Then let's just make the agreement you come to me when you need it. Because I have this feeling you'll need the help during this job.' I probably will.

'… …Can I stop thanking you by now, I'm starting to feel like a broken record.'

'Don't worry about thanking me verbally, your expression shows all the gratitude already.'

'… I'm _still_ not sure you're not coming on to me.' I squinted back at him, but he waved it off, laughing softly. A couple minutes later we parted ways, but not before he'd given me a short hug in goodbye. After that he turned around and lazily lifted his hand in goodbye. _No matter what happens from here on out, I'm glad I at least got to feel this level of comfort with anyone._


	6. Chapter 6

'Are you still awake?' I shocked awake when I felt the hand on my back. I stood up in a panic and slammed my hands on the table,

'What time is it?!' _I need to stalk my target, I need to get out of here, I-!_

'Calm down. You got a free day, remember?' I rubbed my eyes a little before turning around to see Chrollo standing there. He lay a hand on my shoulder to make me sit down again. _That's right, I've been following my target around for ten days now._ She moved around a lot, it'd actually been too tiring for me to handle this time. I didn't even ask for time off; as my official counselor, Chrollo had called my home to ask what was the matter, because teachers had noted that I'd started falling asleep in class, and they were worried. That same evening my parents told me to take the next day off, that someone else was going to take care of my target today.

But instead of going home early, I'd opted to stay in school and study some more in the library.

'It's six in the evening, they'll be closing up soon.' Apparently a little too long. I rubbed my face with both hands when I heard the time, and Chrollo sat down beside me, facing me. 'Why is it so hard this time? According to records you've never had this kind of relapse. Would you like to talk again?'

'It's nothing special, don't worry about it. She just moves around more than I'm used to.' I rubbed my face again before folding my hands in front of me on the still open books, and wondered if any ink had rubbed off on me,

'Or perhaps all this talk about making it easier has left you longing for this easier life, and it's too tiring to realize that a change like that is not going to happen instantaneously?' I turned my head to give him an exasperated reply,

'I really don't feel like talking about stuff like that right now.'

'You look like you could fall asleep again at any minute. Do you need more days off?'

'I can't do that to Pairo.'

'Then how can I help.' Now that it's been ten days, I felt less pressured by this need of his to lend a hand, so I absentmindedly started searching my brain for a way. We'd had talks now and again in the meantime, and it had relaxed me more and more around him. So maybe this was a good time to ask for tips to either stay awake, or decrease the amount of physical activity while stalking someone. By now I felt comfortable enough to do that without being scared of spilling any kind of family secret, and we were all alone at the moment, so that's-

My thought process halted within the second when he rubbed his thumb along my cheek. I closed my eye during, and gave him a questioning look after.

'You had some ink there. You were wondering that, right?'

'Yeah, yeah I was.' I rubbed over it again.

'I'm sorry, I disturbed your thought process.'

'No, that's alright.' I looked back at him, still close, and 'till the end of time I will keep claiming that it was a hallucination from my sleep deprived brain. But apparently it did happen. He inclined his head, and nearly closed his eyes, searching out my lips with his. Not really knowing what to do with the situation, I sat there, frozen, with my eyes wide open for the couple of seconds that that lasted.

'Should I be sorry for that too? Because you had this look in your eyes that you wouldn't mind.' I… I… I… _Holy fucking shit._ I placed a hand over my mouth and shoved the chair away from him some more. 'Did I cross the boundary? Because I know you're not worried about the effects on our professional relationship at the moment.' _All that fucking time claiming he wasn't coming on to me!_ I glared at him when I remembered every time he'd said that.

'You fucking liar!' I refused to remove the hand from my mouth though. My face was about as red as it could become, and that hand was the only thing keeping it from sight.

'Your first kiss, was it? Is that why you're upset? Or did I misinterpret where this was going?'

'I don't even know where to start.' I muttered insulted through my hand.

'Were you still determining the course? I'm sorry if I've taken action too early. I thought you were ready. But I'm not a liar. I was never coming on to you. It was never my intention for it to go this way. But over the course of the last couple of weeks, I do believe this is what I wanted to do.'

'But you don't feel anything.' The scowl was making way for a more confused state of mind.

'I do. I've told you this. I don't show anything, but I do feel everything. One of these feelings having become this kind of affection.' I covered my face with both hands and started trembling a little. _This wasn't happening, this wasn't… I'm not like those dimwits at school, I'm not blushing!_ I squeezed my eyes shut when thinking all of that, until I heard movement again. Chrollo had gotten up from his chair, and leant down to take my hands away from my face. 'I'm a little torn between leaving you to get through this process alone and to kiss you again.' I looked up in his eyes like a deer in headlight. So somewhere I was really, really pissed when he leant our hands in my lap and closed his lips in on mine again, and somewhere I couldn't help to stay completely frozen. Well, not completely frozen.

He stopped an inch away from me.

'You're trembling, do I need to stop for today?' I squeezed his hands tightly when he asked the question, and he took the sign as that he was allowed to continue. This time I closed my eyes after a couple of seconds. I just didn't know what to do with all of this… Slowly, the trembling started to move from my hands to my heart. _Is it going that way? Has it been going this way? I don't know what this way is supposed to feel like._ But now that the step is being taken, I don't seem to want it to stop.

I don't know what's happening, am I happy? Do I want this? I actually trust him so much that I want this to happen?

'Don't cry.' He parted lips when that single tear had made its way down. He let go of one of my hands to stroke it away. 'Should we go somewhere more appropriate, or do you want to stay here?'

'Just… let's just stay here for now.' I couldn't look back up in his eyes anymore. I was too confused about everything. _What's happening?_

His hand lingered on my cheek, and a second later I closed my eyes when I felt a kiss on my forehead. It was warm, it was so affectionate… It was so unlike what I felt for my family…

'Do I need to kiss you again to stop this trembling as well?' He softly stroke with his thumb over my cheek, and I shook my head. _This school even unofficially rejects anything non-Christian; if anywhere, I never expected this to happen with anyone here, especially with a teacher._ My heart was pounding its way out of my chest.

Chrollo let go of me after a couple moments of silence, and kneeled down in front of me, sitting up on his knees. He lay his hands in my lap palm up, waiting for me to grab hold of them myself, but this time I decided to take action myself. Without lingering on it too much, I let my hands find their way to the sides of his face and lowered my head to kiss him again – if only to confirm that it had actually felt good. My heart started beating even faster, when Chrollo accommodated in this and leaned up some more, casually laying his hands against the side of my legs. My body was demanding for it to go further than that. _I don't know what's happening, but apparently it's something good._ I was trying to stop myself, but it was Chrollo that broke it off. This wasn't the time or place for any of this.

'Should I inform that I'm going to lock up so we can stay a bit longer?' Saying it out loud like that though, made me panic a little, and I shook my head,

'I—it's alright. I need to go home before they start worrying about me.' I want to do everything that just crossed my mind, but I can't and won't right now…

'I'll drive you. You're not in a state to do that right now.'

'Thanks.' He stood up first, reaching out a hand to help me up as well.

'I told you, all the thanks I need is in your expression.' He lay his hand against the side of my face again, giving me another short, soft kiss.

'D-don't do that without warning, I'm not—' _Goddamn I hate myself for stammering right now, I'm always calm and composed._ I sighed deeply and hung my head. I heard that soft laugh of his leaving his mouth again when I did.

'Don't worry about any of this. Just get some rest for the remainder of the day. We'll talk about it in between classes tomorrow if you want to.'

'How am I supposed to get any rest after this?' He lifted my head by the chin when he heard those mutterings, and made me look straight at him.

'You rather I just stay with you for the rest of the day then? Will that calm you down more?' First thought was that it was another joke of his, and I think it started out that way, but he was actually ready to do this if I needed it.

'I don't think that would help a whole lot.' I cursed myself again when I heard the skip in my voice. I felt a ton of stupid questions going through me that I never wanted to have. _"Is he just toying with me" "Does he really like me in that way" "Did anyone see this" "Someone like him can't possibly be interested in someone like me" "It's impossible for this to happen, and it shouldn't" "I'm going to wake up in the morning, and this will all have been an illusion"._ So yeah, maybe him actually staying over would help take that uneasiness away… but no matter how many times I thought about that, it was a suffocating thought for now. 'Just drop me off at my parents' house, that's good enough.'

'Understood.' I missed the physical contact as soon his hand slid away from my skin. I've never been this needy for it… but then again, I never knew what I was missing, did I.


	7. Chapter 7

'I'm not allowed to see you anymore, just so you know. I think I deserve a medal for what I've hauled myself through ever since you kissed me.' I let myself fall back in the chair when I entered Chrollo's office again. The stalking on my target had taken longer than expected, but the report back is, that she's not going to cause us any trouble. She didn't show signs that she noticed me, so she has no reason to think she's safe to do what she wants now that I'm off her tail. That damn woman went all over town though. I don't think I've slept a proper night since it all started. That's not exactly been doing wonders on my nerves, by the way.

'Did I cause you trouble? Did they find out something?'

'No, all they know is that since I started seeing a counselor, that I was more distracted. I haven't been avoiding you just because I was busy, I wasn't allowed near you again until this job was over.' I looked at him on the other side of the desk, and took a deep breath. Right now, he was both a sight for sore eyes, and making me really nervous. I walked by him in the hallways a lot, and it'd really been killing me to see him getting all that attention from others while I, as someone who actually had business to take care of with him, wasn't allowed near. _I feel hormonal and annoyed that it's been bothering me so much._

'I'm sorry to say that I don't really regret making you distracted.' Maybe I was imagining it, but I thought I saw a gleam in his eye, and I laughed a little. _You're still interested then?_ I slapped myself in the face in my mind for thinking something like that. I'm acting real calm about it right now, but my heart's been pounding out of my chest since that day two weeks ago. _You're making me believe I can trust someone, please don't shatter that now._ I guess it does boil down that, doesn't it. 'I can understand that you're hesitant, but please, just lock that door and we can talk freely.' He nodded at the door behind me. I raised an eyebrow when he asked me to do that just to talk, but I stood up to do as he asked either way. I have zero experience in this, I have no idea what's supposed to be sensible behavior. _Because I'll be damned if I'm gonna use my classmates as an example._

But while I had my back turned, I already heard him standing up. And at the moment I silently turned the lock, I felt his arms slide around my waist. He folded his hands in front of me, pressing himself a little against me, and laying his head next to mine on my shoulder. All those palpitations in the last two weeks were nothing compared to the rhythm in which my heart was now suddenly pounding out of my chest.

'Right here in school again? Isn't that a little too much.' I wanted to protest, and in my mind I pushed him away for doing this here; but in reality I just let him. There's been too much nerves too little sleep over the weeks.

I turned red when he started whispering in that deep voice of his, right next to my ear, ignoring what I said.

'I'm glad you came back.' My throat was turning dry, and even more so when he kissed my neck. He let out a low chuckle when he noticed my inexperience in all of this, and I was hesitant in between letting him and slapping him in the face. 'I'm sorry, I know you're not used to any of this, so please just tell me when I need to stop.'

'No, this is okay.' I scowled at myself when I actually said that, and closed my eyes, not really believing my actions right now. Alright, I either keep protesting, or I allow it, which one of these do I actually want? _I can't really think with your lips attached to my neck, Chrollo._

'Glad to hear that.' I raised my hand and let my fingers glide over his. _Fine. Maybe I don't mind so much right now._ 'I don't mean to sound cliché, but I did miss contact with you since then.' I still cursed myself for smiling when I heard those words. He's attaching to me so easily, I don't know how he's able to with what he does for a living, and somewhere I want to know how he does it. Because I'm drawing up blanks as to what to do.

'It's only cliché because a lot of people like saying it.' _I'm killing myself saying and doing all of this._ 'I guess my parents forbidding me to see you says enough about how I've been, don't you think?'

'I'd still like to hear you say it.' He smiled against my increasingly more sensitive becoming skin,

'I have no idea what you're talking about, I already said I've been distracted.'

'That just says that you've experienced something new or unexpected in your life.'

'Well it was both of them.'

'But did you like the experience?'

'You're being ridiculous.' I started wanting to get out of the situation, and scowled at the door in front of me while Chrollo made his way to the other side of my neck. _Goddamn you, man._ 'Of course I liked the experience, why else would I voluntarily search you out again the first moment I'm allowed to.'

'Is it so difficult to say?'

'It is when I don't know what you're expecting me to say.' I shivered a little when his lips trailed a little higher to my ear.

'You do know.'

'I'm not so easily convinced to say it.' I still stubbornly held on to that shred of pride, but the warm pressure around my back, and his breath against my skin was not doing wonders for my thinking capacity.

'You won't regret it, I promise.' _Goddamnit…_

'…Fine. I've been thinking about kissing you again. Happy now?' _Goddamnit, I really hate being so flustered, but everything else feels so good, it's so confusing…_

My thought process stopped completely when his hands unfolded, and he turned me around by the waist, keeping a firm hold of it while he locked his lips with mine. A small sound escaped my throat in surprise, and my arms were still suspended in mid-air, but I melted as the seconds lasted, and I let my arms fall around his waist as well. _Yeah, I think I just need to admit that I actually like this feeling._ I inclined my head a bit more, and he started massaging my lips with his. I could feel excitement rising a little in the grip around my waist, but the same happened with me, and the anxious part of that excitement asked me to stop. So I pulled away a little. _It's happening so suddenly, is this really okay? I'm not allowed to date yet, am I?_

'I'm sorry, this…'

'It's alright, you decide the pace.' He allowed some room between us again. 'I do have the feeling you want to do this, but you need some more time to discern if I'll really give you the freedom, don't you?'

'I kind of do.' A little embarrassed that I did, because he hasn't done anything bad, but I really need the space to figure out what's happening inside of me, to gain that small amount of control.

'So how about now that you're allowed near me again, we go back to that first café we went to and have a drink after school? I think you need some more counseling.' _Oh please don't smile at me like that, it makes it really difficult for me to think things through…_

I was surprised out of a kiss for a moment, before he kept hovering less than an inch away,

'You were asking for that one.'

'Goddamnit you're shameless.' I started smiling myself though, and returned the favor. _What the hell, at least this part I now know I like._ Slowly, my hands started gripping his shirt tighter as the contact lasted. I don't even know any more if I'm anxious because I need to let it go, take it slow, that I should be more careful or take more risks. So when the kiss was trailed from my lips all the way back to my neck, a small gasp escaped me, and in reflex I pressed even closer to him. His hands started sliding along my back some more, and he lingered there for too long for me to able to take it. So after a couple moments, he took a break to whisper to me,

'If I said I was sorry for doing this to you, you know I'd be lying, right?'

'Yeah, we're going to stop right now.' _I've never been in situations like this, I don't know how to contain myself, and we are_ not _going beyond this; most certainly not here._ He took a little more distance from my neck.

'Just take small, controlled breaths. You want to explore the emotional connection first, don't you? I can understand, knowing how you probably grew up.' I bit my lip when the first answer that came to mind was a no – basically my hormones speaking - and the second one, the one that left my lips, had about the opposite emotional weight – a question that had passed my mind in the last two weeks, and I didn't understand why I actually vocalized it,

'But you're an Assassin. Even if it's alright that you're going to be affiliated with someone because we as a family can take it,' His grip slowly softened, '…you're not homebound, and becoming emotionally attached to you is futile.' _Well there went the last filter I had on my speech, didn't it._

'You've given it a lot of thought, haven't you. You really do think highly of me.' _I don't completely understand why._ Instead of gripping me tight, he started simply embracing me, and I lay my head against his shoulder. _I've probably thought about it more than I should after just one kiss._ But it had been more to me than that, hadn't it. For the first time, I actually hadn't minded that someone would take the action. I'm an idiot, but I actually seem to want this, and you're not going anywhere now that I've allowed it. 'I don't know how the future's going to be. I will probably be gone for extended periods of time, but I'm my own employer, I can come back to you whenever I want.' _You're not real, this is not how Assassins are,_ 'I think your family actually accepting me would be the bigger problem though.'

'As long as you don't say you know about my job in the family, and you don't tell about your other job, that's alright.' I muttered, but accepting that other job is probably never going to happen.

'I was also talking about the fact that I'm 24, and legally speaking I'd be a pedophile.' He laughed a little when I almost choked, trying to get a response out of my throat. 'Never even crossed your mind, did it?' _Can't really say that it did._ But my family's very thorough in background checks, so this is probably _not_ going to end well. 'Should I falsify some information for them to find? Or should we just keep the relationship at my place.' I buried my face a little further in his shirt with the mention of that kind of freedom.

'I won't be able to keep this a secret forever. One time or another, someone will demand I bring this crush of mine to the house for dinner.'

'So I better start working on that falsification fast, shouldn't I? Do you think they'll accept it if I'm 18 or 19?'

'That's good enough.' _I am_ not _having this conversation._

'Then let's cut this contact short before I tempt you too much into doing something you don't want yet. I'll see you after classes are over, alright?' _Damn right I'd be tempted._ Goddamnit brain, you're supposed to keep me sensible.

'Alright.' My voice was shaking a little,

And that didn't decrease when I looked back up in his eyes from this close.

'Hope you can still focus on class a bit. I'll see you at five, and don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. I know how big of a deal this is for you. I wouldn't have taken action if I thought I wasn't actually interested.' He gave me a last, short kiss goodbye before letting go of me. It was hard breaking eye contact when getting my bag again,

'You know, it's hard to leave when you keep looking at me like that.' I said to that, and he casually pocketed his hands.

'Then you should stop being so open for me.' I raised my voice when I heard the playfulness in his voice,

'Do you really think you should be talking like that to a student, Mr. Lucilfer?'

'I think it's allowed with an advanced student such as you, Mr. Kurta.' Before opening the door, when passing him, I got a slap to my ass, and he laughed at the shock and insult on my face. I barely contained myself slapping him in the face for that one though. _I have my dignity._

'That's definitely inappropriate behavior, I think I should report you.'

'You can report to me any time you like.' I opened the door and walked out before this taunting would indeed lead to something more than I could handle. _About everything just now had been too much to handle already though._ I took a very, _very_ deep breath and decided to go the bathroom first to calm down. Because going into class like this wasn't gonna make the lesson more effective.

_Is this really happening? It's really happening, isn't it? I'm dating someone now, aren't I._

I stopped walking in the middle of the hallway when that thought crossed my mind. A lot of insecurities had passed me in the last couple of weeks, and I can't say that they're all just magically gone, not by a long shot; but thanks to this little exchange today, it had actually started to feel like all of this happening was a good thing.


	8. Chapter 8

I take that back.

That good feeling lasted about for as long as the first "date" went. After that I made a couple of small, but for me unacceptable, blunders at home, and I'd had a hard time explaining as to the why. I think I barely managed to keep the secret. Because before I'm really sure where all of this is going, I'm not sharing it with anyone. Not that there's a lot of people I can share this with anyway, as Chrollo so subtly pointed out to me…

By the end of the week, and having had a laugh at my expense when I told him what happened at home, Chrollo had promised to restrain himself this time if it affected me so much. I'd taken that as well as I could, but standing where we were, I doubted that he'd been serious when he'd said that. And suddenly I understood why he'd opted we take _his_ car to the destination.

'This is not exactly making things better, you know.' I said as I got out and slammed the car door closed. I leaned over the roof, watching him lock the vehicle.

'Well, if there's anything that's going to make you trust my respect for your boundaries, it's coming here, isn't it?' I inclined my head and sighed, giving him an insulted look. When all he did was smile back over the car, I turned my eyes back up at the incredibly normal, boring looking house. Well, I don't know a lot about dating, but being taken here on a second date is most certainly pushing it. Especially with how nervous I still was about all of this.

'You coming? You covered for this, didn't you?' He raised his hand, gesturing me to come along. I'd covered for it, yes. I'd asked Pairo to cover for me, told him I had a date I wasn't sure about yet, so if he wanted to keep it quiet. He hadn't even given me an interrogation, he'd just accepted and looked happy for me. Apparently for a long time now I've been incredibly tense about everything. I hadn't even noticed before.

'You barely contained yourself in your office at school, what makes you think I trust you'll be able to do so at your own house?' I narrowed my eyes at him when he laughed a little, turning back to me some more. The wind was getting cold though, so I needed to decide on either the car again or his house.

'After everything, you really think I'm going to assault you without permission?'

'Well, you took me here on a lie.'

'There's nothing that I can say to make you believe me anyway, so it's still simply your choice.' That struck me. There was indeed nothing he could say to assure me he wasn't going to do anything once we got in there. He is physically more fit, and it's his territory. Stepping in there means I trust he's not going to abuse that power.

'It's bad taste to test me like this.' When I said this, he walked back to the car and leaned down on the other side of the roof,

'Although understandable that you don't yet, I just want you to be able to trust me. It's better to get that out of the way immediately than letting the insecurity drag on, don't you think.' I looked back in his eyes. 'It's the minimum I ask of you. I don't ask you to just trust me all the way immediately, but at the very least trust that I'm not going to physically assault you. Ever.' I held my breath a couple seconds, looking back at him. _This is stupid._ If I'll be dating him, I need to at least be able to trust this much. His lips upturned some more when I let out my breath again. 'Thank you.'

'You are a dead man if you touch me anywhere I don't want you to.' I walked back around the car, and Chrollo gently lay a hand on the small of my back when walking up the short path to the door.

'Don't worry, I know when to stop, and I'm not all about the physical aspect.' His door opened without an excess of security measures, somewhere I was real surprised about the normality of all of this. 'And you didn't think I'd have a flashy house doing what I do, did you?' He let me walk in first, and even took my coat while I stepped into the small living room. 'Also more normal than you expected?' He kissed me above the ear when passing me. 'Just because I do what I do, doesn't mean I don't like some comfort when I come back from a job.' He made his way over to the kitchen. 'But if you're uncomfortable talking about my profession then I will stop there.'

'You're really sensitive to atmosphere, aren't you?'

'There's a reason I am.' I followed him into the kitchen to see what he was doing, and got offered the choice of a drink. When I raised my hand to decline, he just took two glasses and I stepped aside, watching him take the entire choice of drinks to the living room table. At first I thought he was just joking doing this, but I couldn't suppress a laugh when he kept going.

'What are you doing?'

'Well, when you get thirsty halfway through the evening, at least we won't have to interrupt the moment to get it.' He stopped a second to kiss me, 'We can just talk, we can watch a movie, if you haven't had dinner yet, we can order some food.' He continued on his one remaining trip before sitting down on the couch, and apparently waiting for me.

'Just that? Just… hanging out?' I took slow steps towards the couch myself, being kept an eye on by him.

'Well, since you seem to enjoy that the most, why not?' It doesn't really feel like a date if we do just that, would it. But fine, why not. He's holding back on my account, so it's okay.

'Alright, some background tv noise and talking is fine with me.' Apparently when I sat down next to him, I was too far away, and he scooted closer, laying an arm around my shoulders and pulling me a little against him. He laughed when he noticed I really didn't know how to act in these kinds of situations. Well, technically I know, 'Can you not?' I spoke up, but my face was already turning slightly red.

'I'm sorry, I'm not used to someone as innocent as you are.'

'Well excuse me.' When I pulled away a little, I got pulled back immediately, and the hand around my shoulders softly pushed me close enough for him to kiss me above the ear again. This was a level of intimacy I wasn't used to. We were here, just the two of us, everything around was completely silent, and I could notice every little sound and movement of his as well as mine. I couldn't completely deal with that yet.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult, it was actually meant as a compliment.' It didn't help when I heard him whisper those words while his hand glided back down. 'I didn't think I'd get the chance to meet someone like you.'

'You're full of the right words, aren't you.' I complained a little.

'Well, now I'm hurt. I'm being honest here, are you going to-'

'How _can_ you be?' I finally asked. He loosened his grip and let me sit a bit more upright to turn and look at him. 'You grew up developing an expression that's incapable of showing true emotion, how can you trust _me_ so quickly?' This is the man who casually told me he was an assassin,

'You underestimate the dangers I grew up with.' His expression changed a little, and it demanded I gave him my full attention. 'It's been do or die for me for twenty years. Next to learning how to quickly read people and their intentions, I've also learned to take quick action before it's too late. Tell me, if I wouldn't have kissed you two weeks ago, would you have ever taken the chance? Would you have ever known you actually wanted to do that?'

'… Probably not.'

'Then don't curse me for being able to do this. It wouldn't have helped us if both of us had been-' He stopped talking when I took a deep breath and leaned in for a kiss myself. The notion that I liked doing that started to linger longer every time it happened, and now had seemed like a good time when I felt the impulse and hadn't started thinking it through yet. He let me pull away myself, and I noticed I'd leant my hand on his leg. I casually retreated that, but of course Chrollo had noticed.

So when our heads were still close and our eyes narrowly open, he spoke up. I could feel his breath softly tickling me when he did,

'Well I don't think I mind being interrupted _that_ way.'

'I'm not making a habit of it.'

'Well, that's too bad.' A second later he grabbed me by the waist, and motioned me to sit over on his lap. I caught myself on his shoulders, and wanted to smack him for suddenly doing that and embarrassing me again, but the fact that I didn't completely mind held that back – marginally.

'Don't just suddenly do that!'

'Oh? So that kiss wasn't an invitation? Because I thought it was.' I let my hands slide down his arms a little, but I didn't really know what to do with them, so in the end they just slid back up where they came from.

'You knew it wasn't, I can see it in your eyes.' That small gleam was starting to become recognizable.

'You want me to release you again then?'

'If you do it again, you will suffer the consequences.' I had to look away from his eyes a second. When I did, his arms slid further around my waist, and pulled me a little closer, up to the point where I basically had to lay my arms around his shoulders completely. Coming _this_ close was getting a bit too much. I looked down at him, but he really didn't do anything until I'd give permission. Considering everything up until now, it started to feel cruel to hold out on him. On top of that, it wasn't like I disliked it. My dignity was bothering me too much in all of this, wasn't it.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes when I leaned in again. I could feel him smile against my lips, and my heartbeat increasing when he softly massaged his lips against mine. The intimacy of this slow and lazy moment was starting to sink in, and unknowingly, my arms slid down from his shoulders to his hips. His hands glided along my upper legs and a little over my ass, taking in the feel of my body at their leisure.

When turning my head the other way, I felt Chrollo's tongue lick along my lips, and I carefully extended mine as well. When that tantalizing feeling reached me, I let out a deeper breath through my nose, and adjusted my position a little. I felt tension in the man beneath me increase.

That didn't stop me though, and I pressed closer against him, slowly getting carried away in the moment. I let my hands glide along his side a little, and lowered myself some more to decrease the strain on my neck, but a short gasp from Chrollo made me stop moving.

'I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask you not to rub up against me too much if you want me to contain myself.' My eyes opened a little wider when him speaking up made realize what I was doing. 'No, please, I'm alright, just…' He sighed deeply and let his head fall back when I pulled away and sat further back on his legs. 'I am perfectly capable to hold myself in check, please don't freak out about it.' He changed opinion on his words when he looked back up at me after I'd raised a hand to cover my mouth. '…If I wouldn't have said anything, you would've continued, wouldn't you? _That's_ the matter? You really have grown up sheltered haven't you.'

'We're not allowed to date 'till we're 18, what do you think.' I spoke through my hand. It's still more of a guideline than an actual rule though.

'Even if you aren't, there's still a lot of persons who still have the need and search it out anyway. You really are completely dedicated to your family, aren't you?'

'That's not a bad thing.'

'Of course it's not. But this isn't either. I'll keep eye on your boundaries for you then. Please come back here.' He squeezed my waist to make me look back at him. When I did, he leaned up and softly kissed me. 'I'll make sure you're perfectly safe from your own hormones.'

'Goddamn you.'

'I should say that to you, turning me on like that.' He smiled against my lips when he felt the protest in my grip.

'If it's so hard for you, then I could just step off you right now.' I talked back, our lips still practically attached.

'Oh no, please continue what you were doing.'

'You like torturing yourself like that?'

'Delayed pleasure is all the more rewarding, don't you think?' His voice was dropping again, and I didn't know how much more of this I could take. I took a couple of breaths to decide. Taking those breaths with Chrollo still attached to me, made me realize that I mainly didn't trust myself at this point. I couldn't do it. Not tonight. I hung my forehead against his when I realized this. 'Alright, we'll just hang around the rest of the night, not a problem.'

'I'm sorry.'

'Don't be. I'm not going anywhere, there's no rush to it.'

'You're being too understanding.'

'Are you asking me to force you into it some more? Do you want me to take you over the edge?' I slightly shook my head, 'It's alright, it really is. I'm just cursing myself a little that I stopped you.'

'Deal with it.' I spoke up more resolute before shuffling back and standing back up from him. I cursed myself as well when I looked back down at his crotch a second just to check if something was visible. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath to get me out of this mode. I saw he'd noticed me looking, and I turned around again to maybe get one of those drinks. But the second I turned, he grabbed my hips again and pulled me back over him, laying his arms around me, and his head next to mine on my shoulder.

'You see, even with the look you just gave me, I'm perfectly capable to keep myself in check.' I had to laugh about all of this right now. _I'm being an idiot_. I'm so scared of becoming like my classmates that I never even dared to think about doing any of this, and it's left me being this awkward mess right now.

'You know what, as soon as I trust myself with you, I'll let you know just as subtly as just now.' A small groan escaped his lips.

'Well, saying that made it just a little bit harder.' I laughed again at the unintended pun, even though it made me uncomfortable.

'Can I have my drink now, then?'

'Just take what you want.' He loosened his grip, and let me stand back up. He refused a drink himself, and this time I dared sit close next to him a little more. In two hours I'd be heading back home, but I didn't mind sitting in his arms for that amount of time. This was slowly starting to feel more and more comfortable as we started talking about everything and nothing.

No, I have to agree again with my previous statement, this _does_ feel alright.


	9. Chapter 9

Although things in the dating area had been going well, things at home had taken a turn for the worse.

'Chrollo, I'm sorry, I can't make it today.'

 _'Why? What's the matter?'_ Everything was the matter. A couple of days ago, Pairo's sister had committed suicide. For the entire family, but most of all for my best friend, this had come completely out of the blue. I've been preoccupied with being there for him. Her death, together with the two deaths by patient and murder in the last six months, was taken with a lot of pain by all of us. Pressure is rising on all of us.

'I'm sorry I should've remembered to call you earlier, but we had a funeral today. I'm not really in the mood to come by anymore.' _That's a lie._ I hadn't called him on purpose. Somewhere I'd hoped to still have enough energy to escape the grief and find comfort with him today, but I really didn't.

_'My condolences. Was it someone close to you?'_

'Someone from the family, yes.' I closed my eyes, remembering Pairo when he told all those nice stories about her…. _He really didn't deserve this,_

_'If it was murder, want me to take care of the murderer?'_

'No, no, you don't have to do that, it was suicide. There's been enough death for one day anyway. But thank you for the offer.'

 _'Never a problem.' If it_ had _been murder, that would've probably spared us another death._ I sighed and shook my head at the realization that I was dating an Assassin. Sometimes I forget his real profession. With how he's been acting around me these last two weeks, you can't really blame me though. _'Want to set another date then, or shall I call again tomorrow?'_

'Who're you talking to Kura?' I was interrupted before I could answer. I turned my head and spoke up when I saw my mother appearing from around the corner to the kitchen.

'It's just Chrollo, mom. I'm canceling the appointment for today, I forgot to do that.' I started rubbing my eyes, I hadn't slept very well this week,

'Chrollo? You mean your counselor? Just invite him to dinner, it's alright with me.'

'Excuse me?' I stopped my movement when I heard that proposition. _Where did that suddenly come from?_

'Look, tonight's going to be hard either way. It's been a tough couple of days on all of us, and you don't need to play the martyr and sacrifice yourself to make us feel better. You either go to him either way, or he comes here for diner.' I blinked a couple of times at these words, 'He's doing wonders for your mood, so I want you to see him.' Before she walked out of my sight, she gave me a knowing look, and I whispered into the phone, horrified,

'She knows…' _She goddamn knows…_

_'Your mother knows we're dating?' When had she found out and why hadn't she reacted to it before if she knew?!_

'Of course I know Kura, You've not exactly been subtly lovestruck.' Embarrassed that she said that, I followed her around the corner with the phone still next to my ear, not believing what I was hearing.

'You know this, but you're okay with it?!'

'Why wouldn't I be?' I was surprised to hear such a calm tone coming from her, it wasn't helping my confusion,

'I am not only dating – something we're practically forbidden to – but I'm a dating a 24 year old male teacher from my school. Excuse me that I cannot simply accept that you're accepting this!' I heard my sister snort from the room behind me,

'Look, Kura, first of all, don't make such a fuss over it that I'm actually accepting this. Second,' _Oh god, she's going to count of the reasons_ … '…I don't know where you got the idea that I was homophobic. Third, he's not _your_ teacher, so I really don't care. And fourth, your father and I are ten years apart, did you really think age difference was going to matter to me? Frankly, I'd like it more if he'd come by, by now. Seeing as you're probably following him around like a chick follows their mother hen, considering the way you've been around the house.' _Please stop saying that I've been obvious,_ 'I just want to find out if he's not simply using you. So tell him that he's welcome here by five.' She stuck her tongue out at me when I looked too dumbfounded to give a retort. Was my face red? Because it felt like it was burning up on the spot,

'Mom!' _I can't believe I actually took that tone._ For appearances though, I covered the phone, 'You can't be serious! What about everything you've ever taught me about protecting our family? Why am I getting an exception?' None of this was making sense to me,

'We already did a background check on him weeks ago, he's clean. Apart from petty theft when he was 13, there's nothing. Just be careful not to let him see your real eye color. But I think we've taught you well enough not to do that, haven't we.' _I can't believe any of this…_ I walked back around the corner and let myself fall back against the wall.

 _'So, what's the verdict?'_ I removed my hand from the phone, still dumbfounded. _My mind couldn't comprehend any of this on a day like today,_

'Apparently you're coming to dinner tonight, and you're supposed to be here at five.'

_'I'm meeting your parents tonight? Isn't that a little inappropriate, you just had a funeral today.'_

'It was my mom's own decision.' I shut my eyes tight, and pinched the bridge of my nose, not completely believing that my mother actually just said all of that.

 _'She probably feels like she needs to take control, doesn't she. If she already knows about you and me, then she wants certainty that I'm not going to hurt you.'_ That's probably it… _'It's alright though, you know I have the time tonight. I'll behave.'_

'You sure you're okay with this?'

_'The real question is, are you? Because neither I or your mother are having any problems with this.'_

'Sure, let's just do this.' I sighed the words to him. _Sure, why not, it's already been such a grand day…_

_'Don't sound so exasperated, I won't make the evening any harder on you than it already is. I'll be there to support you, not embarrass you.'_

'Thank you.' _Well, if someone can pull that off, it's probably Chrollo_. 'I'm sorry, I'll stop doubting this. I'll see you in about an hour then.'

_'Till then. Love you.'_

'Love you too.' My eyes shot wide open when the words sank in. _What just happened? Oh god no._ No no no no. Not today of all days, how goddamn _dare_ you. I felt like crying out of lack of comprehension now.

_This goddamn day._

_And there was still the whole night left._


	10. Chapter 10

'I am so sorry.' I hung my head and sighed when I opened the door for Chrollo. He could only laugh about my exasperation though, so I immediately looked back up at him. 'And we're talking about the stunt you pulled over the phone after all this is through.' I was not particularly happy that the first time those words had been said, had been over the phone or even on this goddamn day for that matter.

'My apologies, it kind of slipped out.' The gleam in his eyes was saying otherwise. It's hard to gauge someone who generally cannot show genuine emotion though, so that gleam was all I could go by.

I heard my mother already approaching from the kitchen. He was in luck, dad was still out taking care of some business with Pairo's family, so he only had one parent to worry about. 'Thank you for saying it back either way, though. I know it's been a hard day for you.' With my mother already in the hallway, he decided to lean over and give me a short kiss. I could feel my face turn red, and heard Lianna make an annoying sound from behind mom. I pulled away immediately and wanted to scold him for doing that, but we were interrupted before I had the chance to.

'Mr. Lucilfer, glad to finally make your acquaintance.'

'The pleasure is mine. My condolences on your niece.' Annoyed, I still let him pass. Mainly disgruntled with mom wanting to interrogate him on a day like this, I wanted to follow behind them to make sure he wasn't harassed too much, but Lianna stopped me before we even got out of the hallway, and wanted to drag me off with her right away.

'Kura~'

'What?' I sighed the word, pulling my arm out of her hand, too tired from everything,

'Have you guys done it yet?' My eyes shocked open wide to hear that question suddenly come from her, my face involuntarily contorted in fairly unpleasant surprise,

'A-are you kidding me?! You're eleven, why are you already concerned with stuff like that?!' She grinned back up at me wickedly. _What is happening tonight?_

'So you haven't.' I glared down at her, not dignifying it with an answer. 'What's it like with someone older than you?' I wasn't left alone for a second though.

'I didn't know mom gave you the task to interrogate me.' I turned away from her, walking back into the living room, but she stayed practically glued to me. 'And just ask mom and dad. I swear to god though if you plan on dating someone 15 or over, I'm personally strangling him.' I leaned back against the couch, trying to catch a glimpse of the two currently in the kitchen. But she blocked sight to there by jumping up on the couch, leaning her hands on the backrest, closing her face in on mine. I had to back away a little. _Tonight has just begun and I'm already beat from the day, where do you get your damn energy from,_

'Ne, what do you guys do when you're together if you're not having sex?'

'None of your damn business!' I replied exasperated. I was starting to lose my patience already.

'And if you guys _are_ gonna do it, how does that go with two guys?' …. _Excuse me?!_ After a short, sudden silence in both rooms, Lianna getting an incredulous from me, I heard Chrollo laugh at the question. Lianna turned around, her hair swishing behind her when she redirected the question to him. 'How's it done?'

'Lianna you are _not_ asking a question like _that_!' I raised my voice at her angrily, but Chrollo just raised his hand, and took over.

'It's not important how it's done. It's something private between me and Kurapika.' My face turned a deeper shade of red when he looked straight back at me, and I indignantly turned my eyes away. _This is beyond private indeed._ Lianna still pouted back at him, wanting to continue the questioning, but mom interrupted,

'Lianna, Mr. Lucilfer may be so nice to answer you, but you know what I think of this kind of attitude, you're either going upstairs without _any_ of your electronic devices, or you're going to sit here, silently, until it's time to eat. What will it be?' Mom's tone told both of us that she was dead serious, and Lianna huffed and puffed at the ultimatum, sitting down on the couch with an angry look on her face. _Serves you right, you little nightmare._

After that debacle was over, I decided to just start helping out in the kitchen as well, but apparently I wasn't allowed to talk with Chrollo at all. _I thought you invited him over to soothe me, mom._ I gave her that look, but she ignored it time and time again.

It wasn't until Chrollo stayed with me in the dining room while mom made the final preparations, that I could even interject a word in between her interrogation to talk with him.

'You're taking this well.' He leaned over to kiss me again, but I raised my hand in between us before he would reach his goal. 'Please not here and now.'

'I'm used to a lot worse than this. And it's less stress this way, right? In the long run it's better it happens, although timing is a little bad.' He pocketed his hands,

'A little?' He closed his eyes and shrugged when I repeated it, a second later hearing mom ask the next question already,

'Where did you say you grew up again?' He raised his voice to answer calmly,

'Meteor city, ma'am.'

'That's a poor city, isn't it? How were you able to get where you are now, growing up there?'

'Yes it is very poor, I had a hard time getting a decent education there, so I mainly schooled myself in the neighboring town. I worked in cleaning and maintaining the building itself for compensation.'

'That's quite admirable.'

'Thank you.'

'So you were good friends with the resident staff?' She turned the corner into the dining room, Chrollo turning around to her, _you already know all of this, mom,_

'Would you like me to get the contact information of that school? I'm sure they still remember me.' Her eyes narrowed a little when he let it be known he knew exactly what she was doing.

'Why would they remember you?'

'It's not every day that someone helps so much just to get an education. For the poor school that it still was, they will undoubtedly remember me.' She was silenced for a couple of seconds before she shrugged it off and said that just the contact information would be fine. When she stalked off to the living room to get an undoubtedly grumpy Lianna, Chrollo found the moment of distraction where he kissed me above my ear anyway.

'Goddamnit, I told you I didn't want that here!'

'There was no-one watching. I thought it was okay.'

'Not tonight please.' I sighed the words, Chrollo still sliding his arms around me from behind, pulling me into a short embrace.

'I'll not do it again unless asked to.'

'That's a good dog.' We both snorted when I said that.

'Well that's one way in which sex is possible.' I inhaled very deeply, closing my eyes, trying my utmost not to yell back at him, holding my breath. Lucky for him, before I could utter any kind of profanity, mom and Lianna had already come back to the dining room. Chrollo's hands slid away from my waist as he went to sit down at the table. _This goddamn night._

* * *

'I still can't believe any of this day's happening, to be honest.' I finally sat down on the couch next to Chrollo at the end of the night. By now, everyone was already getting ready for bed. Not only had Chrollo gotten a cross-examination during dinner as well – even more so when dad got home - they'd been able to keep him here the entire night. It's eleven, and _now_ they decide that it would actually help more if I had time alone with him. _Where did you guys even find the energy for this interrogation._

He'd taken all of this without a problem though. I guess being a specialist in Assassination, he's used to these kinds of talks – either getting them or having them with others.

'I think my favorite moment was from your little sister before she was sent upstairs, when she started wondering out loud how it would go.' I started grunting when remembering that moment, letting my head fall down in my hands, and shaking it; all night she'd been set on embarrassing me – _all night_. That damn eleven year old is too preoccupied with this stuff for her age. I heard Chrollo laugh next to me. _Thank god you have no shame, and thank god that you blew her off._ 'But next to this being extremely awkward at best, it was a good distraction for a while, wasn't it.' With a slight touch of his finger, he stroked some hair behind my ear. _Well, if it was_ one _thing,_

'It still hurts to have seen Pairo that devastated. I don't even want to imagine how it would feel if my own sister would do that.' I turned my head a little to be able to look at him.

'Don't worry, she doesn't seem like the type to commit suicide.'

'Pairo's sister didn't look it either.'

'The worst thing you can do right now is get overly concerned about her, because that will only push her further away.' I closed my eyes again and sighed in this realization. _I can't help something like that either way._ The moment that sigh escaped my lips, Chrollo decided to pull me closer. Unresisting by now after this entire day, I let my head lean against him, burying my face in his shoulder a little. When he turned my way some more to lay his other arm around me as well, I lazily lifted my hands around his waist. For a while, we stayed in the silence just like that. _This, this was all I needed right now._ The entire day I'd spent comforting family, being there for them, holding them, feeling their pain, staying strong. Now I could finally just let it go a little with someone who didn't have anything to do with the family, and wasn't feeling that same pain. It felt really warm and cozy…

'Don't fall asleep just yet. I still have to drive back.' He whispered to me after a couple of minutes when he noticed I started drifting off.

'Can't you just stay here for the night, you're really warm.' My sleepy brain wasn't helping me right now.

'I don't think your parents will appreciate that right away.'

'Then just take me to your place, that's fine with me.' I nuzzled a little further against his shoulder, not really caring what I was saying.

'I think they'll appreciate that even less.' I groaned a little when he mentioned that. _I don't want to get up anymore today._

'Goddamnit, don't be right all the time.'

'Haha, sorry about that.' I felt the soft touch of his hand gliding over my back. 'Come here.' He untangled us a little before grabbing my waist, and motioning me to sit with my legs on both sides of him, facing him. My eyes fluttered open a little at this physical activity. I felt his hands still on my waist, and I casually let mine rest on his for now. None of this was registering to me that my parents could take it the wrong way if they decided to come down one last time. 'Not tonight, but any time you feel like sleeping over at my place, you're welcome to. No strings attached.' I was slowly waking up a little. With the emphasis on the slow,

'You have an incredible amount of empathy for doing what you do.'

'It's my job, it's not my hobby. Besides, nine out of ten times I actually prevent more victims to happen.'

'That's probably true.' When he leaned away from the backrest, I accommodated and leant down to meet his lips halfway. I finally felt the freedom to do so. Just a month ago, this little action had sent me into a state of utter confusion. Now all that's left is a very pleasant and warm feeling.

'Don't worry, I'd kill any employer that would ask me to kill any of you.' I laughed a little when he said that. _Why, thank you so much._ He got another kiss for that one, lingering close to me, 'By the way, I've been meaning to ask something.'

'What?'

'Why do you wear colored contacts all day long?' My mood dropped again when the dreaded subject finally surfaced.

'Personal preference, don't worry about it.'

'Are you ashamed of their natural color? Do you have a disease?' He kissed one of my lids before leaning back when he heard an exasperated sigh. 'I'm sorry if it's a heavy subject for you.' I just raised my hand and answered.

'They just have an unusual color, I rather not catch attention with it.'

'But we're alone now, there's no threat, is there?'

'Don't take this personally, but I'm really uncomfortable removing them in front of anyone.' I turned my head away from him, but he turned it back by my chin. _I really don't want to deal with this now._

'One day I'd like to look in your real eyes, but if you're really this insecure about them, it can wait.' He let his hand slide back to my waist when I leaned in to him completely to kiss him. I could've easily stayed in that warmth all night, not thinking about all the pain.

Were it not for Lianna very subtly interrupting us again.

'Mom! Dad! They're having sex on the couch!' I almost choked when I heard that shrill voice scream back up to our parents, and pulled away from Chrollo who started laughing heartily at hearing that.

'You little bitch, you know goddamn well we're not doing that!' I yelled back at her, and stood up from Chrollo to chase her away. Stupidly laughing and sticking out her tongue, she ran back upstairs. Before I could run after her in a fit of maturity, I felt a pair of hands on my waist stop me and turn me around, pulling me against him for a final kiss for today. I was left a little dazed when he pulled away,

'Good night.' It wasn't until my eyes had followed him all the way out the door that I was able to say the same thing back,

'Good night…' _He just goddamn evaded the conversation I wanted to have earlier, didn't he._ It would take at least another week before I could spend the night with him though, I'm taking over the last couple of days from Pairo's target.

'He's alright, isn't he.' I heard my mother's voice softly from behind me. 'He passes.' I turned around to her. 'Somewhere I still have this notion that he's too perfect a boyfriend, but there's nothing about him that sets alarm bells ringing with my motherly instincts, so he passes. I'm sorry I was so rough on him.' It was at that point that I finally actually broke down crying after this entire week, and let myself be caught by my mother. _No matter how much I care about Chrollo, my family will always be most important to me, and today I had to take more than I could handle._ 'There, there. We'll get through this together.' I clutched around her tightly, smothering my cries on her shoulder. She kissed my cheek before laying her head next to mine. 'Never forget your own sorrow to catch someone else's, okay?' I felt some tears of hers fall down on my shoulder when she said that. Everything's been too much lately, hasn't it, for everyone. _I'm so glad I have all of you, please don't go anywhere._


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the rating has gone up :3

'You alright a little by now?' Because it would still cause complications if we were seen together in public, we usually agreed to either just go to his place, or take the car to go to the neighboring city. It was barely a half an hour drive from his house, so neither of us minded.

'Yeah, it's okay. By now we're all starting to get the feeling we'll be able to get through this.' Easier said than done. I've spent almost all my free time with Pairo, and it's been rough to see how it all affected his family. I couldn't let it get to me too much either, because I still had to track his target, and that had bothered me as well.

But hurt as they are, I could see they were looking for a place where they'd be able to accept they might never know what drove her to do this. It's gonna take a while, but I have faith that they will, and Pairo knows I'll always have time to spare for him.

'You're a really close family, aren't you.'

'Yeah, I'm glad we are.' I got a kiss from him when I closed the car door behind me, and leaned back against it. 'Thank you for giving me the time with my family.'

'You are very welcome, but I'm not letting you go anymore for the rest of the day, just so you know.' Chrollo hadn't really been on my mind, I have to admit. He's important, but he's only been here for a short while. Family will always come first.

'Well, it's a Saturday, so that's fine with me.' After everything I've done for the family this past week, it did feel good to step out of it and distract myself though. I used to just curl up with a book, or study our way of medicine some more when I wanted to relax, but I think I'm warming up to this method as well. 'Unless you're distracting yourself from schoolwork with me, of course.' He smiled before cupping my face and kissing me more wantingly after those words. I raised my hands to his waist when he stepped closer and pressed us against the car. It didn't take long for him to wanting to deepen the kiss, and I felt a chuckle in my throat when I noticed that neediness. Apparently he _has_ been thinking about me. He barely made enough room for our lips to move to ask,

'What? What's so funny?'

'Nothing really. But you really missed me a lot for being just one week apart.' He still didn't let go of my face,

'I don't hear you complaining though.'

'Why in the hell would I?' I laughed before our lips met again. But this time he didn't stay there, he trailed his kisses over my cheek to just below my ear, and made sure that for a short second, my throat made it clear that I'd apparently missed it as well. _Goddamn you, we're still in public!_ His hands glided down to my shoulders when he noticed I protested against this public display.

'You know, we don't _have_ to go out today.' On top of what he was doing to my dignity, those words made my face even more red; and I responded nervously, knowing what he meant.

'Ahaha… alright..?' I felt dignity slip away even farther, and he softly laughed at the tone,

'You don't _have_ to do anything, you know this right?'

'Yeah, I know.' He pulled away from my neck to look at me for a second. _Please don't,_

'You're afraid of laying yourself bare after all you've been taught, aren't you.'

'It sounds really stupid when you put it like that.' I relaxed my hands a bit more when I noticed them clasping his jacket. I don't know why it is exactly, because we've been taught to keep our minds to ourselves, not necessarily our bodies.

'That's because it is.' I glared at him when I noticed he was holding back a snicker. _This is a serious issue for me,_ 'We don't have to do everything at once, you know this too, right? If you're really so insecure about it, you don't have to lay yourself bare completely. Plus, I don't mind doing all the work.' I hung my head. It was honestly all I could do. I knew it were all just nonsensical insecurities, but I couldn't stop them. It took me a couple of seconds to find some new determination, and I raised my head again, looking him straight in the eyes. _I goddamn want to do this, I've been thinking about it on and off, I like being near him, it's time to stop hesitating before it becomes a real issue._

'You know what? I've been in goddamn mourning all week, damn right you're going to do all the work.' He smiled and laughed a little at the change in mood, but didn't hesitate either at this opportunity.

'Whatever you say.' He then grabbed my hand and nearly dragged me inside. I barely had enough time to lock my car from afar, before his front door closed behind us. _Holy shit, what have I just agreed to._

He locked the door behind me, and didn't waste any time taking his coat off, and kicking his shoes away. A bit surprised by these sudden actions, I didn't really do anything until he cupped my face again and took my breath away with a kiss. My hands lifted to his, and I inclined my head, being pushed back against the wall. This was so different than other times. And the difference became all too clear when he reached up to slowly unzip my jacket, not letting our lips part. He glided his hands back up over my chest, and hooked his hands under the piece of clothing, letting it glide off my shoulders to the floor when I dropped my hands. When I slid them back up to his hips, he pressed against me more firmly, placing a leg in between mine. I gasped into the kiss, feeling the vibration of a moan from him when I did. He really has been holding back all this time, hasn't he. It made me slightly anxious, but he didn't give me time to dwell on it. His hands found their way to my ass, and he pulled me even closer. When the pressure increased this much, I needed more air for my gasp, and our lips parted, my grip on his waist increasing.

'I take it you don't want to do it here.' He leaned his forehead against mine, he was slightly out of breath himself.

'Do I really have to say that?' I was somehow able to bring out. He took a deep inhale and squeezed my ass a bit tighter before letting go.

'Then let's go upstairs.' Everything was so close that I wasn't able to answer, but I did follow him up the stairs. The moment I stepped inside his bedroom, he grabbed me by the waist again, and pulled me close for a short, intense kiss. Caught off-guard by it, he was able to twirl me around and half throw me on the bed before I could react. When I sat back up again, my legs still hanging off the edge, he was already taking his shirt off,

'Hey! I told you to do all the work, not just throw me anywhere you please!'

'I'm sorry.' He stopped his strip show to step towards me and leaned his hands beside me on the bed, catching my lips again. Slowly, I lowered myself to my back, Chrollo already setting one knee on the edge, 'I may have gotten a little carried away.' I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm down, but that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

'Be a little more mindful.' Tentatively I reached my hands up to his torso, and glided them up over his shoulders. When I did, I caught his eyes again, and felt my face turning red again. I need to allow myself to goddamn do this. I slid back a little more on the bed, kicking off my shoes as well, Chrollo finding his way over me completely, leaning down on his elbows next to my head and started kissing my neck.

'You can do whatever you want, but you don't _have_ to do anything, alright?' When I nodded, he took a deeper breath, and let his lower body find its way down on mine. I slid my hands up and folded them behind his neck in his hair when he did, a small sound escaping my throat. His lips hovered close to my ear when he repeated the movement, placing himself a little better. He didn't stop there, and kept repeating it, the soft groans from his throat filling my ears. The only reason he stopped, was because I got increasingly more tense when I felt excitement rising.

Knowing that no words would help decrease that tension, he simply changed strategy. He lifted himself a little, and lowered his hand to ghost over the area that was causing me problems. When he pressed down on it more firmly, he simultaneously kissed me again, inhaling the groan that escaped my mouth. He didn't let go of my lips, and found my tongue with his, pulling me further into the sensation while he rubbed over me. I let my hands slide down to his shoulders, and took a firm hold there, trying to deal with all of this.

'Would it help if I stopped dragging this on? I love foreplay, but if it's making you too nervous-' I protested when he started talking either way. A soft laugh escaped his lips just before he leaned back up on his knees, giving me some distance, and he started carefully unbuttoning my shirt, making sure to ghost over my skin with his fingertips whenever he could. Constantly he was quietly asking permission, but I wasn't really able to make the decisions. So I just lay my arms above my head and let all of this happen, feeling his hands glide up and down my chest. Seeing and feeling him do this with such care, pulled me out of my anxiety a little, and I gasped when he leaned down again to first kiss my abdomen, slowly trailing up instead of down. His hands softly on my waist, I felt my back arch a little when his tongue twirled around one of my nipples. He better positioned himself when he noticed its positive effect, and lay his lips around it some more. In the space given to me, I shifted my legs to make it some more comfortable for myself. He trailed his tongue to the other side after a while, and he moaned over the wetted skin, sending the vibration over it. I'd long since closed my eyes to the sensation, and slowly got more comfortable in letting these small sounds of pleasure exit my throat.

After a while, he slid his hands further up over my shoulders, wanting me to take my shirt off completely. I sat up to help him do this, and shook the thing off me. I was left staring at his abs, and decided to try this for myself. I lay my lips against his skin, and I felt a slight shiver go through it. I lifted my hands, sliding them up the side of his legs, to his ass, and continued trailing my kisses for as far as I could, massaging the flesh underneath my palms. I was still shaking a little under all of this, but it got a little less when I felt his hands slide up into my hair to the back of my neck. I could tell he was getting excited under all of this, but he was still being gentle.

He pulled me away after a while, and slid back, pulling me up on my knees as well. Since he was taller than me, he still had to hunch over to kiss me, and pulled me closer again. My hands found their way to his hips again, but his didn't stay in one place for very long. He trailed his lips back to my ear when he asked for permission to open my pants, his finger already on the button. With a little trouble, I gave him a small nod, and increased my grip on his waist when I felt being given more freedom. Neither me nor him looked down, his face stayed next to mine when he carefully pulled both my pants and underwear down to expose me. I felt my breathing increase when his hand found its way around me, and my fingers clawed into his flesh. I let my head fall against his shoulder, and he softly kissed my ear while his hand started to move around me. _Well this is nothing compared to doing it myself…_

I felt my breaths shorten against his skin, and my eyes were shut tight. A louder moan escaped my throat when his thumb stroked along the tip. I felt a bit embarrassed that I was getting excited so easily.

When his touches got me far along enough, he started to set in a rhythm, and my hands got restless. His own breathing was starting to increase as well, and the sounds filling my ear were not doing much good for my restlessness. So when my fingertips found their way underneath the hem of his pants, he stopped his movements for now. I nuzzled against his shoulder some more, trying to catch my breath again.

Chrollo had other ideas about that though. He lay his hands on top of mine, and guided them from the side to the front of his pants,

'I wouldn't mind some more room myself.' He whispered next to me. _You are_ not _making me do this while I'm like this…_ I felt pathetic for trembling a little when I still started doing what he asked. He kissed my ear again when I did, whispering a thank you, and laying his hands on my hips again, sliding them back over my ass. When I felt like I'd done the impossible and pulled down his pants and underwear far enough, he took it over from me. He shuffled off from the bed, and pulled it off completely. When faced with the situation this dead on, I felt my face turning an incredible shade of red. So I was glad that when it did, Chrollo immediately crawled back over to me, motioning me to lay back down on my back, and he slid the pants off my legs as well. I had to bit the back of my hand when instead of lying over me, he decided to trail kisses up my inner thighs, but bypassing the most prominent part. His hand slid under the small of my back, wanting me to sit back up. I had no idea what was in store for me, so all I could do was follow what he was asking of me.

When he shuffled closer again, I placed my legs over his, wrapping them around his back, our foreheads meeting when his hands slid up and down my sides.

'Don't worry, I'm not entering you the first time.'

'Well, thank you.' When he shuffled us even closer, it got through to me completely just how much he was excited about all this as well. He leant down to kiss my lips, and moved my restless arms up around his neck. For a good while this was just how we were. I felt his erection against mine, and didn't know whether I had to be embarrassed, or wanted it to become more intense.

When his hand found its way around the both of us and pressed us together, I groaned into the kiss, and had to let go for air. The grip around his neck increased, and I rested my head against the side of his. As if the sounds exiting his throat as well weren't enough, the experienced movements around us, pressing us together, were not exactly keeping me from becoming more silent. I felt my fingers flex and unflex before settling on tightly clenched fists to release some of the tension. Carefully, I positioned myself a little better, and arched my back into the feeling when he started up a slow, steady rhythm. I couldn't take this anymore, all this tension, all this building up, and it was heard through my voice. I didn't want to come too quickly, but at the same time my body was begging for release. I bit into the flesh of his shoulder to smother my cries, but it didn't work when Chrollo let out a deeper breath when I did and his movements staggered. Purely for the distraction from myself, I repeated the action, getting the same reaction from him, but this time he was able to continue around us,

'Well, if you want it that much.' He whispered next to me, before deciding to increase the rhythm. My legs wrapped around him even more tightly, hooking my feet, and almost choking him with the grip around his neck. I was beyond the point where I could smother my cries any longer, and my hips started to move a little in rhythm to his hand.

'More…' I heard the word exit my throat, immediately regretting it when he gripped my waist tightly, and paid more attention to our tips. My breaths became more ragged than before, and I felt that I was close. The tone of my groans went up, and I couldn't hold back anymore when I felt him twitch against me. I cried out louder when the moment came and my legs nearly crushed his sides when I was finally allowed release. It became even worse when he let himself go as well a second later, and we rode out this ecstatic shocking feeling together.

I let myself go and felt my body relax against his. His hand slowly stopped moving when we were both done, and took a couple of moments to catch our breaths. I wish I hadn't been granted those moments though, because I didn't want realization dawning on me just yet.

'That wasn't so bad, was it?' _Easy for you to say, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it._ I slid my arms around him some more again, my head next to his on his shoulder. He let go of us, but refrained from laying that dirty hand on me. I appreciated that, and I nuzzled into his shoulder some more, my legs around him slowly starting to relax. I wasn't certain about what to do now that it was over, and I felt slightly embarrassed for letting myself go like that, making all those sounds. He kissed my ear to let me calm down some more, letting his lips linger a little. When the silence stretched on, he felt obligated to start conversation up again.

'I'd like to ask if you liked it, but I believe you did, didn't you.' I grunted when he actually brought that up, and a soft chuckle exited his throat. 'I'd love to do it again right away, give you all kinds of pleasurable moments, but I think you need some time to recuperate, don't you.' I nodded against his shoulder. I was trying to step out of my embarrassment, 'I'll be right back then, but I'd like to clean myself up a little first. I'll hand you a towel if you don't want to move away from the bed yet.'

'Appreciated.' I let my hands slide off his shoulders, and shuffled back a little, giving him the room to slide his legs off the side of the bed. After standing up though, he grabbed my chin and turned my head his way, kissing me softly.

'It's alright, I still love you.' He laughed when I gave him an insulted look back. I know I'm inexperienced in these matters, but all of this is kind of a big deal for me. For 16 years, I never knew anyone outside of my family. And now I don't only know someone, I have a relationship with him, I can trust him, and talk about it when something bothers me about my family. 'Oh, I wish I could say those words with the same intensity you're looking at me right now.' It made me smile, hearing those words. Also made me very self-conscious about my nudity at the moment. When he noticed, he gave me another kiss, and walked to the bathroom, throwing two towels back out at me. Standing up from the bed, I noticed I was still a bit unsteady on my feet. But I ignored that in favor of cleaning myself up in time to cover my nudity, and lean back against a clear part of wall, slowly letting it sink what had just happened. When Chrollo walked back out of the bathroom, he immediately sought me out again, and kissed me, leaning his elbow next to my head,

'You're making it impossible for me to stay away when you look like that.'

'Well, I never actually told you to stay away, did I.' _I can't believe I just said that…_ In response, he suddenly decided to scoop me up and throw me softly back on the bed. All the while, my protests were not doing anything to stop him, as he crawled over me on his hands and knees. He set his elbows next to my head,

'When I say that you make it difficult for me to stay away, you don't say something that makes it even harder. I thought you were smarter than that.' I felt the vibration of his heartfelt laugh, and couldn't help but follow his example. I was finally starting to relax a bit. So when Chrollo leaned down for another kiss, I met him halfway, pulling him down with me, cupping his face. I wasn't immediately up for another round, but this I didn't mind. I noticed though, that Chrollo was indeed holding himself back, so I pulled our lips apart for a second to speak up.

'I have a free night, so I could stay.' He let out a deep breath and hung his head, leaning his forehead against mine.

'You just keep going, don't you?' I laughed again.

'Will it work better if I say that we still need to have dinner?'

'Thank you.' He leaned back up on his knees. 'We do indeed need some food. Let's put some clothes on and go out for tonight.' I leaned up on my elbows,

'You sure you'll be able to restrain yourself in a restaurant?'

'Throwing it back at me, are you?'

'Naturally.'

'I'll better be able to at a restaurant than if we'd attempt to cook here.'

'Fair point.' I slid off the bed and started searching around for my clothes, making sure the towel would stay around my waist for now. Leaning down to pick up the garments was apparently an invitation for Chrollo to smack my ass, and in reflex I almost threw the clothes at him, but refrained just in time. 'You're goddamn depraved.'

'Why yes, yes I am.'

'I think we indeed need a public place to cool you down some more.' The look in his eyes told me that wasn't going to happen though. _Why did I invite myself here for the night again?_

'I think we both need that.'

'Instead of watching me get dressed, you could start getting dressed yourself, Mr. Lucilfer.' He smiled back at me before complying. I am really grateful that he's being considerate in all of this, because I honestly don't know where my nerves are anymore. This is too contrasting with the entire last week, I can't even start to fathom what's going on. _I came here to relax, I got a little more than I bargained for, didn't I._

Mah, at least I can't say that it's all bad…


	12. Chapter 12

'Well, that was… interesting.'

'You are too amused by all of this.' I took my jacket off and threw it against the hangers, not really caring where it would land, generally pissed off at the end of the night.

'Amused? Only because you seem to take it so hard, when there's absolutely no reason to.' I turned around with my arms crossed, watching him pick up my jacket and taking his own off as well.

'We were assaulted, how is that no reason to take it hard?'

'I understand that you've never had this before?'

'… …' When he stepped towards me, wanting to kiss it away, I turned back around and kicked off my shoes, helping myself to the couch. I'd protested coming back here, but he'd somehow convinced to come along either way, saying it would blow over.

'I'm sorry, but you _do_ know not all people take too kindly to same sex dating, especially not when there's an age difference. You stalk people for your family, you _must_ have seen this before.' I sighed deeply, of course I have, but…

'It's different when actually being on the receiving end, Chrollo.' He raised his hands when he heard the hostility. On our way back from the restaurant, where we'd mainly enjoyed the meal by talking - but even then had gotten some looks - someone had flown at us, screaming one thing or the other, and I'd taken care of it immediately.

'Either way that was quite a sight, you becoming so elegantly brutal in the blink of an eye. Although I know that's not something you want to be praised for. …And you may had gone a little overboard.' I sighed and let myself fall back on the couch completely, lifting my legs over the backrest.

'I don't take kindly to narrow-mindedness.' _At least that guy won't bother us ever again._ Granted that I indeed may had overreacted slightly. I'd just been enjoying today so much after the last two weeks, that someone interrupting it – especially for a reason like that – had needed to disappear immediately.

I tried to calm down from it a little, because overall the day had been nice, and took a couple of deep breaths. _Let's just focus on the good things that happened today._ I started to follow Chrollo around with my eyes while he locked all the doors and windows, putting on some extra surveillance, and disappearing to another room I didn't know existed. _You actually have hidden rooms._ That piqued my interest. When I heard some soft bleeps coming from there, curiosity overtook enough of my current anger, and rolled myself off the couch to follow him. 'What are you doing?'

'You're aware that I'm an Assassin, aren't you? I know how to cover my tracks, and I know how to stay hidden from even my clients, but for you to sleep soundly tonight, I'm putting on maximum security.' I stopped behind him, and watched him pressing in some controls. We take safety measures as well, but this was way beyond what I was used to. 'Excuse me.' I stepped back outside the room, and let him do all of this. In the first place, it had seemed only natural that I was witness to this; but when I gave it some extra thought, it was a sign of trust that I was allowed to be here and observe him do this. Not that I've ever had any kind of bad intention, but still it felt good.

'You're really easy to put in a good mood, you know that?' Stepping out of the room again, he locked that as well. I looked away, a little disgruntled that I'd forgotten about my anger so quickly. But weighing off this entire day, there really wasn't a whole lot to stay mad about.

'Let's just go to bed, please.'

'At half past ten on a Saturday night?'

'It's been a rather tiring day.' I already walked up the stairs, him following me close after.

'Hopefully not too tiring.' I snorted when I heard the words, and scolded myself for giving in so easily.

'We're not doing anything anymore today. You're incorrigible.'

'Yes I am.' Walking back into the bedroom, first thing I did was take off my shirt, second was that I took the lens case out of my pants pocket. Looking down at it, I realized there really wasn't a whole lot of choice. I couldn't possibly keep them in the entire day. 'You can keep your eyes closed for the rest of the night if you want, but after all we've done up until now, I don't really understand why that's still a sensitive subject.' He approached me from behind, and softly kissed me on the cheek when he noticed my musings. He leaned his head down on my shoulder after.

'Well actually I do. But I don't think that saying the reason out loud will help convince you to take them out, will it.' I sighed and closed my eyes. I'm a very, _very_ open book to this man (something that still makes me slightly uncomfortable). I'm not embarrassed about anything concerning my physique – the sex this afternoon not counting – the only thing I'm actually still hesitant about is anything concerning my family. So he must've realized it a while ago, that whatever was to be seen in my eyes, was something shared in my family that needed to be kept a secret.

'Well, if you understand, then it makes it easier for me to just keep my eyes closed.' He kissed me again before I followed him into the bathroom to wash up before going to bed. I didn't have the energy anymore to do anything. Somewhere I was glad that I didn't, enough happened already.

After finishing first, I was told to just take whatever side of the bed felt better for me, and he started walking around, closing the curtains here as well. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I waited until he was behind me to take those lenses out. Immediately closing my eyes, and crawling under the blankets with a borrowed sleeping shirt of his on. Somewhere, I really just wanted to be able to open my eyes, or still have the energy to enjoy this moment some more. I understand that the color draws attention, but if anyone's good at keeping the secret, it's Chrollo. Plus, he'll only know the color, not the actual reason why some people are interested. I know perfectly well that curiosity can easily take over as soon as the color's revealed, so do I trust Chrollo not to get that?

I rolled over to my back and covered my eyes with my arm, sighing deeply. _What an eventful day._

'You sure you want to keep your eyes closed? You're missing one hell of a striptease.' He let some piece of clothing fall a little harder on the floor, and I snorted at that very subtle action of his before responding,

'You're kidding, right? I already saw you naked this afternoon, you think this is going to convince me to show you something I've never shown before?' I already realized the grave I'd dug for myself while the words left my mouth,

'...….'

'Don't you _dare_ say it!' I raised my free hand, pointing a finger up in the air to make him stop. After doing that, I heard more of his clothes drop to the floor.

'Well, I'd hoped that seeing me this afternoon would have convinced you to strip me, actually. But now I'm still doing all the work.'

'You're still terrible.' I dropped my hand again. When I did, I felt extra pressure on the end of the bed, of Chrollo crawling up on it. 'What are you doing?'

'Perhaps you don't want to strip me right now, but the reverse _is_ true.' He stopped when he hung over me on all fours. Leaning down on his elbows, he searched out my lips with his. Slowly, I let my arm glide off my eyes, still keeping them closed, but not objecting to the tender, soft affection I was receiving. My hand found its way up behind his neck and into his hair, massaging the sensitive skin there. When I felt both his and mine breaths increase a little in anticipation, I quickly decided that doing some more of this really couldn't hurt. I'll find the energy somewhere, if only to just end this day on a happy note and forget this evening and my eyes,

'Well, you have my permission to strip me if you want to.' I brought out with a _lot_ of trouble, and I could only half believe that I'd said something embarrassing like that. I felt his amusement through his breaths, and he pulled the blankets down. He started by gliding his fingertips down my neck, and unbuttoning the sleep shirt I'd just put on. _Well, you're not letting the chance slip by, are you_. When he'd opened it wide, I sat up and let myself slide out of the sleeves. Sitting back on his knees, he let a hand slide along the side of my face and into my hair a little. Starting to trail his kisses to my neck, my own hands slid up his legs to his hips, and I laughed,

'You really stripped down completely?'

'I'm really confident in my persuasion skills.'

'Apparently, you are.' I let my hands find their way a little further up his abs and chest. For a short second I felt really smug for monopolizing this man.

'Kurapika?'

'Hm?' My hands glided back down to his bare hips.

'I understand your protectiveness over your family, but I really want to be selfish today.' I sighed deeply, and let my head fall against his chest. His hand glided down from my face to my waist. 'I understand it all really well, but that doesn't take away that I want all of you. I don't know what else I can say to persuade you, because pretty words will only drive you away, won't they.'

'I just buried a family member a week ago.'

'I'm sorry.'

'I also understand your point of view, I'm also sorry.'

'Being a couple of understanding persons doesn't bring us closer to a solution, does it.'

'Yeah, it _really_ doesn't help sometimes.' I've been taught the reasons why it's not allowed all my life, but this was the first time I was actually frustrated that it wasn't. It's been bothering me from the day we got together, but I'm not allowed until I'm eighteen, and that's little over a year from now. Am I going to wait until then? Waiting this out would purely be a test to see if the relationship would hold.

It's just too dangerous… if it won't hold, he's about the last person allowed to know of the color.

'Don't do it if you feel forced into it.' He must've noticed my doubt. To be honest, it's got to be really difficult not to notice the heart beating out of my chest at this point. If secret leaks out into the underworld through him… we won't be able to defend ourselves against the kind of contacts he most probably has. 'And especially don't do it if the pressure makes you this nervous.' I'm nervous because I've been drilled the reasons all my life, and the first time I want to go against them, all I can feel is anxiety. I either do this tonight, or I give in to what I've been taught and wait until I'm the right age, and I'm sure we will last. _That is not a decision I can make._ I felt his hands squeeze my waist a little, 'It's really alright, we'll just go to bed for tonight.'

'I'm sorry.' I let out a deep breath. I really can't make the decision, can I.

'Don't be, it's been a long day already.'

'No, I meant, if I'm going to show you this, I need the guarantee that we're going to stay together.'

'So that I won't betray you and your family?' I nodded, 'I'm sorry to say this, but… if I were to turn on you and your family at this point, it wouldn't really matter if you'd show them now or not.' A jolt went through me before he continued, 'Before I even asked you tonight, it was clear that it was an important secret to the family, and if I'd leave you now, I'd just work on trying to uncover why it is a secret.' _That wasn't exactly making me feel more comfortable…_ 'But I'm not. I thought that it was clear by now that I'm not going anywhere. This is the longest I've ever been with someone and enjoyed it. I'm staying right here.'

'… …'

'I'm sorry if I've made you even more uncomfortable by saying-'

'There's still a light on, isn't there?' He didn't say anything after I interrupted him. I stopped the slight tremble, and pulled away from his chest. Lifting his hands to cup my face, he gently turned me to look at him. Although his words _had_ made me beyond uneasy, he had a point. As such there was no real reason anymore to merely hide the color – which was only a novelty – and I just wanted to get rid of this stress.

I took a deep breath, opening my eyes to slits first, adjusting to the light. Somewhere, some words were stuck in the back of my throat, but I let them be, and opened my eyes at him completely.

I didn't really know what to expect from him when I did. But not that the first thing he did was making me close one of my eyes again so he could softly kiss it. He lingered close to me,

'Do you want to hear the cliché's? Or do you want me to tell you that I'm moved that you did this for me when you've never done it before?'

'No, please, tell me some cliché's, I need to laugh.'

'Well, that's not exactly what I'm aiming for.' He created a small distance again, and looked at me for a while, unblinkingly. 'But it's a beautiful color. They seem more alive than any other pair of eyes I've ever seen.' He massaged my skin a little with his thumbs, 'I could list off a thousand things that I find special about them just looking at them. Like that your pupils aren't completely round, and that it fascinates me, that their color seems to become more intense the longer I'm talking… … and please don't thank me for saying this, it would feel strange if you would.' I laughed a little when he said that, because I'd been on the brink of doing just that. It's been such a cause of stress my whole life, and he responds so calmly about it all. 'Ah, at least I've succeeded in making you laugh.'

'You idiot.'

'I told you I don't need thanks, calling me names is taking it a bit too far, don't you think.' I laughed a bit harder.

'This whole goddamn day is unbelievable, and you're still sitting naked on top of me.' I remarked, blushing a little.

'Well, I really didn't think my timing through a whole lot when asking you to do this.'

'You really didn't.' _Liar._ 'But let's just continue where we left off, please.' _If only as a distraction to this event,_

'Since you asked so kindly, I'm not questioning it.' He let go of my head, and pushed me back down on the matrass, laying himself a little better on top of me. I was still letting a whole lot of tension go… but… at least it's gonna go away now, and not in the least favorable way either.

He broke away a second to whisper in my ear though,

'If you'd like to, I can ride on top of you tonight?' He broke all of the tension with that single sentence,

' _Goddamnit!_ Don't ask embarrassing stuff like that, just do it.' He laughed when I accidentally said that out loud, and didn't give me time to change my mind. _Dear god, this damn guy…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chrollo dragging Kurapika along into his depravity in a very unusual way.  
> Also fulfilling my fantasy of Kurapika being ridden instead of the other way around \o/
> 
> But yeah, no, taking advantage of Kurapika's good mood like that to drag information out of him that he shouldn't give...  
> Manipulative people have way too good an eye for timing xD


	13. Chapter 13

Two members of my family have been acting really weird lately. It's no surprise though, with everything that's been happening this year, there's most probably a traitor somewhere, and it's making us all very cautious. Also because of that, I've been forced to take over someone else's job again, and medical training is being pushed to the back.

I'd opened the door to him crying his eyes out, begging for me to take the job. I wasn't able to understand everything he was trying to say, but I'd much rather have just stayed with him for some comfort. Call me selfish, but I don't think I can deal with another suicide…

All the pressure was getting to me too. My schedule is already pretty tightly packed, so taking on extra duties wasn't going so well. I've become more absent, I noticed, it's harder to keep my grades up, it's not even fun anymore to train in the medical profession – it's all just extra work I do that robs me of the time I need for myself, even with less hours.

Chrollo has already uttered his concerns about it, but there's little to be done about it. Considering everything, he just said he'll search around for information on possible traitors while in between jobs. You know, it's at times when he says stuff like that, that I realize what he actually does for a living, and I become uncomfortable with it. I love the human life, but he doesn't seem to have any problem taking it.

I closed my eyes again pushing all that away. He explained it to me himself; he doesn't show anything because he was taught not to, but he does feel it. He doesn't take life indiscriminately either, it's just when he's on the job. Merely hearing that, I'd call him autistic, but he's way too open and charismatic to be that way.

That charisma would lead me to believe he's sociopathic, but if he's really feeling all of it… that's just a guess, isn't it; I can do nothing to confirm if he feels something or not. Sociopaths are very good at imitating emotions and manipulation… but then why would he pretend not to be able to show anything, when he knows it would raise suspicions?

I slowly shook my head. All this stress has me doubting everything. If I can't even trust the ones I love anymore, then what kind of life do I live?

I turned the corner back to my house at three in the morning. The one I'd been stalking had been sleeping for four hours by then, so calling it a night was the best I could do. I'd placed some hard to notice surveillance to keep watch, and I'd check it again before school. Right now, my eyes were unable to stay open, and I walked around to the back door, disabling security there to be able to enter.

It was because I was already so sleepy, that I got a jump scare when Chrollo showed himself. I clutched my chest, looking up at him,

'Jesus Christ, don't do that to me!' He bowed his head in apology. 'You know that there's surveillance here, right? My family is able to see you on footage here.'

'No they won't, I've been able to temporarily reroute them, they're not seeing any of this.' _Well that's both good and bad…_ 'I'd like to offer you an upgrade, but that would only raise suspicions with your family.'

'Pretty much, why are you here?'

'I thought I should warn you while in the neighborhood. The one asking you to take over these duties, Ghari, has been visited by the one you're tracking. He's still alive, but it didn't look good either.' My face paled instantly when I heard those words, and all sleep disappeared from my mind; I disappeared out the gate again, with Chrollo following close behind. _You are_ not _going to end your life! You are_ not _going to do this to yourself or your family!_

* * *

When I finally reached the premises of his home fifteen minutes later, I didn't hesitate to climb up to his window, but stopped before knocking on it. _We all have security on the windows, how am I supposed to…_ No! His life is in danger, I don't care if I'll wake everyone!

I got stopped by Chrollo before my fist connected to the window though, grabbing my wrist. After having done that, he continued on working to get the alarm disabled for this window; whispering to me that the rest of the house would still be safe. All the while he was doing this, I looked at him in admiration, but mostly in contemplation. Because if Assassins were able to breach our securities, then we were not safe by a long shot. Questions that remained were if Chrollo was merely an exceptional Assassin, and if that wasn't the case, how could I inform my family that we needed to upgrade our security?

So I whispered back with the request to teach me in surveillance, so I could pass it on.

'You don't have the time for that, do you? You're barely awake as is during the day.' Was his answer,

'If my family's not safe, I won't sleep any better if I do nothing.'

'I can understand that I can't teach anyone else, but won't they wonder where you learn all this?' Without even looking away from his work he answered all of my questions. _What kind of childhood did you have..?_ I shook my head out of that train of thought to answer,

'Not really, I self-study a lot whenever I have the time.' He smiled back at me for those words. I don't know if it was admiration or fondness, but it helped in calming me down a little.

The moment he gave me an all-clear signal, I didn't hesitate to give a short knock, and force the window open, making a small jump over his bed, and immediately locating him with my eyes already used to the dark. He sat up on the bed with his eyes wide open, and a gun pointed at my head. I raised my hands, a little confused at first, wondering if he really was suicidal,

'It's me, I'm sorry, I saw my target had visited here, but I couldn't visit before he'd quieted down. Are you alright?' The gun lowered again but didn't leave his hands, questions coming before the tears,

'How did you get inside without setting off the alarm?' _Now that he mentioned..!_

'I've been self-studying in surveillance, why did you let the target in?' It was a calculated guess, but that man wasn't someone able to pull the feats Chrollo did, so the only way for him to come in, was through that means. As soon as I saw him starting to have trouble keeping up appearances, I stepped up to him, and took the gun from his hand, laying it aside and folding my arms around him tightly. _You're only 14, you shouldn't be given these responsibilities, none of us should._

'Should I sleep here, for a while?' _What am I thinking, I'm only verging on 17 myself, I'm going to pull extra weight concerning surveillance, I don't have any time left as is…_

'I… I'm not going to ask that of you. You're already doing so much…'

'It's a curse in this family to just do anything on our own, so please never hesitate to ask for help.' I felt some tears fall on my shirt,

'You have it easy, you have Chrollo.' _Thank you for telling everyone, mom._

'What Chrollo is for me, is someone I can trust and be myself with, it doesn't have to be anyone outside the family, you know that. Just talk with your parents, talk with your brothers, and if it doesn't work out, I'm always available. If I'm with Chrollo, I'll just come pick you up, if I'm with my family, you can just come by, if I'm on a job or training, just follow me.' He cried out a little harder, and I muffled those screams against my shoulder. Considering his current state, it's probably not hard for that target to make his life miserable. _You're just as desperate for contact as the rest of us are, aren't you?_

The recognizability of this entire situation was burning inside of me. He's able to let it out, but I'd never been able to. What would've become of me if I hadn't? Would I have become unable to show anything just like Chrollo? I knew when to feel happy, I knew when to feel sad, but most of all it felt like it'd been behind a thick filter of doing what I was supposed to. I always loved being with Pairo, I loved learning medical skills, but I never really noticed there'd been a wall between those emotions and me. I'm feeling everything so much clearer now. I'm glad something happened in my life that made that possible.

About an hour I'd stayed with him, talked whenever he was able to, and he'd calmed down considerably. Come the morning, his life will still be the same, but he'll have someone to go to, and that seemed to mean the world to him. I'd calmed down myself as well, and it felt good that just my presence already meant so much to him.

Stepping outside again, he closed the window on his own, and Chrollo had patiently waited to activate surveillance again. When he'd done so, I grabbed his face with both hands, and almost made him loose balance when I kissed him. Giving me a questioning look, I answered,

'Don't ever think I'm not grateful for being able to trust you, and I've never loved you more than right now, you helped save the life of someone very dear to me.' I kissed him again after having given him the answer, making it last just a second longer before turning around back to my house. Chrollo turned to go his own way when needed though, and I crawled wearily back into bed on my own. I have about two hours of sleep left, but the visit just now had been the best spent hours all week. _I hope he'll make it, I hope we really did save his life tonight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And back to his family again. He's having a tough time, isn't he. A lot is happening in his life, not just Chrollo.  
> But ohmygosh Kurapika actually showing that he doubts everything now and again and is not a complete sap.  
> Although Chrollo's timing is impeccable once again to eliminate those doubts.  
> Damnit.


	14. Chapter 14

Ultimately, we didn't.

A week later, looking better than before, Ghari took on another target again, and he had been spotted and killed. Immediately I'd gone after that target myself and taken care of him in a way that he'd deserved, with only Chrollo able to stop me in the end. I was beyond myself with grief and I simply did not know how to handle it…

During the ceremony, mom had been latched onto my arm. I'd protested this, but in the end I'd been glad she had been; I felt like I could lose it at any time. _That's five deaths in little over half a year, how am I supposed to feel safe and secure after all this? Is all we do for protection still not enough?_

Not a single moment during the lowering, had she let go of me; others seemed more aware of how to deal with my suffering than I was… She'd laid her arm around my waist and her head against my shoulder, I really had needed to feel what I'd promised this boy just a week before.

In the days between his death and this funeral, I'd talked with my parents a lot. Having nearly dismembered someone in a fit of rage, of course they were worried about me. Somewhere I could understand why, but another part of me couldn't understand how they were still so calm with any of this. I could see their grief, but no-one was doing anything, and I couldn't wrap my head around it. Were they conducting some kind of investigation I wasn't allowed to know of? That's the only thing that makes sense, but I'm not appreciating the secrecy. They can trust me, they should know.

Either way, I wasn't allowed to track anyone anymore for at least a month. I could understand that, and made peace with it by devoting this extra time to upgrading my skills on surveillance with Chrollo – but it still made me uneasy. So I spent a couple of days at Chrollo's to cool down – to try and make sense of everything.

I looked down at my ringing phone for a second when I saw it was mom calling again after two days of silence, and took a small breath of courage before answering it,

'Hey,' I leaned my elbows on the table and rubbed my eyes – no matter where, I was not sleeping well. Because no matter where, everything had still happened…

_'Kura, how's it going?'_

'You mean, will I be coming home tonight?' I heard Chrollo standing up, starting to clear the table of surveillance schematics. He really is a good teacher, and it's been a good distraction 'till now…

_'No matter if there's one person behind this or not, I feel insecure with you not by our side. I rather have you close.' I rather be there with you as well, but you're not telling me something, and it's making the restlessness unbearable…_

'Then please take my concerns seriously. I'm scared about everything right now, and you all sound like I'm the only one who-'

 _'We_ are _doing something about it, Kura.'_ I opened my eyes again and lay my hand back on the table.

'Why didn't you tell me before? I've been worried sick about all of us…' My voice started shaking a little, but I didn't raise it,

_'Kura, for a second please look at what you've done. You mutilated someone after surrender, you're not like that, and of anyone I hadn't expected that to happen with you. That scared me so much, you have to understand. I don't want to involve you in something like this, where I might put you in a similar situation.'_

'You're afraid it might turn violent?' I asked calmly, but the shaking had merely relocated to inside. _Thank god you're not ignoring the possibility…_

 _'I'm afraid we're putting too much pressure on you. So I just want to ask you to have faith in us, that we'll take care of it. We're all in this together, we're aware of it.'_ With their superior years of experience, they should be able, but since knowing the world of an Assassin personally, I'm not sure about anything anymore. I don't want to put you in the kinds of dangers Chrollo tells me about either. _'Please come home tonight, we really miss you, even though Lianna's in denial about it.'_ I snorted when I heard the unsubtle protest in the background. _'Even with all we're doing, we still have the time for you, we'll just go out to the movies or dinner, or something else you'd like to do. Come on, don't make me beg for my own son to come home, you know I have the best of interest always in mind for you.'_ I got quiet for a couple of seconds when I heard that, and I willed back some tears pricking behind my eyes. I'm an idiot, aren't I. I shouldn't be solving my problems here…

'I'm sorry, I just don't understand anything anymore.' _And that's a very scary thing for me._ When I raked a hand through my hair, I noticed Chrollo approaching again, and lay his arms around my shoulders. 'I don't know where all that violence came from, and I don't want to become like that.' This was the first open hearted conversation we'd had since the funeral, and it was starting to feel a little emotional.

 _'I don't know if you noticed, but you're_ incredibly _kindhearted, Kura,'_

'I somewhat noticed…' I huffed,

 _'…that also means that stuff like this hits twice as hard. Believe me, I know. Let's just make the most of it with the four of us for now. Because if you're hurting so much that you maimed someone, all I want to do is hold you.'_ Some tears did prick through in the end, and I blinked a couple of times before being able to answer, Chrollo leaning his head down on the top of mine. I finally took the decision,

'Don't worry, I'll be back to pester Lianna again tomorrow.' I've changed these last couple of months, I never would've walked away from it, would I. Nor would I have gone so far with violence… 'I just want all of these deaths to stop, mom. I don't think I can take another funeral.' I brought out in a softer voice, closing my eyes,

_'Let's work on that together, and not separately.'_

'Thank you.' I swallowed back the lump in my throat. _I really wish this wasn't a phone call._ 'I'll come back tomorrow after classes.'

 _'I'll keep my end of the promise, just tell me what you'd like to do, alright? Meanwhile, you're still not getting anywhere near a track, just so you know.'_ I laughed a little when her tone lightened up a bit. _'If we want someone mauled, we'll send dogs after them.'_

'Gee, thanks for thinking so highly of me.'

_'Always a pleasure. But I'll see you tomorrow then.'_

'See you tomorrow, tell Lianna not to worry, that her favorite brother will be coming back soon.'

_'Hahaha, don't worry I will. Love you.'_

'Love you.' When she hung up afterwards, Chrollo's arms slid away from me when I let myself fall to the table.

'Shouldn't you go back tonight already? I can still drive you.' I can't, not yet. Even though they're admitting they're doing something about it, going back means stepping back into the place that hurts the most right now, and I need time to emotionally prepare for that. I can't suddenly survive that scary feeling on top of the guilt of not having been able to show Ghari the world I'd promised. _He was only 14… Why the young ones? Are we just easier to manipulate? Are the weak ones picked off first? I want the ones responsible to know the suffering they're putting us through…_

'I just need to prepare myself a little, I'll return to them tomorrow.' I turned my head to the side when he walked away again, putting the schematics in a secure location. He's building up my knowledge in a very orderly fashion, and this is even an on the spot lesson plan he's made up. It really is a shame he grew up to be an Assassin; he'd have had a good future ahead of him in either psychology or teaching.

'I don't object to having you here in the slightest, but…'

'Yeah I know.' I stood up from the table when he was done cleaning everything up, and stretched a second,

'It's not that I don't appreciate falling asleep and waking up with you every day, but this is really not where you want to be.' _Yet._ I felt like he wanted to say that, but he didn't. From behind, he lay a hand against my head, and kissed me on the other side. I felt a little sadness and anger rising when this whole situation flooded back into me now that the call was over…

'Five…'

'Hm?' I turned my gaze up into nothingness,

'It's now reached the number where their names aren't even mentioned anymore, they've just become that number, I heard that number all through the week and the funeral.' He let his hand slide down to my shoulder. 'I just want them to tell me they've got everything under control, because even one is too much.'

'You really believe there's something connecting these deaths, don't you.'

'It's too much!' I turned around to him, Chrollo taking a little distance, and I raised my hand to list off everyone, 'Death by patient, murders, suicide, and now murder while tracking, it's all different, but it could be connected, couldn't it?' I raised my voice some more, Chrollo letting it wash over him as I went. _There's too much stress, and too few people actually listening to my words. Please,_ 'Each and every one of them could be through some kind of manipulation. What if that patient and those two tracking targets had been manipulated or forced into doing these things, and Pairo's sister had been driven to suicide?! I mean, Ghari had been close to suicide, but then he doesn't show signs anymore, and suddenly he's killed? It could be coincidence, but it sounds more like someone noticed he wasn't going to kill himself anymore, and took matters into his own hands… …Well? What does your expert experience say about this?!' In the end I snapped at him, and saw his mood darken a little. I immediately regretted blaming him for something other people in the same profession did, and wanted to apologize, but he raised his hand and stopped me, I let out a small breath,

'I know you're under a lot of stress and pain, but I don't appreciate remarks like that - even if it's spurs of the moment. Sometimes I need you to realize that even though I don't show it, I still feel. And seeing you like this hurts me too.' I looked away slightly. I'd understood why I'd said all of that, but it had still been rude to someone who's been supporting unconditionally. 'Concerning your theory, I think what you're describing could be true, and it would mean that you're dealing with either a Death's Deliverer or an Assassin hired by one. Considering your family, I'd say you'd be a target if one should know about your secret. Especially for Mental Breakers with an extra interest in the mind and anatomy of people. But I find it hard to believe one would know, considering the measures you take to keep the secret.' First, the only thing that went through me, was a jolt of shock when he confirmed that I could be right, and someone was manipulating all of this from the shadows. If that really is the case, then we need to eliminate all the threats, don't we? That's too much work… That's too high a level of enemy…

My hope dropped a little,

Second, I asked the question,

'What are Death's Deliverers and Mental Breakers?' He pocketed his hands when starting the explanation,

'Mental Breakers are a small group of people that hire Assassins such as me to deliver live victims to them, after which they experiment on them to find out the weaknesses of the human body – through torture, cutting them open, and some like to pick around in the brain.' I started to feel sick as I heard him explaining; _these inhuman people actually exist?_ 'Gathering results, they look for potential buyers of this information, so they can be more effective in their jobs.' _Of course people like that would be interested in the eyes of my family, understanding those, would give them a gigantic advantage on others…_

'We _are_ being hunted for our eyes, aren't we…' I whispered, trying not to protrude my skin with my nails pressing against the flesh in my balled up fists. I started to shake a little in disbelief,

'Considering the timespan, it wouldn't be unlikely. I'm sorry to say that there's the chance not everyone's in their grave anymore, or cremated ones had their eyes removed before burning. Because they were dead before delivered to them, means the current experiment is on the effects of emotion on your eyes. However, they probably won't be able to restrain themselves in taking the eyes in the end after all. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to detect this kind of activity if it's indeed happening, but I will look for information more actively.'

'Thank you.' I uttered softly, letting Chrollo lay his hand back on my shoulder, kissing me on the forehead to stop the shaking before rage would take over again. With a bit of trouble I was able to unclench my fists, and let my hands find their way to his waist. I took a couple of deep breaths, closing my eyes, before I'd run out and do something stupid... again. I am _not_ becoming that monster again. _But why does this happen? Why are we being used in something like this? We only want to help people that can't pay their insane medical bills… we don't deserve this…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *wraps herself around her precious Kurapika*


	15. Chapter 15

'Wake up…' Finally in a reversed situation, I nudged Chrollo awake. He'd fallen asleep on top of the schematics on the kitchen table. He didn't immediately shoot up, he started grunting rather displeased, and I couldn't hold back a small laugh when he did. 'It's not often that you can come over here, don't waste the precious time.' By now, I was allowed to take on a tracking target again, but in the time between now and then, Chrollo hadn't been able to locate the possible Mental Breaker. Apparently it's one of the most elusive groups of people that exist, barely even aware of each other's existence.

I have a lot of concerns at the moment, but that little fact concerns me the most – that when they don't want to be found, not even Chrollo can find them. The stress got to me enough that I started doubting if he was even searching, and I'd given myself a hard time over it. The situation's not going to get better if I add even more doubts to the equation.

It's dragging on too long though… I can feel it getting to me. Even though tonight it'd been Chrollo to fall asleep while working, I was at a point where I barely even slept anymore.

If just for my own sanity, the puppeteer needs to found fast. I want to help more than just upgrade security…

My parents are out working for that right now though, and Lianna was staying over at someone else's place - which I sincerely wish she wouldn't for security reasons - so for a change I'd invited Chrollo to study here. It's not that he hasn't been allowed to stay the night here in the meantime, but we do miss a level of openness when everyone's home.

'I didn't know Chrollo Lucilfer, world class assassin, could get so tired.' I reacted amused when he lifted his head again, plucking a piece of paper from his face that had stuck to it, giving me a tired smile. 'Don't force yourself to smile just for me.' I stroke my fingers lightly across his cheek, Chrollo leaning into it a bit. Taking on these security lessons is hard, but doing it with the support of this man makes it a little easier.

'Yes, I am still a human being. I haven't slept in three, maybe four days, I think I may have hit my limit.' My expression changed from loving to one of concern, even though I was in a worse state than he was,

'We could have just pushed studying back a day if you needed the rest so much.' I retreated my hand when I noticed it was still lingering. I feel like a hypocrite, forcing someone else to sleep. But I think I've given up on getting there myself. _How much do you even notice of this with me?_

'My limit differs greatly under the circumstances, I've miscalculated my level of fatigue.' He stretched his arms out above his head, and leaned back over the chair. I sighed deeply, and started folding up the schematics in front of him when he did – no use in continuing with both of us in this state. Because of his lessons though, I've been able to upgrade the security on all our houses greatly. I'll make sure this elusive enemy won't get in that easily anymore. When it's a manipulator though, they might as well talk themselves in, and I hope that won't happen… again. _Please just let me help you catch him._

'Why're you cleaning up already, we just started.' He watched me taking care of the papers, his eyelids still sagging,

'Take a look at yourself, you're in no state to teach me anything anymore.' I half laughed looking at that tired face smiling up at me.

'You're putting me to bed then?'

'Not in the way you're currently thinking about.'

'That's too bad.' He pulled me close by my hips and lay his head against my stomach, not letting me go anytime soon. He was comfortably warm though, so for a moment I allowed this, laying my hand on top of his head and gliding my fingers through his hair. Unfortunately, not even this warmth gave me the rest I needed anymore at this point…

And before he'd fall asleep, he really needed to be moved.

'No Chrollo, I am not pregnant, and I don't feel like carrying you upstairs, so you're standing up now.'

'Well, we can just try again if you're still not pregnant.' I laughed at the muffled reply. _You're even more ridiculous when you're sleepy._

'You barely have the strength to stand up, let alone to keep it up.'

'Is that a challenge?' He softly kissed my stomach,

'That's not a challenge you idiot, get some goddamn rest, and we'll leave the trying to get pregnant for another time.'

'No we're not.' I took a step back when he inclined to stand back up. His eyes opened a little more when he stretched again.

'Don't be ridiculous, I choose quality over quantity.' I turned back around, but Chrollo was not letting this go.

Quite literally and annoyingly so.

I protested all the way up the stairs,

'You goddamn let me down right now! I'm not a goddamn maiden!' He'd scooped me up and thrown me over his shoulder, and my pride as a man was not having any of this. 'I swear to god I'm going to end you!'

'Will you accept me giving away control as an apology?' He lay me down on the bed once we'd reached my room and wanted to crawl over me, but I pushed him back by the chest, sitting up on the edge, There were a few short seconds of silence in which I looked at him intently, making sure the message would come across. My sleepless mind could not take anything unexpected or out of the ordinary right now,

'You are never carrying me like that again unless my legs are missing.' His lips upturned,

'You used to have less trouble with this, but alright, I'll refrain from doing so in the future.' _You better._ 'Do you really want to kill me right now though, because your words are saying so, but your eyes are not.'

'Of course I don't want to kill you, you idiot.' I reacted insulted,

'Well, then allow me to draw you further into my world.' I closed my eyes and took a deep breath when he leaned in and brushed his lips against mine. 'Thank you for giving me so much of yourself.' He whispered close to me.

'Please just stop talking before I change my mind.'

'Understood.' I felt his smile against my lips again a second later, and let myself be laid down on the bed. _Fine, some relaxation can't hurt._ Maybe this time it'll actually help…

* * *

'You haven't slept all night, have you?' He woke up on the bed on his own, and stretched out some more. In the end not even those activities had been able to calm me down enough to get a restful sleep… I turned around on my desk chair, leaning my arms on the back, and rolling a little closer to the bed.

'You slept like a baby though.' He sat up to give a good morning's kiss.

'Little else left to do after you rode me so hard, right?' I blushed thinking back on it. After all my protests, I may had gone a little overboard. I blame the lack of boundaries that happens when you're sleep deprived.

'I'm sorry, but I really couldn't sleep.' My mood dropped completely. All night I'd just wanted to curl up in his arms, but I didn't want to disturb his well-earned sleep. 'So I just decided to pick up where we left off last night.' I nudged back at my desk where schematics lay sprawled out. In the middle of the night, at around two in the morning, my parents had gotten home, and seen the situation. They were even more worried about this sleep deprivation than I was. Last time I had this, I fell asleep in class because I forced myself to stay awake. Now I was just unable to sleep most of the time. Things are not going well,

They'd deliberated something at that point, but hadn't given me any conclusions… of course that hadn't exactly helped my sleeplessness. _If even Chrollo is unable to find someone, then you're not having any luck either._ It's unsettling.

'You look even more exhausted than I was last night.' He let his feet find their way to the ground, and turned me around in the chair, pulling me off it, back on his lap.

'I beg to differ, your eyes barely stayed open long enough to finish.' He held his arms around me tightly, and kissed my back.

'You know what I mean. If you're at the point where you're so tired you can't sleep anymore, you're more exhausted than I was last night. I'm cancelling the surveillance lessons. It's been irresponsible of me to continue for so long either way.' I jolted a little when he said that.

'After all the progress I've already made, you're stopping it now?'

'I am. I rather have you in a state where I still recognize you. You'll thank me for this.'

'Not goddamn likely! I'm still so-'

'You're far enough, believe me. Regular assassins won't be able to get past what you now know so easily.'

'Doesn't matter that you say that, I will not be satisfied until we're completely safe.' I really wanted to continue these lessons…

'That is an impossible feat, even for me. Of course you're scared if you don't know what you're up against, even more so when you know what he's probably capable of.' _Not helping,_ 'What you need to remember and get through to yourself, is that your family's survived up until now. You're not the only one protecting it.' He let out a deep breath, 'Although impressive, I'd rather not see the brutal side of you again; it's been eating you up inside, what you did, hasn't it?' I sighed deeply and wanted to stand up and walk away from the conversation before it would become a weight I wouldn't be able to lift. But when I wanted to, he pulled me back. _I really don't want to hear any of this, please let me go…_ 'You're on the verge of destroying yourself by taking on everything yourself, you need to see that.'

'What else could any of this do _but_ eat me up? Unfortunately, it is what it is, even though I didn't sign up for any of this. We're peaceful, pacifistic, I hate violence with a passion, but still I'm forced into it because there's people out there that want to harm us, because they want these superior eyes that I didn't ask for either.' I let my hands glide over the ones wrapped around me, when these words started to surface, I felt some emotion behind it that I quickly needed to repress. _I really, really need to step away. I know he'll come up with points that make sense, and it will bring all the pressure to the surface…_ Even though in the long run it's the better way, right now I need to focus on finding the perpetrator. _Please, not right now, let's do this once it's all over…_

'You're a very sensitive person, and I'd rather have spared you a life like this. But in the first place, be glad that because of all this, that as a family you're incredibly close.' _That doesn't make the past half year hurt any less._ 'The frustration doesn't lie with your heritage. It's just because all the stress that's been building up these last couple of weeks, months, has surfaced even your deepest discontentment. You're angry at your own powerlessness over it, aren't you.' I started to hang my head and closed my eyes the longer he went on. _Keep it in…_ '…Which hit even harder after losing Ghari, when you'd just given him reason to live again. Powerlessness is an emotional trap. If you don't accept what you can and cannot do, then you're just going to keep spiraling down.' _I know all of this, I don't need it repeated out loud… I don't want to acknowledge any of this right now…_ I felt my hands slowly starting to grip tighter around his, as I didn't stop him, and still tried to push it away, 'If you can't accept that you can't do everything on your own, you start to lose trust in the abilities and support of your family. Don't do that to yourself.' He kissed my back again.

'Easier said than done.' I brought out with a smaller voice than expected, opening my eyes to the floor, my thoughts far, far away from this room. The stir inside of me that he was awakening wasn't stopping…

'It always is. Frustratingly enough, all I can do, is say to you that no matter how small the problem is, please speak up about it. Either to your parents or to me. All of us will always be willing to listen. Fatigue like last night is not uncommon in my profession, I'm used to it. It just means that I just made a lot of money.' That still doesn't sit well with me, no matter how many times the subject surfaces… 'It's alright to feel all of this. It's alright that it actually felt good maiming the one who killed Ghari, it's alright to feel resentment towards your parents for excluding you, feeling frustration that you feel farther away from everyone… anything. Just don't let it eat you up inside.' _How does that even go with you? Is something eating_ you _up inside? What kind of turmoils do you even get?_

Those thoughts came and went, when I answered.

'I think I already am, thanks to you.' As soon as I spoke up, I started trembling a little. Chrollo squeezed a bit tighter around me. 'You're actually right. It'd felt so good to maim that guy, I feel like a horrible human being. What I became then… I didn't even recognize myself.' I managed to squeeze that out in an even voice, I don't know how. 'And I'm mad at Lianna that she's not taking all this extra security seriously and that she's running around without second thought of what it would do to either of us if she got herself killed like that. I'm mad at not being able to just do all of this. I'm frustrated that even the things I liked to do, I don't even enjoy anymore… But saying any of that out loud is not going to help me, it only makes it goddamn harder to deal with it.' There's a reason I kept quiet about it. 'And I'm goddamn pissed that I can't even say any of this without shaking like the weak, "sensitive" person I am!' I restrained myself for another second, 'None of this is goddamn fair, and I can't do anything about it!'

'No, it's not fair.' The calmness in his voice irritated me as well when I tried to regain some composure, but I swallowed every sentence that I wanted to say, because it was anger aimed at myself, he didn't deserve that….

In the height of all this frustration, I felt my nails pierce Chrollo's skin, and I retreated them immediately. He grabbed hold of my hands right after though, and pulled us up on the bed some more, setting his legs next to mine. _The trembling isn't stopping, I need it to stop so I can continue doing what I have to do._

'Why are we being hunted, why can't they just leave us be…' I could not believe those words exited my lips. _I didn't ask for this conversation, I just wanted to learn more about those schematics, I wanted to spend some time in bed with Chrollo, I wanted to upgrade the security systems… but I didn't want any of this. I need to keep going, I have to._ I shook my head when the thought weighed too heavy in that moment,

'Perhaps facing reality doesn't change the situation, but accepting it does. Unfortunately, you're different, and simply sharing your secret will only ignite an ugly hunt for your lives. So you choose to keep it a secret in order to live. You choose to live, so you choose to fight. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?' _Then why does it feel like it is?_ 'That your body made you enjoy the experience of killing someone, is just one more way for your mind to survive. Don't feel bad about it, be happy that you want to live.' _None of that will make me forget what I did that night…_ '…Even if that weren't the reason, both me and your family will still accept you. You'll always have someone to fall back on. And these someones want you to live too.'

'… …'

'I'm sorry if it all sounds a little impersonal. I've seen it with others a lot.'

'… …no, it's alright.'

'Then tell me if there's something I can do.' He lay his head next to mine and kissed my neck, but I felt a little petrified of hearing all of these realizations out loud. So all I could do was deny my feelings,

'…I'm sorry I'm laying all of this on you.' He pulled away from his position and sat over my legs in front of me when he noticed what I was doing. He grabbed my face with both hands, forcing me to look back at him. With his thumb, he caressed my cheeks. I hadn't started crying, but that was only because I was still willing it back.

'We should've stopped sooner. But don't ever think that you're a burden on me.'

'All I've done is lay extra work on you, you're not getting anything out of this.'

'I don't see it as work, what makes you think that? You need it, I can take it, so I just do it. Because I love you.' He closed in some more and kissed me on the lid, lingering there, 'I'm more ashamed that I haven't been able to catch whoever's doing this to you and your family. I should be a top class Assassin.' He kissed me again before looking me back in the eyes. 'I can't even fathom how much this must hurt for you. But even though bad things are happening now, we create the circumstances for our own happenings, and that means we create the circumstances for good things to happen as well. This relationship, we both made it happen. And because of that I can be here to catch you right now. Good things happen in your life, Kurapika, they really do.' I laughed a little when I heard him say all of that.

'You're calling yourself the greatest thing that ever happened to me, are you?'

'Well, you are to me.' The sound of those words hit me full force. _And you actually mean that, don't you..?_ When I hung my head this time, Chrollo let me. He shuffled a little closer, and lay his arms around me. My hands lay fisted on his legs as he convinced me that it was alright to let it all out at this point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I still need to tell you that I'm the one that's depraved? I think that's clear by now, isn't it xD
> 
> Chrollo Lucilfer and psychology 101 on how to ensnare the vulnerable. That's what I'm calling this chapter.  
> Kurapika completely distressed, unable to share this stress with his parents for a change, and he says the right words to let Kurapika fall deeper into his arms.


	16. Chapter 16

The rest of the day, even though it had been a school day, we'd planned to both stay at home. Chrollo had called in sick, and my parents had called in sick for me after a short talk. When Chrollo was down for a small while to get some food for the both of us, mom had come up to talk with me. I'd sat down on the side of the bed, her plopping down next to me. Shuffling close to me, she tugged my hair back behind my ear, giving me a sympathetic look. I gave a sad smile seeing her like that, and I let my head fall against her shoulder. _I felt weak, I felt really, really weak. I don't want to put this burden on any of you._

'You've found quite a boyfriend, didn't you Kura.'

'He's alright.' She laughed a little, making me feel a little better.

'We'll talk some more tonight about our findings, alright?'

'Sounds like a plan.' She softly rubbed her hand over my back,

'…It's been a while since stress has run this high with you, hasn't it. So no matter your protests, we're re-assigning some of your tasks. I'm not hearing any complaints!' She spoke up some more. Of course I wanted to protest… but I refrained. Getting some rest started to feel real good by now. I need to focus on the more important matters.

'Do you want to stay here too?' She let go when Chrollo came walking back into the room, carrying a tray with delicious looking food.

'That sounds real nice, but I have to get to work. Take good care of him.' She kissed me on the head before walking out the room, exchanging a polite nod with said perfect boyfriend, and closing the door behind her.

'Just so you know, I feel really childish for having to be taken care of like this.'

'If it makes you feel better, why should you feel anything but glad about it?' _You're really too much._ 'Hahaha I know that look, it's the look of "are you for real?", isn't it. You gave me that all the time before we started dating, haven't seen it a lot lately.' I snorted when he mentioned it actually was a specific expression of mine. _Well, you deserve that though,_ 'But yes, I am for real. If you enjoy something, why should you feel bad about it?'

'I wish society would accept something like that' He set the tray with food beside me on the nightstand, and took the robes off his body again, entering the bed with just a pajama pants. Even though I was still sitting on the edge, he lay down behind me, laying an arm around my waist. 'Ah yes, much better with you present.'

'You big puppy.'

'Yes I am.' We didn't get rest for very long though. After just a couple of seconds, I heard Chrollo's phone ringing in the distance. He changed that thing often, the only reason I recognized it was because it wasn't mine. He grunted a little displeased, and I snorted at his reaction.

'Should I get that for you?'

'Just hand it to me.' He didn't even open his eyes when I slipped away and took the thing out of his pants pocket. The ringing persisted a long time, and I threw it at him. Still with his eyes closed, he picked it up,

'What is it?' His voice was very much awake all of a sudden. Quite a trick.

I shuffled back on the bed, and listened to him handling the conversation with minimum words. It wasn't until he finished the conversation that he sat up and opened his eyes to me. He leaned in for a short kiss, lingering close to me. Before I could ask, he answered for me,

'I have work to do.'

'Which job?'

'Primary. I have a lead on who could be behind the murders in your family.' He didn't even give me time to respond to that, he just kissed me again and slid out of bed, getting dressed as if he'd just said nothing of consequence.

'Excuse you?!' I finally exclaimed after he'd put on normal pants again, and he turned around to me, 'What did you just say?' I stood up from the bed again,

'I have a lead on the perpetrator, I'm going to have to trace the authenticity of the call, and hopefully after that, trace all the way to the killer pulling the strings. Do you want him delivered to your parents anonymously, or do you want to have the first look? Do you want him alive, dead, tortured, maimed, any combination with these options?' He casually slid his arms into his jacket with that usual deadpan face of his. _How am I supposed to react to that?!_ I tried to form a comprehensible response for either of us, but it wasn't quite working. My heart beating in my throat may have been cause for that… _Jesus Christ, don't suddenly spring that on me!_ I got frustrated along the way, and when Chrollo noticed, he continued,

'I'll torture him for information, and will deliver him deeply unconscious - along with evidence that it was him - to this house. Is that alright? I'll place him somewhere your sister won't find him. I think that's what you're trying to say, isn't it?' I sighed exasperated at my inability to respond to something so important.

'Fine. It's probably for the best.' I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to keep myself composed. It wasn't working well though, and with insomnia still strong in my body, I felt myself starting to shake a little again. I took a couple of deep breaths before looking him back in the eyes, 'Record the questioning, please. Ask the questions that I would ask him.' His face dropped when I requested this,

'Are you sure about that? You have enough trouble with my profession already. I don't think that hearing or seeing me at work will improve on that.' He took a step closer to me, looking down at me, and laying his hand on my arm. I felt like I was holding my breath,

'Then at least a short documentation. I need to-'

'I know you're looking for closure, but this will only fuel your rage even more. Don't get lost in that feeling of having to get revenge.' I looked away when I felt his hand lay softly against my face, 'I will record everything, but think about that some more. I should also warn you that this isn't the first time I got a lead. Though chances are higher, there's no guarantee that this one will lead anywhere.'

'It's alright, please just go.' He let his hand glide back down, and kissed me on the lips once again.

'Depending on my network, it can take either a couple of hours, or a couple of days. Don't be scared for my life when you don't hear anything, and don't start tracking me until I've been gone for two weeks. Understood?' I nodded, but really just didn't want to think about the possibility of him being the next casualty – not if I want to continue being useful for the family. He gave a short wave goodbye when leaving and closing the door behind him. I'd watched him go, and my eyes stayed on the same spot on the door for a long time. _I can't sleep like this, damn it. I'll grab a book and try to reset my brain._

I want all of this to just be over already...

The thought of that possibly being close, gave me an euphoric feeling that I was scared to embrace after Chrollo's words. _Just come home in one piece, please._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fear for the poor soul Chrollo's gonna use as scapegoat...


	17. Chapter 17

The talk later that evening hadn't exactly helped my state of mind. Knowing _any_ of their plans and ideas had put me in a bad mood back then.

After all of that beautiful talk that she loved and entrusted me to Chrollo, that her motherly instincts nor the background checks had set off any alarm bells, after telling me that she didn't object in any way that I'm dating a guy that's a teacher at my school and seven years my senior, after telling me that same morning that I was so lucky to have him, she told me that there was doubt about him in the family.

They'd investigated all of our former tracks and targets, up until eight months ago, and none of them showed any inkling of connecting the four deaths. First they'd started doubting if there really was a connection, but then they casually decided to doubt Chrollo. Even though I'd never told them anything about his primary profession and nothing about him suggests that he could be remotely part of the underworld.

The only thing that made them suspect him, is that the timeframe of the deaths, his move here, and his appearance into my life, are indicative of the timing of someone avoiding drawing attention. It's not that I never doubted him myself, but he's proven time and time again that he can be trusted. To me most of all.

So what they got that night, was a lot of backtalk, yelling, and me refusing to listen to these allegations. They'd even wanted to put a track on him… Next to that being preposterous, the track would not be able to find him now, and not ever see any strange activities - Chrollo's too advanced for one of ours. I'd stormed out after a while, not being able to take it anymore, and gotten into the car; but realizing I was en route to his place, I had to redirect to Pairo's home. I'd stayed there for the night. I'd been more than welcome, especially after explaining the circumstances to his parents. I'd wiped away the tears the fight with my parents had caused, and I'd been held close by them. Pairo had actually missed me a little after I got together with Chrollo, and it was stuff like that, that had kept me awake the entire night.

For the first time since we got together, I didn't have the opportunity to go to Chrollo for support. And all this time, I've kind of been ignoring the friends I already had inside of the family. I felt guilty towards them, and it warmed my heart that their affection hadn't decreased. Pairo's always been there for me, I hope he always will be. Because somehow, he's the one who understands my troubles most of all – even without saying a word. And the reverse is true as well. For a couple of weeks I did give him more attention to support him after the suicide of his little sister, but contact had really rescinded, hadn't it.

Unfortunately, I was simultaneously filled with fear over what might be happening with Chrollo. Because I felt like there was nothing to worry about my family when lying on the floor next to Pairo's bed, that worry returned. Anything could be happening to him now, and I don't like that wrenching feeling in my gut. Especially now that there's been so much death surrounding me, I just wanted to keep everyone close. Of anyone I know, Chrollo is the most likely to survive, but over the last couple of months, he's also become one of the few that I would break over completely if he'd die. It's scary how fast that happened.

In the future, there's bound to be more times like this, where I have no idea of knowing if he's still alive or not. Will I get used to that? Or will I be this worried every time he leaves? I can't live a life like that. Perhaps I should become better at stealth and up my medical knowledge; then I could tag along just in case, and make myself useful.

Wait, what am I saying? I'm going to step into the life of an Assassin?!

I shook that thought out of my head the best I could. Well, at least my medical knowledge is going to increase exponentially in the next three months; I've been taken off tracking again, and purely put back on medical training – that seems to be their answer for every time there's discord. Somewhere I really didn't mind, because then I'd be able to prevent deaths too; on the other hand, because of Chrollo my knowledge of tracking and surveillance has surpassed a lot of family members, and I feel itchy not doing anything with it.

_I just want you to return safely, and if possible, take the perpetrator with you – alive or dead._

* * *

It was not until eight days later, that I woke up at four in the morning and shot up in my bed when I heard my phone ringing. In the meantime I'd made a kind of peace with my parents, but their accusations had still felt like a betrayal. Of course Lianna was saying I was overreacting to all of it, but she didn't even know anything about what we'd talked about.

I hope that they'll pull away from Chrollo as soon as they can, because I want the people I love to accept each other.

I picked up my phone as quickly as my sleepy reflexes were letting me, and answered it out of breath,

'Yes?!'

 _'You sound stressed, everything alright?'_ I let myself fall back on my pillow when I heard his voice, and stopped myself from getting too emotional. _'It's been eight days, have you been worrying about me that much?'_

'Shut up.' _Yeah, no, I really need to work on this worrying side of me,_

 _'We can talk more if you take the lock off your door. I forced my way in up 'til here but I-'_ I'd stood up and thrown the phone away, jumping towards the door to take it from its lock, coming face to face with Chrollo again, '-would hate to break into your room.' He finished his sentence before he started smiling. 'I'm sorry, with all the deaths lately, you must've been terrified for me, weren't you.' He took the last step inside the room, and closed the door behind him before I lay my arms around him and pressed myself close, taking a deep breath. His arms found their way around me as well, but he still smelled of death, 'Although it's futile to say, please don't worry. I'm more than one step ahead of almost every Assassin. Chances are minimal that I'd die.' Indeed futile; because logically I understand completely that the fear was ungrounded, but it still exists. He gently rubbed his hand over my back, and nuzzled against the crook of my neck, breathing in, taking in my scent again. 'Ah yes, I think I like the smell of you much more.'

'Did you find him? Did you kill him?' I muttered, lifting my face from his shoulder a little. I didn't feel like talking about everything that had happened in the last week.

'I found the Mental Breaker manipulating behind the scenes, yes. It wasn't very hard from the moment I started torturing. Took an extra day to make sure everyone involved with him would be taken care of as well, so no-one out there knows your secret anymore. Your parents will find him in a couple of hours, together with the evidence that it was him. And I'm hoping you really don't want the recordings of his torture any-' He stopped talking when he noticed I couldn't take it all in at once, and I started shaking a little. _When have I become so attached to him..?_ I thought I was only capable to get to this point with my family. 'I'm sorry, let's just sleep for now. I lost the track I had on my way here, so it's safe.' _Goddamnit, they'd actually done it._

'No offense, but you kind of smell, I'd rather you take a shower first.' _I need some time to calm down about all of this._ I felt a chuckle through his breath and his chest, and it warmed me up inside.

'Well, if you're not worried about your parents waking up either way, let's make it a bath, and you're joining me. Because I didn't come here to be alone.'

'I'll start running the water.' I said this, but it took a while before I detached from him. If I'd noticed him immediately following me to the bathroom, I wouldn't have hunched over the edge of the bath as soon as I'd turned on the water, and started breathing heavier from all the stress that had been building up. I didn't feel like I was going to cry, but my body was begging for it to. If I hadn't been followed, and Chrollo hadn't lifted me to embrace me from behind, I might have stayed like that for a long while. He gripped me tighter than before, laying his head next to mine. Breathing was still hard, even when I raised my hands to lay over his and hold on for dear life.

'It's over now, don't worry anymore, there's not going to be any more murders. Ghari's the last one. Your family's not going anywhere, and neither am I.' _I really, really needed to cry, but somehow I just couldn't…_ I felt the need to coil up into a little ball, and crawl away into a corner – but Chrollo didn't let me. He kept me upright, and held me tight, laying his lips against my neck, and enduring the pressure my hands were exuding on his. 'Are you sure you don't just want to go to bed right now?'

'No, we're going to take this damn bath, I don't feel like washing the sheets in the morning.' I felt his lips curl up into a small smile,

'Glad you're still so stubborn.' He kissed me once again, before temporarily letting go of me, and locked the door before starting to get ready for the bath.

When he was done though, he noticed that I'd neither looked at him, nor had started undressing myself. I was still frozen in place. _Is it really over? Is no-one going to die anymore?_ After all the funerals and grief over this past year, it was hard to believe… it was hard to let go. If I hadn't kept contact with Chrollo back then, how long would this have dragged on? How much family would there have been left? How would my life have been without his help right now? Would I still even be alive myself?

I was pulled out of it when I felt his hands glide up my sides and lifted my shirt. Obediently, I raised my arms and slid out of it, turning around again, and looking straight at him. Without him I never would've known the real danger lurking in the shadows right now, we'd all be dead in a couple of years…

In a sudden rush of need, I grabbed his face and pulled him in for an actual kiss, not letting go of him. _You're never going away again._ He didn't object to any of this, and pressed tight against me, taking a firm hold on my waist. Breathing now became harder for an entirely different reason, my fingers restlessly sliding into his hair.

But I was unable to hold myself back at this point, and I almost pulled him into the bath when it was finally full, and he had to catch himself not to fall too painfully. Although he landed with his knees on either side of me, he quickly decided that the other way around was better, and pulled me back over him, with a look of wanting that I'd never seen before with him. He slid his hands behind the hem of my boxers, and I helped in taking that off the best I could. Heaving above him for a couple of silent seconds, I felt mesmerized by the look in his eyes.

But he didn't let me be for too long, and took us to the next moment.

He's really not going anywhere, I really needed to notice that even just once. The man unable to show real emotion in his body language, had just done so, for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, at least someone is suspecting something now xD  
> Not that any of that is reaching Kurapika; Chrollo knows too well when to do what.


	18. Chapter 18

Chrollo had left before my parents had woken up, as not to raise suspicion. Everything that had happened tonight though, had been so surreal that I'd wondered if it'd truly happened.

I'd been snapped out of that though, when alarm was raised when my parents found the unconscious body of that Mental Breaker. Looking at him in the morning, a couple of things went through me very quickly, and all at once.

My first instinct had been to kill him while there was still the chance, but I was luckily held back by dad. The next feeling that happened, was one of disgust, when I noticed the state in which he'd been delivered. Even though somewhere I could see that Chrollo had held back, torturing had not been minimal… Both his feet had been cut off, his knees and wrists were broken, and there was a suture over his abdomen. _No, I think I'm going to refrain on watching or listening to the torture footage…_ By now I couldn't even believe anymore that I'd requested that…

I'd pushed my sister away when she wanted to check it out as well. She got angry that she wasn't allowed to see why the big alarm was raised, but the third feeling went through me once we were back out in the hallway. _It really is over._

I slumped to my knees, and had laid my arms around her, feeling myself get filled with happiness that this family had stayed intact. She hadn't known how to react to this, and just laid a hand on top of my head. Eventually she'd even muttered a small apology, somewhere noticing how much everything had weighed down on me.

We didn't get long to dwell on any of this though, as the entire family was called together, while the children were sent off. Of course all the information Chrollo had provided needed to be triple-checked, and plans needed to be altered. Although I got offered to join the meeting because they knew how preoccupied I'd been with all of it and was aware of everything, I'd declined. Next to not wanting to be close to the near corpse, I was afraid that if I'd join the discussion, I'd give one kind of hint or the other that Chrollo'd had something to do with this delivery. As soon as that would be known, his profession would also become known, and I don't even want to know about the consequences after.

So I went to school, like the rest, and held my head high the best I could until I was able to actually meet up with Chrollo, instead of merely exchanging glances while passing each other in the hallway. It wasn't until three that we had overlapping free time, and I stepped inside his office, locking the door behind me.

'I don't really care if you have an appointment in ten minutes, but I need to be with someone.'

'I'm free for the rest of the day, you can be here as long as you need.' I raised my arms immediately when he walked towards me, and pressed us together. There was still so much tension in me that I couldn't really do anything, and it was killing me. I blinked a couple of times, taking a couple of deep breaths. 'You don't really know how much you're carrying until you can let it go, do you.'

'Please don't psychologize me now.' He laughed softly at the response,

'I'm sorry.'

'You better be.' _Look at what you've turned me into._

'Kurapika..?'

'What..?' The tension increase in his body and voice made me anxious,

'How long have we known each other?' Before answering, all I could do, was jump to conclusions,

'You're not leaving are you? Did you get a job elsewhere? Did you-' Luckily he stopped me before this would get out of hand.

'Don't say that, don't assume I lied last night.' I muttered an apology against his shoulder. Everything is a potential threat, but I cursed myself for thinking that after having seen that face of his yesterday. I closed my eyes,

'Five, five months.' _A lot has happened in that time._

'I'm sure I'm not the only one who noticed what happened last night.' I shook my head a little. 'Give it a little thought before you answer, but… how about I let myself be exclusively hired by your family so neither of you has to kill ever again?' I jolted when I heard those words, and felt all the doubts of today run through me again. 'Your family won't take kindly to that, will they? Knowing of my profession?' He turned his head to lay his lips against my neck. _Of course they won't, I'll be exiled. It will become a choice between either you or my family._ No matter how much I'd love to take this offer, it's not going to happen… 'Whoa there…' He noticed a little vertigo setting in with me, and had to catch me. He ushered me to sit down on the edge of the desk. _I'm weak, I used to be able to take a lot more before I opened my heart to you..._ I held my head for a while longer until the vertigo disappeared.

'I feel like a kid when I need to be helped like this.'

'I'm not going to stop doing this even when you say that.' He leaned his hands next to me on the desk and closed in to kiss me shortly. 'I don't feel the burden of killing anymore, while you do, so I'd like to have taken that away from you. But even if I come clean now, they still won't trust me, it was an unreasonable request. I recognized the track on me last night.' I felt ashamed that they'd even done something like that, and I hope that will stop now that we have the perpetrator.

'Give it time.' I want to believe that, I want to believe that someday they'll be able to accept him.

He kissed me again, and lingered close. I raised my hand laying it softly on the side of his face,

'I love you so much.' He whispered. And like every time he's ever said it, my heart jumped a little.

'I love you too.'

'Please don't interrupt me this time.' I raised an eyebrow first at those words before I noticed he was serious, 'This is hard for me. I've never come to this point, I've never actually cared about or trusted anyone long enough to get to the point we reached last night.' My hand slid down to his neck, and I finally took note of the look in his eyes. I kept my mouth shut. 'I actually feel like I could spend the rest of my life with you, and I don't know what to do with that, so I just offered what I could just now.' A faint smile appeared on his lips, and his eyes turned down. My mind was racing out of control, and my hand was on automatic when softly rubbing my thumb over the sensitive skin on his neck.

'I gave you all those instructions when I left, knowing how much pressure it would be, there was no other choice if I was to capture that Breaker. When I returned, and I saw you like that in the bathroom, something hit me.' His fists balled up on the desk. 'And that's that I've never actually vocalized my affections this much, have I? I've shown you to the best of my abilities, but your reaction last night made me realize I've been failing in assuring you of any of it, haven't I?' When I wanted to protest, he shushed me. 'Please don't denounce it, I've been lying awake over it. I know this is an issue of mine that I won't get over so easily. But for the first time, I actually want to try. I want to show you that I feel everything you feel for me too. I want to stay by your side.' _What are you trying to say..?_

'I…'

'Kurapika…' He turned his eyes back up to mine, Not sure what I was supposed to make of this moment. 'I know it's not allowed here, and also not yet at your age, but please just accept this for now.' _Are you asking what I think you're asking?! Are you… are… you fucking kidding me?!_

'I… I…' I became unable to bring out any more than that when he got a small metal box out of his pocket, and placed it in my free hand. _I am just nearly seventeen, I didn't even trust anyone outside of the family 'till I met you, and now you're proposing to me, aren't you?!_

'... ...' My other hand shifted even lower over his shoulder when I popped it open, and he leaned in to kiss me, but I backed away a moment. _Of course you were insulted when I accused you of leaving._

'I…' _I don't know what to goddamn say…_ What is this goddamn idiocy, you're actually doing this, aren't you? And here I thought _I_ was the one desperate for contact.

'I'm not going anywhere anymore. I just want to be with you.' _Goddamnit, you're not making it any easier on me!_ This is goddamn crazy! You're out of your mind for doing this now, you're out of your mind for doing this at all! We've been together for five months, this is the first time I've actually been in a serious relationship and I'm only verging on seventeen. Nothing about this makes sense, and I can't even tell half the truth about you to my family, this is the worst idea you've ever had. _You're a goddamn mess when it comes to actual feelings._

I had to take a couple of very deep breaths to calm down a little. My mind was making up all the reasons why it shouldn't happen when there was really no reason to panic over any of this – if by the time it's legal we're still together, I… I wouldn't actually mind, would I..?

No, this still makes no sense. I don't even have a clue yet what a healthy relationship should feel like, this is my first experience. _I can't even tell if it's merely hormones or actual emotion, I don't trust myself on that right at this moment,_

'What's going on in there?' He asked a bit softer when an answer was delayed.

I shut my eyes tightly before I was able to answer,

'I'm sorry.'

'You're saying no?' I could actually hear the disappointment, so I decided to continue immediately.

'That's not what I meant. It's just that everything's been crazy lately, I can't make a decision like this right _now_.' I looked back up at him. 'But the feeling's mutual, don't worry about that.' I put the box down next to me on the desk, and latched on to him when his arms reached around me.

'Keep the ring, my apologies for springing this on you.'

'Don't be sorry.' I half laughed. _You're not apologizing for doing something like this._ I never used to be like this. I carried out my tasks, I had fun with my friends inside the family, I studied, I thought I knew exactly where my life was headed. Not that I particularly loved where it was going, but I never knew I needed this change in direction so much. _I love you so much, I don't even understand it anymore._ 'I know where it _is_ allowed though.' Somehow I was able to bring that out, and Chrollo increased the grip around me. Until last night, until just now, he'd been right… I never knew how much it affected him as well. It feels like some cheesy love story, where my life is turned upside down just because some guy entered it; but sometimes one person _can_ make a difference like that, can't he. It's not even about love, it's about being able to look at life differently because of someone's influence. It's about opening my eyes just a little more because of this affection. I thought I knew myself and life. I'm so glad I didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH NO HE DIDN'T  
> OH YES HE DID   
> (Just to make it clear, they're not actually engaged at this point, but the proposition is out there for Kurapika to accept as soon as it makes sense to him)


	19. Chapter 19

The rest of the day hadn't gone so smoothly, I think you can imagine. Although mainly overcome with emotion after that morning and the entire scene in his small office. I think I may had gotten a little too carried away. So after everything had been said and done it was somehow expected that I still focus on classes – which had reached the point of impossibility with me. There had been too much going on at once, not even I was functional after this. Which was noticed by classmates by the way. So I was glad when I was allowed to go before I'd be caught not listening one more time.

Going home, bursting to let it all out one way or the other, hadn't helped the day either. Because not only was it a bad idea to bring up the subject, as soon as I arrived home, the mood changed drastically. I was back to the feelings of this morning. No-one had the time, everyone was busy checking the information that had come along with the Breaker. Seeing as there wasn't really anyone to talk to at home, I opted to go see if the situation was the same at Pairo's house. But I was stopped by Lianna's voice coming from the living room. I set my bag down again, and walked over to her.

'What's the matter?' I leaned over the edge of the backrest next to her. She sat curled up, with the remote control next to her, but the tv hadn't been on since I came home. Did someone do something to her?

'Those five funerals we've had this last year, they were connected, weren't they?' She sounded scared all of a sudden. She hasn't sounded like that in a long time.

'Yeah, they were.' I sighed the words. 'The one responsible for it has been captured though. No need to worry about that anymore.' I lay a hand on top of her head, gently gliding it over her before retreating again.

'But if it's happened before, it can happen again, can't it? There's always gonna be people that want to experiment on us, aren't there?' Seems like it's finally gotten through to her. I'm happy it is, but it also makes me sad that she's made this step into adulthood.

'Unfortunately there are. There's a lot of people that can be trusted, but unfortunately there will always be people out to hurt you. That's not just true for us, it's true for everyone.' _We just have a bigger bulls-eye on us._

'Then how do I know who I can trust? How did you know you could trust Chrollo?' She looked around and up at me. I closed my eyes, letting out a deep breath thinking back on it. _I'm not exactly the shining example here._

'I was suspicious beyond measure, believe me. But at some point you can feel if someone has bad intention or not. What you mainly need to do, is give people the chance to be trusted. Not by giving them all kinds of information, but just by really listening to them. Chrollo did that with me as well.' I could see she technically understood my words, but she was still distressed. A message like that is too much for her to sink in immediately anyway. 'Come here.' I opened my arms for her to lean up on the couch, but she walked around it, and walked into my arms there instead.

'I'm sorry I've been careless, please don't die.' Because she was still eleven, she didn't have to do anything yet, but that wouldn't take long anymore. I guess that realization had just hit her. I remember how that went with me. She's gonna be fine if she's like this. I'll always be there for her, and I hope she realizes.

'Kura, what's this?' My eyes shot open when I felt the small metal box leave my vest pocket, and she jumped away when I wanted to take it from her again. _No! Not goddamn like this! You're not-!_

'Oh. My. God!' _But she did._ Well that mood of her changed instantly… When she opened it and stared down at it, she was distracted long enough for me to take it back from her. I zipped the pocket closed when I put it back where it belonged. I wanted to shush her, but she wasn't staying quiet about it. 'He proposed to you?!' She yelled incredibly loud before I could grab and smother her, alarming the entire house with her subtlety. I hung my head, hearing the activities in the backroom disappear. _Goddamn you little snitch._ But instead of feeling any kind of guilt over spilling the news, she just flew in my arms again, and wrapped her legs around me. I was nearly choked to death by how happy she seemed. Not exactly knowing what to do with this, I just supported her. _You have no idea what you just did to me, do you._

'We're not even engaged yet. Please calm down.' But she wouldn't. I was a little torn between wanting to choke her for doing this to me and be happy with her. The first was taking over quickly when I heard footsteps behind me though, and I turned around. With her still latched on to me, I looked up at both my parents, mentally preparing myself the best I could. The reason I didn't want to tell it like this, is because I know they still don't trust him, and they will not approve.

'Lianna, please let go of Kura, we need to borrow him for a second. She jumped off me and darted away after that, not noticing the serious tone I was being addressed with in the slightest. _Sometimes it's nice being oblivious._ As soon as she left the room, mom started talking.

'Did we hear that right? He proposed to you?'

'Yeah, he did.' I got more and more stressed under their stern looks, and folded my hands on my back,

'Did you accept?'

'I told him I couldn't make the decision right now. It was more of a promise than a marriage proposal.'

'You got a ring, it's a marriage proposal.' Dad decided to intervene. I didn't know how to react to that, because he was right. 'You know each other for less than half a year, on top of that he's your first love, and you know of our doubts about him. I want to be happy for you, but I can't say that I am.' I nodded, taking a small breath. Although expected, I felt sad about it. 'We're in more stressful times now than we've been in 25 years, so I can understand that you feel the need to connect or escape, but please give it some more-' Mom intervened when she saw a bit of sadness shining through in my expression,

'It's useless to say something like that, you know how he is, he's already giving it all his thoughts.' _Yes I am,_ 'Although he's been doing so much this past year, he's been glowing since they met. It's still more than a year before it's even allowed and nothing's even set in stone yet. _If_ anything will go wrong, that's plenty of time, don't you think.' _Not that I would call it off on your behalf._ 'I have to agree that I can't wholeheartedly be happy for you because it's all moving so fast, but please come here.' She opened her arms to me, but I hesitated a second, a bit surprised that she just used logic to accept it as far as she could. This had _not_ been an expected reaction.

When her arms stayed open though, I calmly stepped in them, pushing away that I felt babied.

'We'll always be here for you whether or not it works out. I love you, and I hope you'll be happy.'

'I will.' She huffed, and I felt dad pat me on the shoulder,

'You know, all the issues aside, I can't believe my baby got proposed to at 16.'

'I am _not_ a baby, mom!' I protested, but still laughed softly when I heard her say it out loud like that. With everything I do for this family, I feel like I'm already at least 25; sometimes I do forget that I'm only 16. Especially when I'm around Chrollo who treats me like an equal.

'I feel like I should threaten him some more now.' I heard my dad say, and laughed again,

'I love you both.'

'As you should.' I nuzzled a bit more against my mom's shoulder, and this entire day was finally sinking in. Even though my parents don't agree with this, they still love me enough to support me in these hard times. I'm the luckiest person on this whole word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Fluffy fluff fluff~  
> When I'm in a mood, I'm in a mood xD  
> But come on people, stop being perfect understanding parents and remember your position as Kurta's some more xD (Although they might be overcompensating because they feel guilty of seeing what all the pressure they put on Kura is doing to him) (does that sentence make sense?) (Oh well xD)


	20. Chapter 20

'I'm sorry about all of this.' I hung my head in shame for the way my parents had acted, but all Chrollo did was laugh about it. After a couple of days, when the matter of that Breaker had calmed down enough, they'd insisted to invite themselves to Chrollo's place and start another cross-examination, even demanding dinner. The fact that I could see Chrollo'd had another couple of sleepless nights hadn't worked wonders for my attitude towards them. So before it would become equally as late as the last time this happened, I'd forcefully pushed them out the door and kindly asked them to leave us alone.

As soon as I sat down again next to him on the couch, he let his head fall down on my lap. He turned to look up at me with a tired smile, and I let my hand softly glide through his hair. He closed his eyes for a second, enjoying the touch.

'It's alright. They just care a lot. I have to say it was fun to see you working them out the door. I feel so loved.' He smiled up at me, but I let out a deep breath. Someday, someday they'll accept him again. 'I plan on stealing their precious son away from them though, so I can understand.' He lifted his hand for me to take, and I let our fingers entwine, laying them down on his chest.

'I'm letting myself be stolen, just so we're clear.'

'Hm… indeed you are. You're walking into this completely willingly.'

'You've made some compelling arguments to let myself get stolen though.'

'Well, I wanted you at all costs, so of course I did my utmost best.' I bowed down to kiss him before leaning back, feeling quite tired by now as well.

'Sometimes I think about the time where you said you weren't coming on to me.'

'Technically still not a lie. I was interested in you, I didn't know yet in what way.'

'You're still lying. You have an interest in the human mind, so you knew perfectly well what you were experiencing.' He closed his eyes a second. I liked these kinds of arguments with him, but he seemed a bit too tired for it. I could feel in his breathing that he was already starting to drift off a little,

'It wasn't exactly the first thing I was waiting for in my line of work, so don't blame me for rejecting the thought at first.'

'Rejecting, yeah right.' He lifted our hands from his chest and kissed them gently.

'Either way, that's all in the past now, isn't it. I think it's quite clear now.'

'It's too bad you don't have the energy anymore.'

'Oh? You had something good planned for me?'

'Doesn't matter, you need the rest.' I breathed out the words. It can wait until morning,

'If I sleep for a couple of hours now, are you still up for it then?'

'You're still incorrigible.'

'No, I am just very, very willing, there's a difference. And we can only do this when you're staying here, so I want to make the most of it when you do.' He kissed our hands again, looking up at me.

'I still have my duties and training, you know. I _have_ a life beside you.' _And my family's still more important._

'Looking forward to our married life though.'

'Hey, I'm not your sex toy, just so you know.'.

'Oh? Then what else did you have planned?' He sat back up, and gave me an intense stare before kissing me, lingering close. His hand already traveled up my leg, but I "gently" grabbed hold of his wrist, keeping it where it was.

'It was just some news, but I wanted to wait until you were completely awake, not just a certain part of you.' I laughed when for a change, he was the one to sit up over my lap, and I casually lay my hands on the side of his legs. His lips quickly made their way to my ear, and he whispered,

'That's not exactly fair, now is it. We both have class tomorrow, and so little time in the morning.'

'Are you whining about not having time for sex or an important message?' I closed my eyes to the soft kisses though. 'Because if you want me to tell you, it's a good idea to-' I stopped talking when he looked back at me, a more wanting look in his eyes than I was used to. He then lifted his hand and glided his thumb along under my eye with great care. 'You want me to take the lenses out?' Ever since he first saw my eyes, he seemed to be infatuated with them; tonight when tired, more so than other times. He softly kissed the lid before answering,

'It's alright, just tell me the special news first.' He leaned back and let his hands rest on my hips. He said he was giving me his full attention, but I could see that because of sleep deprivation it was hard for him to focus on anything other than what held his interest the most at the moment.

'I'll tell you in the morning.' He laughed a little when I said this after a short moment of deliberation.

'I'm being _that_ transparent, am I? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.'

'You didn't mean to be transparent? You _really_ need to sleep.' I laughed back at him, and he hung his head back against my shoulder,

'Please just tell me. I can tell it's important if you're worried about my attention span.'

'So long as you'll be able to remember in the morning.'

'There's nothing wrong with my memory, not even when I'm like this.' I deliberated for another couple of seconds, before just giving in. I closed my eyes,

'I talked with my parents yesterday, about a change in my duties.'

'Oh? You finally asked?'

'Oy, just let me talk.' I pinched him, and he protested a little before letting me continue. 'Seeing as my specialty has shifted a little, I'm to work together on security around the houses, and my training will now only entail medical training.'

'That's wonderful.' His enthusiasm was lacking a little, but that was just because his mind wasn't really present right now. 'I mean, that means no more killing, that must take a load off you.'

'It really does. It also means I'll have some more time to visit you.'

'I think I like the sound of that.' He kissed my neck when he heard those words.

'You have goddamn selective hearing.' I laughed when his lips brushed by a ticklish piece of skin. 'My life is falling into place, and all you're thinking about is sex.'

'Not fair and not true. I'm also thinking about waking up with you every morning, how I still want to take over the tracks from each and every one of you, how much my life has changed since I chose to kiss you. You can't blame me for all those exciting thoughts making me excited.' My heart skipped a beat when he said that. Everything, everything that's been happening this past half year has been unbelievable – both bad and good. But right at this point, with this man close to me, for a second all I remembered was the good. 'Mm, I do believe that's a sign that I'm allowed to continue, isn't it.' He responded when my hands slid a little further up, sliding a bit under the hem his shirt.

'I think you're too convincing.'

'You make it sound like you don't like having sex with me. Which we both know isn't true.'

'See? I can't actually argue against that, now can I.' Given the freedom, Chrollo hooked his hands under my shirt as well, and I accommodated in letting it be pulled off over my head.

'Well, you're really easy to convince, just so you know.' He looked back at me,

'Like I care right now.' I cupped his face and pulled him back down into a kiss. Most certainly not how I'd expected to spend the seventeenth year of my life, but I'm not complaining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thus it begins. I am kicking Kurapika all over the place, hoping he'll notice the signs, just so you know.  
> But it's hard to, when you don't want to notice, isn't it.  
> He just wants to live in this perfect little world just for him that Chrollo's created, and it'll be hard for him to escape.  
> Which inadvertently exactly what Chrollo wants.  
> Damn you Chrollo.


	21. Chapter 21

That I ever would see the day where Chrollo would be the one to pout. Vacation had come up, and with all the free time, he thought I'd be able to spend the entire week with him. He said he offered it so he could teach me some new skills, but I have this feeling it was more because he wanted an early honeymoon. I didn't have the time either way. It's been two weeks since he proposed, and now that I had holiday from school, I got extra schooling on our family's own, specific medical knowledge. My mentor was actually pretty excited to be finally teaching me this, so he got a little over-excited and planned the whole week. Well not the whole week, my weekend had been kept free for my birthday.

Chrollo'd asked me after studying from across the table, taking hold of my hands and looking straight at me. When he started pouting, I had to laugh a little.

'We've been spending so much time together already, do you even still take jobs?' He folded his arms under his head on the table when I let go of his hands.

'I don't have to do a lot of jobs, I just have to pick the right ones and I'm good for another couple of months. I've built up enough reputation on my alias to live this way.' _How rich are you, really?_ 'What? Are you going to demand a bigger ring now? You have this look in your eyes.' He smiled back at me. I looked away when I was caught on the thought. 'I'm never going to spend big, it would kind of give away that I'm not just a teacher.'

'I'm not asking you to.' I still didn't look at him, but I leaned back in my chair away from my work, and I just let the little fantasies fill my head for a second. _We're not a poor family, but we don't actually have a lot of money to spare with all the security we have to put and keep in place._

'You look too amused not to be imagining spending my money. And this after denying me the company next week. Someone's not being fair.'

'Yeah, well, this someone is going to make his own money if I keep my medical training up. So what do you actually prefer? Me gone for a week to learn to make my own living, or here for a week living off of your riches?' I turned my eyes back to him when I noticed his foot had made it to my side of the table, and he was making his way up my leg. 'Well, there's a shocking answer.' He smiled again, but stagnated when the length of his leg couldn't make it past a certain point. 'You're not going to let me study this weekend are you? I think I'm going to have to take my opinions of you as a teacher back.'

'Who said I wouldn't be teaching you anything new?' Well, alright, he caught my interest with that. I _could_ accommodate him and shuffle closer against the table, but I didn't yet.

'I'll be learning new massaging techniques as well, I don't think you object to that, do you?' Last time that I actually succeeded in getting him so far as to actually undergo the massage instead of other activities, he'd purred like a kitten and slept like a baby even though he hadn't had any sleep deprivation. In the morning he'd appreciatively used his loosened muscles though.

'What else will you be learning?'

'Well, there's been some injuries while tracking, so whatever those are, I'm getting to learn how to heal more quickly. Nothing deeply surgical yet.'

'Anyone you know that got hurt?'

'Yeah, Pairo messed up this time. But tracking's not his specialty, so him visiting isn't exactly an exception.' I snorted, thinking about it. It hasn't exactly become better after his sister's death, but he was starting to pick it up again. I felt Chrollo's foot getting a little restless again, but noticing I wasn't going to give in, he just lay it down on the chair in between my legs. I gave him a triumphant look for that one.

'Your tracking has been taken over by him completely?' He didn't look like he'd given up just yet though.

'No, mainly by my aunt's side of the family. They're better at it either way.'

'I still want to take it over from all of you.'

'No matter how sweet and sensitive that sounds, it's never going to happen.' I sighed the words. 'Besides, we may not have your experience, but we do have a certain physical advantage.' Even though it was with Chrollo, I felt incredibly uncomfortable saying it.

'I noticed. Your eyes are superior, aren't they. But they will not help you with close combat, so I will still ask to take over with every chance I get.' I raised my hand and started listing off the reasons of why it was a bad idea finger by finger,

'One, I am by no means allowed to show my red eyes to anyone before I'm 18, and even then not until we're married. Two, I will be put in the position of having to choose between you and my family when they find out you're an assassin. Three, they will skin me alive when they find out you know the family secret. Four-' I wasn't allowed to go to four, he'd hooked his other leg behind the leg of my chair and shuffled me closer, making him able to reach his goal. 'Four! You play goddamn dirty!' I slammed my hand down on the table.

'At the least after your trainings, come home to me.' I _could_ have shuffled my chair back.

'I hardly see my family anymore as is, you're goddamn monopolizing me.'

'You make it sound like that's a bad thing.' _You're incorrigible,_ 'Plus you're doing training now with them, so you get to see enough of them.'

'That's not the family I'm talking about, you big baby.'

'They're welcome for dinner one or two times.'

'You- we are _not_ having this discussion with your foot being where it is!' I lay my hand on my face, covering it while trying to hold back a little. _This was a matter of pride._

'Then just distance yourself again, it's not difficult.'

'Or you can just take your damn foot away!' I dropped my hand and yelled back at him, a little exasperated, but not being able to be completely serious about it.

'Well I'm not gonna do that, so we're simply continuing the discussion.'

'…Fine! I'll invite them over for dinner here. Happy now?'

'Very.' I looked away from him, but that seemed to have been a mistake.

His foot retreated, leaving me not knowing whether I wanted to continue or not. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to just will it away for now. But the man that had crawled under the table seemed to have other ideas about that. My fist slammed back on the table when he slid his hands over the sides of my legs and his mouth found its way quickly enough over the still clothed area.

I shut my eyes tightly and protested for a very short moment, but eventually just hunched back over the table and let myself go. _Whatever, it's not like there was anything left to discuss either way._

'You owe me for this.' I mumbled against the table. He gave me a short second of relief when he replied,

'I have zero problems with that.'

I still had to shake my head at this man's actions. Ever since he proposed he can't stay away from me, and I'm not complaining at all, am I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chrollo's just playing around now that he got what he wanted. I'm still thinking about when to make the turning point, because when I do, there's no returning to this carefree fluffy side, and mayhaps I have made myself addicted to it and I want it to last forever just as much as Kurapika does.
> 
> I have a very strong love/hate thing going on with myself xD


	22. Chapter 22

That Chrollo would get more clingy wasn't strange considering this was – more for him than for me – all new to him, but I never expected it to take these kinds of extremes,

'But you have to go to class yourself today!' I was currently attempting to leave the bed, but not even pulling myself to the edge was doing me any good.

'Transfer yourself to mine, and I'll consider.' He pulled me back so hard that I had to let go of the edge, and he wrapped his arms tightly around my waist, pulling me onto him. I was left facing the ceiling, and I let out a deep, deep breath. I placed my feet next him, pulling my knees up. I can understand, I can understand it all, but that never helps in these situations. I laughed to myself.

'I can't transfer to your class and I won't! I still want to be able to actually learn something at school!' More so than me who still grew up with love around him even though I couldn't trust anyone outside of the family, Chrollo is someone who never got any of that love. It makes sense that he's being like this and not wanting to let go. I am _very_ willing to give all of this to him, but I _do_ have my obligations, and my world is bigger than just him,

'Can we at least travel together?'

'You want the school to start suspecting something?' No matter my family half-approving, no-one else is supposed to know,

'I want to stay here and keep you to myself all day, I'm compromising.'

'You're not compromising! You're keeping me hostage!' I spoke up, but laughed when his lips found a ticklish spot on my neck.

'Hm… I don't seem to care all that much.'

'Well you should.' He's good at distracting me, but I let my hands glide over his, and gently started untangling him, rolling off him onto my knees. He sat up himself, and lay his hand on the side of my face, giving me an intense stare before pulling me a bit closer for a soft kiss. 'Although you're a big part of it, you're not my complete life. I actually have stuff I like to do besides you.' He smiled when I said it like that, and pulled close for another kiss. Well, at least his emotions have become a lot more transparent in this short amount of time. 'You should look into where you could find work as a psychologist, or maybe look into the other schools in this district. Gives you something to do besides me as well.' He didn't even have to say it, he was looking straight at me, and at this point in time he didn't care about anything else. He just wants this cozy little bubble of the two of us to exist. That's it.

I'm more of a family person though, I feel best with a group around me, so he will have to force himself out the door one of these days. I leaned in for one last kiss before pulling away and making sure I'd be able to leave the bed this time. His hand slowly glided away from my cheek,

'What you do with your time now, whether you go to work or not, that's your choice, but I'm my own person, and I decide to go to class today. You'll have to learn to accept that.'

'I don't want to.'

'And I thought _I_ would be high maintenance.' I walked around the bed to the nightstand when my phone started to ring, and pulled the desk chair closer with my foot to sit down there. The edge of the bed was a danger zone at the moment.

'Kurapika.'

 _'Kura, it's Pairo, I need to talk with you about something, are you alone right now?'_ My mood dropped instantly when I heard those words. For a while now, everyone was telling me of their concerns about how quickly this relationship was going, when no-one was even sure about Chrollo yet. Frankly, I'm getting a bit tired of it, but I still stepped out the room, raising my hand in apology to the man in question when I did.

'Pairo, I told you already, there's not even a rush to any of this, it's not even officially an engagement, there are no plans for marriage whatsoever, and I'm not even thinking about that, I'm just enjoying my time. Frankly, it's starting to feel like pestering.'

 _'I just wanted to ask you if you have time tonight, I haven't seen you in three weeks.'_ I stopped walking down the stairs to the kitchen when he said that. _'That's about the longest I haven't seen or talked with you since we met, Kura. I'm not apologizing for worrying about everything changing, 'cos it scares me.'_ I put both my feet on the same step, and raked my hair back, leaving my hand on my head. I hadn't even noticed this. _When was the last time I slept at home? Apart from medical training, I still go there, right?_

'What time is it, maybe I can still pick you up, and we'll ride to school together.'

_'There's not enough time for that, but we can go somewhere after?'_

'That's a deal, I'll cancel my plans for tonight.' I raised an eyebrow when I heard some soft laughing from the other side of the line. 'What is it..?'

_'I'm sorry, no, but, you sound like you're thirty.'_

'Wow, thank you so much.' I continued walking downstairs after hearing that,

_'No but seriously, Kura, I really worry about you. You've always been a little high-strung, but you managed, and you looked incredibly happy that all of this was happening just for you. But you're kinda making a 180 towards us right now.'_

'What are you talking about?' I looked up when I heard Chrollo leave the room, but he was just going to the bathroom. I stopped in the living room myself when the tone got more serious,

_'We used to be everything for you, it feels like we don't really matter anymore ever since he proposed.'_

'That's nonsense! You guys will always be most important to me! You guys _have_ to know that…'

_'You practically ran out after your parents started doubting Chrollo again! You had a huge fight with Lianna!'_

'Lianna is just stressed because soon she's gonna have to start to take part in the family too, she understands I don't hate her!'

 _'You really think that? She's eleven! Of course she doesn't understand, you dunce!'_ I drew my brows together in insult over not understanding my own sister. Where was all of this suddenly coming from..?

'Pairo I'm not having this conversation!' I raised my voice back at him, 'I love all of you, and you know that! Chrollo's just currently taking precedence because he's new in my life, you know how that goes!'

_'You're obsessed with him Kura!' That was so uncalled for,_

'I am in goddamn love with the man! I never even thought about that happening, so _excuse_ me that I'm enjoying it! Don't direct your frustrations my way just because I'm not spending all my time with you anymore!' There was no way Chrollo wasn't hearing any of this.

_'You're just a teenager yourself, whether you like to think of yourself as one or not, and you're obsessed, and it's scary that you don't see it!'_

'If I'm acting thirty, then you're acting ten! If tonight's gonna be the same as this, then I'm not canceling my plans!' _If it bothered you this much, you should've talked with me earlier you idiot, I don't want to have this fight, it hurts!_

 _'Which is spending more time with him? Having sex with him?'_ I huffed indignantly when the level of conversation dropped even lower,

'I don't need to hear this from _you_! You've always been pining after someone and unable to shut up about it!' I reacted insulted. _What the hell kind of things are happening to you that you're falling out against me like this?!_ I knocked my fist against the wall next to me, trying to contain myself.

_'Well at least I haven't ever show my red to anyone!'_

'…I haven't either! Why in the hell would you even think that!' I closed my eyes and took a deep breath when I realized…

 _'You hesitated! You've actually shown him!'_ Before I could slam my fist _through_ the wall this time, Chrollo grabbed me by the wrist,

'I hesitated because it was a stupid assumption! What's really happening?! Even in the toughest times we've never had a fight like this! I just can't believe _you_ are accusing me of something like that! My family's safety has always come first!' _You of all people should know how much I sacrificed to keep us together and safe, I can't believe you're saying all of this. I've given this family my life…_

_But still I'm lying to him…_

_'You're good at a lo~t of things Kura, but lying against us is not one of them. You know I'll have to report this._ ' The anger in his voice started to dissipate along that sentence, even though he wanted to keep yelling. I looked up at Chrollo when he let go of my arm, and stepped around me, sliding his arms around my waist again from behind. _This isn't happening, it's not even a big deal, there's no consequences, Chrollo won't do anything to hurt me. Why am I the only one convinced of that?_

'Don't do this Pairo, there's nothing the matter at all!' _I don't want to choose between people I love, and my parents are not gonna let this slide if you tell them something like that…_ I felt my throat clench up, and feeling started to leave my skin a little while I was trying to keep thinking clearly in all of this and get out of this better than the doom scenario in my head…

 _'It's the one most important rule, Kura. Not even I am going to keep this a secret. I thought you'd learned more from all the death surrounding us.'_ Choosing in between anger that he brought that up and swallowing away sadness, my body was choosing the latter, and I shut down in the fear.

'… …' Silence. It was all that was left inside of me. I couldn't say anything. I felt guilt towards them, pain of the upcoming conflict, and powerlessness over it all. _Things should be looking up…_

 _'I don't want to be the one to do this, but if you're not going to do it, then I'll be forced to.'_ He started sounding sad as well. _Instead of being sad, please just keep it to yourself and just let me have this happiness._

'… I understand.' But all I could do was answer with that. I closed my eyes and any residual hatred slowly ebbed away. 'I'll call myself, you can check tonight after six. If I haven't done it by then, you're entitled to tell them yourself.' I couldn't say anything…

_'Kurapika…'_

'I'm sorry to have put you in this position, I'll see you after classes are over.'

 _'I'm sorry too, I didn't intend it to go this far, please believe me.'_ I hung up afterwards and stared at the phone in my hand for a while. I can't believe this is actually happening. I felt Chrollo press against me from behind, and kiss my ear, but I didn't give it any attention. I took a deep breath and lay my hand on top of his, silently asking him to let me go. I walked back upstairs to dress for classes, and got the necessary stuff. How did the call end up like that? It stirred a deep unrest inside of me, a fear of not being able to combine both lives, and I had no words for it. _Why… why were you so angry in the first place..? I feel like I don't know you anymore either…_

When I was about to step out without any regard for my surroundings, Chrollo closed the door again, and broke the silence before I left.

'It's going to be alright, they will never reject you.'

'… …' I still couldn't speak up, and opened the door again, leaving for school. I want to believe his words, but showing our eyes without permission of the family is the greatest sin any of us can commit. _Why doesn't anyone trust him the way I do…._

They won't stop loving me, but considering their uneasiness towards Chrollo, there's the possibility I will be forced to leave the family and take another last name.

_I don't even want to think about that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, whatever could've been plaguing Pairo...  
> But thus it begins.  
> I have stepped out of fluffy fluffy land, Alice has just realized she's gone down the rabbithole.


	23. Chapter 23

I don't know what I should've expected. When I'd called my mom in between classes, I was only able to confess because over the years I've become good in clearing my voice in times of distress. While tears were pricking behind my eyes, my words reached her clear and well, and the silence that followed had slowly killed me inside.

 _'I'm coming over.'_ She'd said very resolutely,

'Mom please don't, you have work and I have class, you-'

 _'Don't you tell me what to do after giving me news like this!'_ She'd silenced me with those words. _'You know goddamn well what this could mean, do you really think I care more about this part-time job than actually raising my own son?!'_

'Please, we'll discuss it when I get-' To be honest I just didn't want to feel it, I didn't want to realize it.

 _'I'm coming over, and we're discussing it before it's too late.'_ She'd hung up after those words.

* * *

It took her an agonizing hour before she'd gotten away from her job and to the school. All the while I was still in class because I didn't want any of this to happen and I needed to distract myself. Chrollo had been in class and not available either – I was to take care of this on my own. If only I hadn't hesitated in the conversation with Pairo, if only my parents could just accept Chrollo, if only these stupid eyes didn't stand out this-

-while sagging further and further into myself and regret, I heard my name being called over speaker. With a short nod to and from my teacher, I packed my stuff and left the class. Considering this never happened, the whole class got silent and watched me walking out the door. My heart was pounding in my throat, and I felt like I wouldn't be able to say a word, but still I dutifully walked towards the reception. I swallowed back a lump when I saw her standing at a small distance, looking at me. I painfully smiled back at her and nudged for her to follow. I couldn't really take the angry, pained expression on her face, but still I silently walked her with me to Chrollo's office of which I'd gotten a key from. I let her walk in after me with brisk, angry steps. I wanted to start the conversation before I'd forget how to talk, but as soon as the door was closed and I opened my mouth, I felt her palm connect painfully hard to the side of my face. Held back tears sprung out, but it took a deep, shaky breath before I was able to look back at her.

'How could you?' She brought out silently, she sounded like she was close to tears herself.

'I…' She didn't let me get further than that. I looked back up at her when her emotions came flooding out without warning,

'Of all the things you could have done! I know this past year has been rough so we've been more lenient because we know how you take everything on yourself and Chrollo was actually doing you good…' She took a deep breath to continue. _Please don't…_ 'There's all kinds of dubious behavior surrounding him that you're not seeing but we turned a blind eye because I don't think you would've survived if we'd denied him, you were a mess before he came along. God knows we tried to relieve stress for you, but the deaths were too much on all of us, we shouldn't have let this happen.' She violently shook her head. I was torn between wanting to scream back and simply cry because of the hurt in her eyes and how much her words hurt me too. _I'm sorry I'm doing this to you, please don't cry…_ 'It's the biggest taboo, and of all the rules we have I never expected you to break this one… Lianna will be turning twelve soon, how much do you think she'll like to hear it you might get thrown out?!' Her voice grew in volume along her speech. Without hesitation I overshadowed her voice hearing those words,

'How dare you hold your own daughter's feeling over my head like that! You can yell at me about my mistakes all you want but you're gonna leave her out of this! She's my little sister, of course I know what it would do to her! Why do you think I never said it before that I did this!'

'So you were just going to keep it a secret until you were married to that shady man?! Do you think he'll be able to keep the secret for so long? What do you even know about his personal life, about his history? What even makes you believe everything he says? What am I supposed to-!' I stopped her when she started gesturing more violently,

'You guys are only calling him shady because this has been a stressful year for you as well! I am sick and fucking tired of no-one except me trusting him! He's proven time and time again that there's nothing wrong with him and I get sick of the idea that my trust in him isn't enough for you! Apparently you suddenly decided not to trust my judgment anymore!' I stomped my foot in anger. By now it'd gone to full-blown yelling, and both our hearts could be heard breaking over our voices skipping with every sentence. _I love you, I don't want to have this fight…_

'You're a teenager and I'm your mother, Kura! Of course we're going to doubt your decisions, no matter how mature you are! And it's not even an excuse for showing him your eyes, there's enough people interested in merely the color you damn idiot!' When she stepped closer and exclaimed that last part, she brought a hand to her mouth and it took me aback a second as well before I set one foot closer too and retorted,

'The fact that you didn't know about this until I fucking told you would make _you_ the idiots, don't you think?!' I continued before she'd dropped her hand, 'I never told anyone, he's never told anyone, don't you think that if he had there'd have been more deaths than this?! Why exactly are you calling _me_ the idiot?! I've done everything I fucking can for this goddamn family and more! I thought I could never trust anyone outside the family anymore in my whole life, and the one person I decide to give myself to completely you all reject completely?! How am I supposed to live with that?!' There was a short second of silence. In that short second, my brows relaxed again, and hers drew up in sadness. _No, don't, please, please don't look at me like that, please don't be disappointed…_

After that short second her face turned angry again and her silent words pierced straight through me,

'I wanted to try and keep it a secret from your father because I love you and don't want to lose you, but you really won't see it, will you.' My eyes drew open wide when I heard her say all this. _I know what those words mean…_ She stood trembling with her fists clenched when I backed away a small step, 'I would have even forgiven something like this because I know how you are… but it's clear you have no inhibition to this man whatsoever. I can't let that slide... it's impossible…'

'I have no inhibition because he can be trusted.' Barely audible I was able to make that exit my throat. But she just slowly shook her head,

'He can't, Kura.' I swallowed hard when I saw tears finding their way out with her, 'Even people with a clean history we tell about our eyes are not trusted, but Chrollo's invasion into your life, his perfect behavior, his history that can barely be checked because he supposedly grew up in Meteor City, the timing of his arrival with the slur of deaths… why can't you see it?'

'Because I love him, and he loves me.' The tears started rolling down with me as well as I tried to keep the trembling to myself. Seeing mom so vulnerable, I had to resist not laying my arms around her to comfort her, when it was me who was causing all of this…

'… …' She had to take another couple of deep breaths. She was choking up too much to say anything more than this, so she stepped towards me and raised her hand to slap me again. I closed my eyes and cringed, ready to take the physical punishment because it hurt way less than what was actually happening.

But the slap never came.

Instead there was a deafening silence, interrupted by a small, hurt voice,

'We love you too, why couldn't that have been enough…' I looked up into her eyes when her hand dropped back to her side, 'Where have we gone wrong? Why couldn't you trust anyone anymore?'

 _How am I supposed to answer with you looking at me like that? I don't know! I just don't know…_ I wish I knew, I wish I could see your point of view, I wish you could see mine, but it's not going to happen is it…

'I love you so much, please don't cry.' I managed to squeeze out just before she raised her hand again and I closed my eyes for the impact, but was dumbfounded when she lay both her arms around me. I pleaded, 'Please don't do this, I don't want to leave you.' _I'll leave Chrollo, he's not worth all of you, please just don't do this…_ 'You're all I have.' I didn't feel worthy to lay my arms around her trembling body, but my heart told me to do it anyway,

'I'll discuss it with your father…' She buried her face in my shoulder, the wetness of her tears against the skin of my neck. 'Why did you have to do this, Kura…'

'Because I love him, mom, isn't that obvious yet…' My voice started to become even again because I wasn't able to deal with it anymore. If they really see Chrollo as this kind of danger, I don't know what's going to happen, and I don't want to find out. I just want to turn back time 'till before Pairo's call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personally, I think I'd go numb if this would happen to me, and try my hardest to deny it was happening. Especially knowing that at this point I'd have no-one to lean on (screw you Chrollo)


	24. Chapter 24

After a call to dad from mom, she told me we would go to the main house to discuss this. The entire family would be there, and I knew what that meant for my chances. If even mom couldn't let it slide, I shouldn't have expected dad to be any different. All I have left now is hope for compromise. We both knew chances for that were slim as well. She wasn't able to say it, that I had to prepare for the worst, because by all means she didn't want to cast out one of her own and I saw it was killing her. _At least you'll have someone to lean on after this, I will be left with just one._ I'd shook that thought out of my head before hugging her goodbye and sat out my remaining hours at school. Classes didn't really matter to me, but most of the family wasn't available until six tonight, so while waiting I preferred to do something instead of curling up into a little ball on my own. Because in those remaining hours, Chrollo hadn't been free, and for the first time in my life, there had been no-one to talk to or be close to when I needed it.

I don't think "tough" cuts it in describing that waiting time…

I have no-one outside of Chrollo and my family to lean on, I don't want them to be divided.

Somehow I'd been able to drag myself through the day though, but in the end hadn't been able to reach Pairo anymore, and I was left to go to the main house on my own. I was worried, I thought that for sure with all of this happening, I'd have been able to talk with him, that he'd be available. It's rare in its own that he can't be reached…

I shook my head when I noticed that I was stalling getting out of the car, and that I was doing a poor job in it – I was just making it worse thinking about all this. _I don't want to step in that house though._

I let my eyes pan around the street a bit and leaned my arms and head on the steering wheel. Everyone really is here, aren't they… Is that little moment of wanting to connect really going to destroy my life? Why does it have to be that way? Nothing bad has happened because of it, Chrollo hasn't done anything, and he's already made perfectly clear he never intends to leave me. I don't understand why I can't be given the leeway. I've done more than enough to counter this non-consequential slip up, haven't I? Do you really have so little trust in both him and me?

I blinked away tears forming in my eyes. No, I'm not good in distracting myself, but it sure as hell beats walking in there and hearing your family exile you for no reason at all and tearing your soul out with it. I've known Chrollo for less than a year… no matter how much I love him, that can't make up for all the time I've ever spent with my family. I'll never be able to fill that void…

After a while I was able to step out of the car. I didn't want someone to come out and ask me in, I needed to do that on my own. After taking a couple of steps in the right direction I had to stop again though. Inside that house was the entire family, outside it was as quiet as it was feeling inside of me because of fear. My legs decided not to walk in just yet, instead my arms moved and I tried calling both Pairo and Chrollo one last time.

At long last the latter picked up, and my heart skipped a beat.

 _'I'm really busy at the moment, how urgent is it?'_ I shut down when I heard that. All day he's been unreachable, and I finally hear from him with an annoyed tone directed at me.

I huffed and smiled, closing my eyes,

'I'll be spending the night at my parents', I'll see you again tomorrow.'

 _'I don't have the time tonight, so that's alright with me. Good luck with your family, love you.'_ He'd said the words, but it didn't reach me. I don't know if that was because of me, or because of him, but he didn't give me time to retort either way. _I hope you're really goddamn busy that you said that just now._

I took a deep breath after putting the phone away again, finding some energy in that anger, and got my legs moving. I practically closed my eyes when stepping inside, and dutifully hung my coat, the entire large, open living room going quiet and fixing their eyes on me when I entered. I searched out the three pairs that were my nearest family, but first and foremost noticed that Pairo-

'Kura!' I heard a known voice before that blonde mess of a sister of mine flew at me, half crying already. _This does not make things better..._ I lay my arms around her shoulders, and buried my head on top of hers. 'Why did you do that, I thought we were most important.' She muffled against my shirt, and I broke down in tears immediately, but still keeping my voice even when I softly answered.

'I never thought I could love anyone like this, Lia, but it's not worth all this by a long shot. I love you so much more.' She looked up at me when she got called back, and walked back to mom who lay her arms around her.

'I don't want to start my training without you.' She's just hurt because of the situation, but the betrayal in her voice tore me apart. _I want to help you get through it too…_

'Kurapika,' I turned around to my dad who stepped forward after that scene. 'We've been discussing this for a while, even before coming here, but you know that we have no reason to trust Chrollo Lucilfer.' I nodded for him to continue. I was glad that he'd do the talking, I don't think I would've survived mom's broken voice twice on the same day on top of everything else. 'His slate is clean, but that doesn't take away that there's a lot of doubt surrounding him, including his behavior.'

'You mean in the way that he approached me?'

'I mean in the way that he chose you specifically, and you let him in without much question, that he decided to marry this quickly and you can't convince me that in your heart you haven't already accepted that proposal, that you're living with him already, that you've shown him your true eye color. If you've even shown him that, what else does he know Kurapika? Because that can't be the first secret you'd let out. What lead up to that?' I was still silently crying.

'You're telling me he chose me specifically because I'm the perfect age to be vulnerable for this, that someone with a past so clean would be able to pick out my vulnerability? Don't you think these questions went through me as well?' It started becoming harder for some people to look at me. _But this is something_ you _decided to do, please at least have the decency to look me in the eye while making this decision._ 'I have no logic to defend him with, because any logic is based on information we could find on him, and you don't trust that anymore. I don't know what you're expecting me to say to defend myself.' My voice started to crack a little.

'How did you meet.' I repeated what I'd repeated in my head a million times before,

'He saw me in the school before officially starting to work there, and I stood out for him. We met after that at the parking lot of the supermarket where we started talking. When we saw each other at school again we started talking more about life and philosophies, and I felt calm around him. It's just my instincts that were telling me it was okay to get involved.' His mouth didn't move, but I could see it in his eyes before he responded, and my heart was starting to crack as well. _Don't do it if it hurts you this much as well, please. I don't want to see you broken either…_

'…I'm the one who taught you how to lie, Kurapika, what are you not saying.' I choked up and swallowed back hard. There was no way I'd be able to cover this up anymore if he caught that one. If I'd answer now that he was an Assassin, that he'd caught me doing my job and knows about the other qualities of our eyes as well, then I'd still be ex-communicated from the family, but they'd also hunt him. If I choose not to say anything now, they will spare themselves the futile hunt.

_I'm sorry._

_I'm so sorry._

_I'm still doing this for you._

'I'm telling you everything.' I could see his heart break in two. 'He doesn't know anything else about us, he only knows about the color.'

'Do you… Do you have anything else to say to defend yourself with?' He was grasping at straws. He didn't want to do this, but everyone around him was demanding it from him and I know he won't be able to look at me the same either way, even if he'd throw away all his beliefs in keeping the family safe. Of all people, he knows the best how much I care about the family, and that I wouldn't do any of this without reason, and that I wouldn't lie without good reason either. Of the people it hurt most for, we were still looking at each other, and I could feel mom and Lianna's eyes on me as well, but the rest…

'Can all of you at least _look_ at me while you're doing this to me?' My voice started to crack some more when I raised it, and got some attention back. 'You're throwing me out of the family, aren't you? The decision was already made before I even came here so why are you putting on this show?! There's nothing I can use to defend myself with, so it's only natural. If anyone knows how the rules work in this family, it's me. You all know that!' I looked a bit more to the left, people looking away when my anger started to surface, 'All I've done all my life is take care of you, protect you, loved every last one of you, and I did everything you asked of me because of that; even though it meant that I was pushing myself to the limit. How can you even find it strange that I welcome Chrollo into my life? He's been more accepting and grateful than most of you have ever been combined!' When I turned to the right, I got the same reaction, and I turned back to my closest family, 'I don't want to choose between the people I love, but if you really think this is the best for the family, then I will accept.' _I won't. I will never be able to accept this…_

'You're leaving me no choice, Kurapika.'

'This is all based on your assumptions, there's no hard evidence he's ever done anything, you're only suspecting him because it's been a hard year on the family. So please forgive me that I don't exactly understand how you have no other choice!' No, there was absolutely no way left for me to keep my voice even,

'Dad why are we doing this?!' I heard the plea from Lianna. I could see dad hesitate, and he looked at mom when he was unable to say the actual words.

'If he would simply break contact with Chrollo before he tells anything serious..?' _Please, please don't draw it out if you know it won't work…_

'He's keeping a secret from us about Chrollo that he's not willing to share; that means that it's important enough for us to judge him on. I think there's already been serious secrets told. Breaking with him would only make the situation worse.' I heard her small voice break through the silence, and I closed my eyes after exchanging a short glance with her. _She's right, we both know it._

'I'm sorry Kura.' _No,_

'What makes you think a simple "sorry" will even cut it?! Every single one of you knows that this family is the most important thing in my life, and you're going to take it away from me anyway?! I can't believe any of you!' My screaming became more hysterical, 'Is this what I've worked so hard for?! For some circumstantial evidence?! I goddamn love that man and that man goddamn loves me! You even gave him your seal of approval one time!' I shouted directly at mom, 'It's just been a stressful time, please give it some time before—'

'From the end of this week,' My eyes shot open when dad raised his voice to interrupt me, and I raised it over his,

'No you are _not-!'_

'You will never have been a Kurta.'

'How can you say this to your own _son_?!' I violently stomped my foot and swung my arm wide,

'You will be chipped and monitored to make sure you won't spill any more secrets.'

' _You're shattering my whole goddamn life!_ ' I didn't know how to scream louder than this, and I heard my dad's voice diminish with every word,

'You will be granted housing until you've found your own place, or you can take everything to Chrollo's.'

'I… ' _Is this really happening?_ 'I can't, I'm sorry. I can't look at you sadists anymore.' I was torn in between wanting to run away, and knowing it would be one of the last times I'd see them. Because I will only be allowed limited contact from now on. _I will not be able to be close to any of you anymore, why is this happening..? Why are you doing this to me…_

I felt my nails protruding my skin when I balled up my fists too tight, and in the silence I could actually hear the drops of blood hitting the wooden floor.

'I will get my stuff later this week. I love you, but I will never forgive you for taking this away from me.' At that point I'd meant it. I know it hurt for them too, and Lianna started crying and yelling back at me, mom keeping her where she was. _You know how much this hurts for me, I can't forgive you for pulling through with this… we could've kept it between us. I don't understand why this was necessary at all…_ I closed my eyes to their hurt looks and turned around, leaving my coat in the process. I got in the car one way or the other and drove out of the street, but further than that I couldn't go. I stopped and parked again, leaning my head against the wheel and screamed and cried, beating up the dashboard until my hands bled even more.

_This isn't really happening…_

_I never thought they'd actually do this…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having an inspired day, and this is what I'm doing with it xD  
> Fluffy fluffy land is gone for good now...


	25. Chapter 25

To say that this has been the hardest week of my life is an understatement.

I've had to say goodbye to everyone I've ever known. Even the ones I never really got along with I had an emotional goodbye with – no matter what, I still grew up with them and now they'd be gone forever. Because in all honesty, the couple hours a week I'm still allowed to spend with my family, I'm going to spend with my own and Pairo's, not with them. I'd held a brave face doing all of this, but I couldn't help feeling a grudge for this entire situation to have escalated this much, and I'd hoped that the next day they would've changed their minds… but there's been no such luck. It was reality, and reality dictated that I used that small amount of anger to keep myself on my feet and not shrivel away.

That didn't mean that I didn't feel hurt and had screamed and cried – all on my own. Chrollo was still away on a mission – even having taken on vacation days – so all I could do was wait it out at my now old home. Because as soon as he's gone for longer than a day, he puts up extra security measures and I can't get in the house on my own. This situation is impossible enough to deal with for me, that I have to do this alone while still having the illusion of having home here hovering over me… it's undoable. I feel like I'm crumbling trying to stay on my feet.

Lianna's relationship with both mom and dad has turned sour fast, and she's been threatening to go along with me. I feel loved because of that, but I don't want to keep turning her down. The more she clings to me now, the more it will hurt for the both of us once I leave for Chrollo. _Please just make it up with mom and dad, you're gonna have a hard enough time anyway once your training starts. You don't want to do that feeling like you can't rely on anyone._

Between me and our parents it's mainly been silence. There's been random bursts of yelling and disbelief, but mostly we're all simply swallowing this sorrow the best we can. They really believe my judgment has been impaired so much that I can no longer see what's best for the family.

Or in their exact words: "You've always thought of family first, but still you broke the most important rule. Why can't you see it yourself?" They don't trust me anymore. It hurts. In the end it comes down to that.

The most frustrating is that I can't even relieve the tension by telling the truth, because my trust in Chrollo is based on instinct.

And of course it doesn't stop there. It's made infinitely worse by the fact that I have yet to say goodbye to Pairo – he's actually gone missing and I know what that could mean. I don't want to think about it. I don't even know what I should focus on to keep going, what situation hurts less. I don't really have a lot of appealing options, do I…

There's been a search party by the family in the first place, the police wasn't called until we were unable to find him within two days. There's still no sign. They have finally become desperate enough to let me search with them, unofficially, but it was hard to focus on the search alone with everything going on. At the very least I was glad I could do something useful, because sitting at "home" wasn't helping anyone.

_Please still be alive, Pairo._

I stopped walking down the small street when my phone rang, hurriedly taking it out of my pocket, hoping it was Pairo,

'It's been a while.' _But it wasn't._ I let out a deep, nervous breath when picking up the call,

 _'I'll be returning tonight. I don't know what your home situation is at the moment, but you're welcome to flee my way if you need to.'_ Although I was glad to hear Chrollo's voice again and back to his normal tone, it didn't exactly bring the relief I was hoping for. _I know_ you _can survive, I need to know Pairo can too,_

'I have no home situation anymore, I'm on my own now.' I looked a bit up at the starless sky,

_'Do you need me to come pick you up?'_

'I won't be coming over tonight, Pairo's missing. You can come by tomorrow morning to help me move, or help me search tonight.' In the short silence before his answer, I took a breath again, letting out the uneasiness so my voice wouldn't shake too much. I can't become emotional now, I need a clear head for this search. I've been holding myself for a couple days now, I just need to hold out a little longer…

 _'I've been on a continuous mission for five days, I don't think I'd be able to help much at this point. But I'll ask around my contacts before going to sleep.'_ I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

'Thank you.' I didn't know what to say anymore after that. Even though I know he'll be discreet in asking his contacts, it still made me uneasy that he was going to do that. But desperate times…

_'Kurapika.'_

'Hm?'

_'Even though it was a mission, I'm sorry I wasn't there when all of this was happening, but you've always been welcome at my house, and I'll give you the security codes tomorrow.'_

'Thank you again. But I have to continue the search.'

 _'Good luck, I'll see you in the morning. Just call me when you've arrived.'_ I hung up after those words, looking back into the world while putting the phone away. It was night, the streets were busy, but nowhere was there someone I could trust to ask for help. I feel like I'm worse off now with trusting than before I met Chrollo. I've had my moments in this past week where I wished the relationship never happened, but that thought hurt just as much. Besides, thoughts like that are moot. I need him in my life now, just to feel this world cares about me even the slightest.

I got called back to this cruel world when someone bumped against my shoulder, and I turned my head, watching him move farther and farther away. It was at this point that I had to admit I didn't know what I was doing anymore, at all. _I don't even know where to look, where am I supposed to go?_ Where are you, Pairo?

For a couple of minutes to follow I stood frozen in my spot, unable to come up with any kind of plan, or other locations where he might be. It's futile going to any kind of location he likes, because he wouldn't run off on his own… _But where am I supposed to look then..? What am I supposed to do…_

It took a while to shake myself out of this futile cycle and just continue on my previous path. But even then I wasn't allowed to. I heard a voice from behind me that made me stop after a single step,

'You won't find him going in that direction.' Instinctively I armed myself to take this intruder out when I didn't recognize the voice, 'Should I show you the way? I don't think you'll ever find him otherwise.' I turned around sharply while he was talking. Next to apparently knowing about the disappearance without being part of the police – who'd been sworn to secrecy – it didn't take a genius to feel this redheaded man was dangerous. _You're someone of Chrollo's caliber, aren't you?_

'And I should trust you, why?' This was undoubtedly the most shady person I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. Fair's fair though, this _is_ what I always thought Assassins would be like. But if he actually is one, then walking away from him would be hard…

'I am one of Chrollo Lucilfer's precious contacts,' I inched away when he raised his hand palm up and casually answered. Left and right the whole crowd was ignoring us, '…he called me just now, and I happen to know exactly where your dear friend has disappeared to. You can confirm my identity in a second. In the meantime, before I take you there, I do believe I need to warn you that there's only about a 30% chance that he's still alive, and I believe he will need immediate medical attention.'

'Just give me your goddamn phone!' He liked it when I wasn't scared off by the threat that was him, and made the demand. _Chrollo has grown up to be an Assassin, what in the hell has made_ you _to be this dangerous?_

'With pleasure.' But while I redialed the number to Chrollo and everything was being confirmed that for this time the man in front of me could be trusted – that this Hisoka knew what the consequences would be if he'd double-cross Chrollo - the anxiety of Pairo's possible death started manifesting into reality instead of staying in nightmares, and this increased chance of it being true was not doing me much good. So I merely nodded at Hisoka to lead the way once the call was over.

'Follow me.'

* * *

_What will I find there?_

_What's happened to him?_

_Has someone leaked the secret again?_

_How will I find him?_

_Will I be able to help him once I do?_

_Is this concerning those mental breakers again?_

_What if Pairo's not alive anymore?_

In the silence on the way further and further to the edge of town, these were the kinds of questions going through me. It was confusing and maddening, and near impossible to keep my sanity.

Sitting next to this Assassin in the car didn't exactly help, no matter Chrollo reassuring me. _I really don't care about coming in contact with your profession, especially with something like this Hisoka._ He stayed quiet all the way to where Pairo was supposed to be, and he seemingly held little interest in me. But, and I don't care if it was paranoia or not, he seemed to be constantly plotting one thing or the other while he was driving and I wanted to get far away from him before it would start involving me too much.

All of that took a backseat for my worry for Pairo though, and I endured his presence.

All the way up to the moment where the wheels of the car stopped spinning and he stepped out of the car without warning, not very quietly slamming the door closed again. I cringed at the sound before apprehensively getting out as well, silently repeating his action. This was all getting too real, it was getting too close… _Only a_ 30% _chance? Please for once, please beat the odds Pairo…_

I stared up at the small abandoned building in the middle of a neglected grass field. There was an eerie silence surrounding it, with only the wind creating off sounds blowing through half-broken windows and the rare holes in the walls here and there. I felt my heart race, trying to gather the courage to go in there before it would be too late, while Hisoka already started doing so. _Why do you know that it's here? What if I can't handle whatever I find in there? What if I fail in saving Pairo?_

'They should be done with him by now, so I don't think a lot of security measures are still in order. Do you still want to check?' He turned his head around to me. It took me a second to respond, and push myself through the fears in favor of saving Pairo if it was still possible.

'I know how to recognize it when I see it, let's just take the most direct path.'

'Are you okay on taking care of him with just that?' He pointed at the small bag with medical tools I'd brought along just in case when I started the search. I narrowed my eyes at him, daring him to make me even more nervous about all of this. His grin grew when he noticed the level of danger rising, but didn't speak up anymore. Instead he started leading the way.

The abandoned building itself was nothing special, and Hisoka had been right about the security measures. It took even him a bit of searching around before we found out where we needed to be, but I don't think anything had prepared me for the moment we reached the room where Pairo was held…

Before either of us had made a sound to alarm him, I turned back out of the room, trying to forcefully turn my stomach back to how it was supposed to be.

_This is the world of Assassins?!_

_Pairo did_ nothing _to deserve this!_

_You goddamn greedy bastards!_

There hasn't been a torture of anyone inside the family since I could remember, and nothing I've been witness of since had taken this cruel form except for that Breaker…

I closed my eyes, and covered my mouth, but Hisoka didn't give me the moment of relief,

'Pairo, was your name, right? I brought someone along for you.' I was violently shocked back to the current situation when I heard that calm voice. I tentatively turned back to look at my best friend, his ankles shackled to the wall, his fingers broken and bleeding from trying to escape, infected gashes all over his body, but most of all…

I had to close my eyes and shake my head again, turning away from it. _This is not a good time to have superior vision…_

He gurgled up some blood when trying to respond, and attempted to sit up. When I saw these weak attempts, all the shaking and nausea disappeared for the second it was needed to close the distance and stop him from hurting himself even more.

'No! It's alright! It's me, Kurapika.'

'Kurapika..?' He brought out with a small voice. I helped him lay down flat to assess his wounds, to see what I could do, trying to hold back the rage and sorrow building up inside of me over someone having done something this painful and disgustingto him… _I can't even imagine how much you must have suffered over these last couple of days, it's killing me…_

'Well, it seems you were lucky.' Hisoka commented before casually leaving the room and I let him be, he didn't matter anymore. I know that technically we were lucky, but it wasn't feeling like it.

'Have they caused internal bleeding? Do I need to get someone here before I move you? Let me call your parents-!'

'Kura, please, stop panicking. It's alright now, I'm still alive.' I couldn't take that meek little voice he was barely able to bring into existence. 'I didn't tell them anything, in the end all they did was take my eyes.' I was trying really hard not to look at those empty, bloody sockets, and started taking the necessary tools out of the bag to try and fix everything else. But I couldn't make myself stop shaking.

'I'll take care of everything, don't worry, my skills have grown a lot.'

'Can I ask you one favor.' It killed me to hear that sentence. Because in this situation it sounded like a plea for death and I wouldn't be able to do that for him. But I still let him continue, 'Could you ask Chrollo to get my eyes back? I don't want them examined and replicated. It only happened today, it should still be alright.' His voice sounded like he wanted to cry, and my hands stopped while feeling over his stomach. _I need someone else with experience here, this is beyond me even with what I've recently learned..._ But besides all that…

'…You know?' Silence fell inside of me,

'I heard them say his name. They told me about him when they noticed my surprise. You knew he was an Assassin?'

'… …' I couldn't answer that. Instead I distracted myself and started cutting away his shirt completely. _I have to do_ some _thing._

'You knew he was, and still you told him this? After all you've done for us, how could you?' His voice got more choked up realizing this,

'What did they tell you about him?' I tried to remain calm, but I could feel a panic attack on the horizon, and I needed somethingto stop it from emerging,

'That he's feared. Not just in this town, in others as well. That he's ruthless, and that if he'd been the one to take care of this, that I wouldn't have gotten off so easily. And I think I believe them, I'm sorry, I got him on the phone a while ago and he scared me. He sounded so different than when he's with you.' _What the hell did you guys talk about then, and why didn't Chrollo tell me he called..?_

'Did they hear about our eyes from him?' He shook his head slightly. _Thank god about that…_

'That was my own fault, I got caught by who I was tracking.' I felt bad about having asked that just to calm myself. I stopped what I was doing, and leaned my head down on his chest, shocking from almost crying, _I can't bear any of this, who am I kidding…_

'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for everything. If I would've talked with you more you would've been less distracted, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…' My voice started to give away while saying those words. 'I'll call someone, I'll let them look at you, I can't do anything right now…' I stopped sitting up when I felt his hand on top of my head. _It's so cold, how much blood have you lost…?_

'Let's talk about this another time. I'm still kind of panicking about my lack of eyes here.' As soon as I heard those words, I called the ones who were supposed to be nearest by, and immediately after called Chrollo again. He was probably sleeping, but I _had_ to do this immediately. It was the least I could still do for my best friend. I lay a hand on his chest, and felt his breathing becoming harder. _Please be here soon._

 _'Your local Assassin, what's the emergency.'_ I grunted at hearing that greeting after the third try to reach him.

'I need to ask a favor of you.'

 _'I heard from Hisoka before you called, he started the search immediately, don't worry. He's almost as effective as I am, and I didn't give him any details.'_ You really never sound sleepy, do you… _'It will be taken care of in no time. Within two days he will have those eyes delivered to me.'_

'Thank you so much.' I finally felt some relief when those words crossed the line. 'I'll let you sleep now, I love you.'

 _'Love you too.'_ There was a penetrating silence after that call. Within a couple of minutes the first ones of my former family should arrive. I had no idea where to start making it up to Pairo, and I really couldn't look at him like this.

_This is the reason that rule exists, Kurapika._

It was the only thing going through me, and I regretted every bit of information I ever shared about my family. It didn't even concern Chrollo, I just regretted everything. Pairo will most probably live, but as soon as someone is caught by an Assassin like Chrollo or Hisoka, survival rate drops from 30% to zero.

'I want to turn back time, Kura.'

'You're not the only one.' I carefully grabbed both of his hands, and held them warm within mine. He wasn't bleeding anywhere at the moment, he was just cold from this place. _I want to stay, I want to stay by your side and nurture you back to health, but I won't be allowed to._

'Did you get exiled?'

'I thought you didn't—'

'Please distract me.' I took a deep, deep breath,

'…I did.'

'Did they know about him being an Assassin?'

'They didn't.' I shook my head, closing my eyes,

'Then they did this because they don't trust you anymore?'

'They know I'm keeping a dangerous secret from them, apparently that was the last straw.'

'So unless I'm admitted to a normal hospital, you won't be able to be there?' _Please don't break down even more, I'm in no position to catch you if you do…_

'Even when you do, I'll only be allowed one day a week at most.'

'That's better than nothing.' _It is…_ 'Kurapika. I know I'm being unreasonable after what I did. But please, please don't go anywhere.' I squeezed his hands a little harder, carefully,

'Don't worry, I'm not-' I stopped when I heard movement, and I stood up to check if it was friend or foe, calling them down as soon as I noticed it were the ones I'd called. But the moment they arrived I was violently pushed aside, even when I wanted to assist to the best of my abilities. My job has been done, and I'm forced to go..? _I can't believe you people! Did I used to be like this as well?_ 'I'll always be there when you need it Pairo, I'm not letting them stop me! I'll get your eyes back for you!' I yelled his way before I was pushed again to get out of the room. I didn't let myself be forced though, and I punched the pusher in his face, making him let go and stagger. 'When I walk out of here, I do so by my own goddamn choice!' My voice skipped before I took a couple of deep breaths and made the decision to go before everything would escalate. _Pairo needs to heal, that's most important right now. But I'm coming after you either way if you're purposely going to keep him away from me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ._.  
>  Well, happy happy fun times are permanently over, aren't they
> 
> And tadaa~  
> The inevitable Hisoka cameo because I'm me. 
> 
> (Yes, it took a while. A lot of shitty stuff happened in my life, but now I'm finally back at a point where I feel like I can write again)


	26. Chapter 26

'…I'm sorry.' I apologized to the tired face of my "local Assassin", when I stood dripping from the rain in front of his door. He gave me a tired smile before letting me in,

'Don't worry, I expected it. But I'm going upstairs again if you don't mind. My mind is not fit to listen to anything.'

'That's okay, I'm dead too.' I walked up immediately after him, throwing my clothes off along the way. He was physically tired, I was emotionally drained. I took out my lenses and didn't hesitate a second when he held the blanket up to crawl under and up against him. I've been alone all week, I really, really needed this more than I thought.

'You're cold.' I heard him mumble after he'd laid his arm over my torso, 'And wet.'

'I could get a separate blanket.' I mumbled, but all he did was pull me a little closer, kissing my forehead.

'It's okay. Think warm thoughts.'

'That's kind of hard right now.'

'It's still okay.' He sounded like he drifted further and further away. He jolted when I lay arm around him as well, but he didn't let it bother him more than that. I wish I could fall asleep so easily now as well, but after all that's happened tonight, I won't be able to… 'I'm not going anywhere.' With my eyes shut tight, I felt tears stream out.

When did I become so dependent?

I mean, I've always lived on the silent support my family gave me…

But everything's changed now.

Now there's just one person left…

* * *

'You're really not allowed near them again?'

'I am officially not a Kurta anymore, for a whole day now.'

'Those are some drastic measures, considering only Pairo knows what I am.'

'It's been a tough year.'

'If it's been a tough year, you should stick together, not exile. Shouldn't you.'

'No, I understand where they're coming from.'

'You're broken. Can I do something to make you feel better?' Once it was eleven in the morning, Chrollo had finally woken up and started up the conversation without warning. I slept about four hours in total, so I wasn't feeling his energy just yet. Even less so when he rolled on top of me, leaning up on his elbows over me.

'You're heavy.' I still folded my arms around his torso under the warm, warm blankets.

'A good kind of heavy, I hope.' He leaned down and kissed me long and softly, I closed my eyes to the touch. 'At least your heartbeat says it is.'

'I'm not really in the mood for sex though.'

'Understandable.' He rolled off me and the bed in one smooth motion, 'I'll run the bath, I think we can both use that today.'

'I don't understand how you're rested so quickly again.'

'Job requirement.' He answered when he left for the bathroom. Yeah, I got to hear about and see that job yesterday. The closer it gets, the harder it is to accept he does stuff like that for money. Assassination is one thing, but torture like what I saw yesterday, and that if it had been Chrollo it would've been worse. I saw how he delivered that Mental Breaker, it wasn't that much worse than how I found Pairo just now. _What kind of atrocities are you capable of?_ 'You're doubting everything, aren't you.'

'Are you going to psychologize me?' I called back to the bathroom, after which I heard him laugh,

'I'm good at what I do. Pairo heard those guys talk about me, right? There's a reason I don't want you near when I'm on the job. I'm not the same person.' He walked back into the room, squatting down in front of me. 'I am very much capable, but after all this time you must know I excel in keeping work and private separated.'

'How do you survive in a world like that.'

'I flip a switch.' He gestured next to his head, 'Also job requirement to not get caught in this world. And you will not become part of it. You're going to finish school, and roll into medicine.'

'Yes mom.'

'Alright, let's go.' Without warning, he picked me up from the bed, the blanket falling off me on the way.

'Hey! What are you-!' I didn't get to finish the sentence when I was gently laid down in the still filling tub, 'What the hell!' I spoke up against him, 'Ever since I started living here half the time, you've gotten worse and worse.' He didn't listen to any of that when he got in the tub as well. 'Come on, no, not right now.' I placed a hand against his face when he leaned back over me. 'I just need someone present, not physical activity.'

'My apologies.' I removed my hand after that apology, but he didn't stop, leaning down to kiss my neck. But I really wouldn't have it right now. Everything inside of me hurt, and surprises like this were far from appreciated,

'Don't make me goddamn kick you!' He did listen after he noticed I was dead serious and not being playful. He distanced himself some more again. I was getting furious, and I noticed he could see it in my eyes. I smacked him across the face with a force. I started hissing through my teeth, 'I don't care how much you missed this in those five days, you will go get me a goddamn towel, and I will deal with losing my family alone if you can't constrain yourself.' He's been getting worse with that since a couple of weeks ago, but this was too goddamn much.

He searched my eyes for a second, seemingly calculating the options before fully noticing the level of anger.

'I'm sorry, did I give you a timeframe?' He gave me a short, hurt look when I yelled at him, but he did stand back up and got out of the tub. I don't like seeing that look with him, but I liked his actions just now even less.

'I'll just use the shower down the hall then, and revise some schoolwork.' He handed me a towel without looking back at me, and left the bathroom with those words.

As I watched him go, I noticed the small wound he'd sustained on his shoulder this time. It's been that rough of a mission?

I shook my head when I noticed I was centering my thoughts around him again. I need to take care of myself right now. I'd hoped to do that _with_ him, but apparently the switch hasn't flipped back completely yet.

In the end I just lay the towel aside, and finished undressing to actually enjoy the warm water around me.

He's been getting more and more possessive, it already started happening weeks ago. I don't know what it is, but apparently we need to talk about it, because I don't want this to happen anymore. Now that he's basically everyone I have, we're going to need a better balance than this.

After the tub was half full, I sat down in it, and turned on the showerhead again. Even saying it in my head that I can barely contact my family anymore, causes this deep, bleeding wound to itch. I rather drowned away the tears for now.

Gritting my teeth, my hair sticking against my face, I curled up and hugged my knees, shaking, even in the warm water. There's too much to take in… I can't take it all at once… I can't instantly heal from all of this.

I need time…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Sometimes I hate myself for putting someone like Kurapika through this.  
>  But it feels so natural to write this...  
> But yeah no, things have turned sour really really fast for Kurapika...


	27. Chapter 27

_You have got to be…_

I exclaimed for the millionth time in my head while we were both standing in the principal's office the next day. I swear to god, this better be about me having a different last name and my parents not having informed the school yet, and _not_ about having relations with the man standing next to me. I closed my eyes and frowned, _I will kill something if you're suddenly going to make that a problem after more than half a year._

'Mr. Lucilfer.' He turned his attention to the man next to me first, 'Were you aware of this change? Have the Kurta's discussed this with you?' _Thank god._ I opened my eyes again and let out a small breath,

'I was gone on a trip while all of this happened, so I only received the call this morning from Kurapika.'

'Why is all of this happening, can you explain?' I took over there, no-one else was going to fabricate this information for me. I took a deep breath to keep a level head while saying it out loud again,

'To be honest, this is a hard subject, and contains a lot of sensitive information I am not comfortable on sharing. All that really needs to be known, is that my last name has changed, and from now on I am to be treated as if I was never a part of the Kurta family. If need be, they can help alter the files leading up to now.' He gave me a long, hard stare. I feel like I'm stabbed every time I have to say it, so he better accept it. 'It will be of no consequence to my performance here either.'

'I don't pretend to understand your… former family, Kurapika, but it's a lot of work to change all that data, and I will contact Mrs. Kurta for someone to assist on that indeed.' I nodded. _If that's all, then please let us go right now._ 'And don't feel offended, but I am granting you more leeway. Because no matter the reason, I am aware of how much your old family means to you, and you'll need the space. Which brings me to the next subject.' I took a deep breath when he turned back to Chrollo, expecting the subject to surface.

'Why is Kurapika's new address the same as yours, Mr. Lucilfer?' _Great._ 'I've heard some disturbing rumors before about the nature of this relationship of yours, you're not going to confirm those, are you?'

'People enjoy gossiping, don't they. I can verify that indeed me and Kurapika get along well, and he's opened up a lot to me. So after losing his family, I granted him a place to stay until he can afford one of his own.' _Thank you._ He gave me a short look back, with a smile. Yesterday had ended better than it had started, but we still needed to discuss his disregard my feelings the last couple of weeks. After a couple of hours alone, he'd come to me on his own though, and wrapped himself around me. By that time I'd been trying to get some work done, but there hadn't been room left to repress the sadness when I'd felt a pair of arms around me. He'd truly apologized then, and given me all his attention for the rest of the day. _Thank you for that._ 'I can guess what they're gossiping, but there's no such thing happening between us.'

'That's good to hear.' We must've been seen at a restaurant or the movies one time or another, but with the both of us good at hiding things, we remained discreet in public. 'Seeing as you've never really been able to fit in with the rest, I can understand why they'd start rumors like this. I'll keep the information about your address between as few people as possible then, to prevent harassment.' He leaned back more casually, 'Good luck on everything, and don't hesitate to ask for free time when you need it.' I smiled and nodded back at him. Spending more time on my own is not going to help me in any way, but I appreciated the gesture. 'You can go now.' Chrollo nodding goodbye as well, we walked out the door, and both silently decided to go to his office first. There needed things to be discussed, and yesterday hadn't exactly been the day for it.

'This really is going to be permanent? It's never happened that they changed their mind?' I shook my head while closing the door behind me. 'Isn't it a greater risk to cut someone from the family where they have no obligation anymore to keep the secret, than to keep a close watch on them?'

'The ones who have a high risk for repeating the mistake are treated differently. They don't trust my judgment anymore, but they do trust I won't say it to anyone else anymore.' Treated differently is an understatement. Those people are basically locked up, 'And it hasn't happened in my lifetime yet, but no, I've never heard of the decision being reversed. So yes, this is permanent.' I sat down in the chair I was used to by now, and turned it his way when he leaned back against the desk. He didn't look displeased hearing the second part, but he subdued it in favor of me. 'I will be allowed ten hours of contact a week with my old family. Which will be spent with Pairo for as long as he's in the hospital.' I'm still grateful dad called to say he helped make that happen for me. They haven't told me their visiting hours, but I hope to bump into them as well.

'This is quite the blow to your life, are you sure you don't want actual psychological help?' He pocketed his hands and crossed his legs,

'You're actually counseling me again?' I laughed a little hearing the words come from him, 'But no, I can't. I can barely talk about my old family, it would be harder on me to go see someone than just deal with it on my own.' I raked my hair back, realizing that a haircut was probably overdue as well. But I was just distracting myself with that.

'Do you need official counseling then? An hour a week where we're not in a relationship and actually talk like I'm your counselor?'

'What is happening to you lately?' He inclined his head in question, and I leaned back some more to look up at him more comfortably. 'Like yesterday, you used to be better in reading the atmosphere, what's going on?' It took a while to answer that. I couldn't exactly read what was going on in his mind, and it made me anxious. It wasn't until I took a breath to start talking again, that he answered,

'I may have become slightly selfish, I apologize. Although I'm good at reading emotions, I'm not actually used to dealing with them.' I closed my eyes and sighed when I heard that response. Although it made sense, I didn't feel like that exclamation was going to change anything. 'I really am sorry, I know this is a hard time for you already. I'm not intentionally making it harder on you.'

'I know you're not.' I frowned trying to think of something to make this easier, but if it's really this, then it'll be a while before it changes, won't it.

'Hey,' I looked up when Chrollo pushed himself away from the desk, and knelt down in front of me, laying his hands in my lap, waiting for me to lay my own on it. '…I love you, and I will put more effort in taking notice of you, not just me. You can count on it.' He lifted our hands, and softly kissed the back of mine. 'It would've been unthinkable to not bump into any kind of trouble, knowing where we come from.' He smiled back up at me, laying our hands back down. I actually can't take it, I can't take anything right now. I was holding it back in favor of being able to get through class, and this time Chrollo did take notice of it again. He stood back up and cupped my face, kissing my forehead. 'I will always be here, even when there's no-one else left to fall back on.'

'Thank you.' I lay a hand on the side of his face a second, before he pulled away completely.

'I won't take a job for a while, so we can do whatever we want.'

'For now nothing special please, I don't want any more surprises.'

'Alright, then I won't spend all this new money on you.' I huffed when I heard him say that while walking back to sit behind his desk. I know it was meant as a joke, but after seeing the results on Pairo and the Breaker he delivered to us, I seem to have become unable to listen to him about his job. I know it's unfair, because at the start it was a relief for the both of us to be able to talk about it, I can't forbid him to. Especially not because I'm already imposing.

I started rubbing my face, hanging my head.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. All my life I was sure how everything was going to go, and now none of that is alive anymore. I can't even blame Chrollo for pushing me to show my eyes, because in the end it'd been my own choice to do so.

_Maybe I need to ask for that leeway right now._

No. I'd just fall into a pit of emptiness, I need to keep doing something, no matter how hard it seems. When I go home with Chrollo, I'll have the entire evening to break down. That's more than enough.

Said man didn't react to any of this by the way, he let me be for a moment. I looked back up at him after a couple of minutes of silence, he'd just been silently looking at me. I gave him a tired smile before standing up,

'Who'll take care of dinner tonight?'

'Don't worry about that, this week will be on me.' I gave an appreciative nod. I don't know what's going on in his head when he's looking at me, but at least after all this time I know that he indeed won't go anywhere.

That small feeling of relief and assurance made me walk around the desk to give him a short kiss goodbye before walking to class. I won't know what I'd do if I'd lose him as well.

All I'd have left would be ten hours a week with my former family, and living all alone. I don't know if I'd have the energy anymore to trust anyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's not strange things are getting bumpy on cloud 9, is it.  
> With Kurapika all burned out, he sees things more clearly, but can resist them less.  
> And I don't think there's a whole lot of manipulating left from Chrollo's side, that he's just playing it out as long as it's benificial or fun for him


	28. Chapter 28

_'How's married life?'_

_'Don't joke about that Pairo, how are you doing?'_

_'They're flying in someone who'll be able to properly attach my eyes again. Seeing as they've been so properly preserved, it shouldn't be a problem, they said.'_

_'That's good to hear.'_

_'How are you holding up, really?'_

_'You're the one in the hospital and you're asking me this? I must sound really pathetic.'_

_'I'm only missing eyes, and I'm getting those back; you're missing us, and we're not returning...'_

_'Please don't get too emotional over that, I can't really take that.'_

_'Well, I don't wanna take it either! I want you here.'_

_'This conversation's a dead end, Pairo, we both know where it'll end up and I don't want another fight.'_

_'Oy, don't start crying yourself, we're already a sad enough pair as is.'_

_'Well, you got a point there... But to tell the truth about how it's been going – and please don't be happy about what I'm going to say – but…'_

* * *

Three weeks later, and Pairo had been released from the hospital. From now on, I will only see him at school, and our time together is still limited. At least his eyes are healing well. They will probably even reach their former qualities again with the help of the family.

Three weeks later, and I'd been able to see my family again at the hospital, talking with them a little, but it had mainly been awkward, and Lianna had more trouble than the rest in keeping that to herself. I'm not even allowed to send her a present for her birthday...

Three weeks later, and everything hurt inside of me with the realization sinking in that my old life really is not coming back. The first seventeen years of my life are gone for good.

Three weeks later, and Chrollo has only gotten worse. I'm starting to worry if this will end well for the two of us with this amount of pressure riding on us from this situation.

I am probably expecting too much to fall into place in too short a time-span. But with how much I'm dealing with at the same time, you can't blame me for wishing for it either way – to at least have _something_ positive happening.

Today I'd opted not to step away from the kitchen table after breakfast. I'd laid my head on my arms and not moved from my spot. Chrollo had taken another job for which he'd be away for three days, approximately. At the moment he told me the news I'd wanted to be acceptant, but he'd already walked away after having seen the first and honest reaction to it in my expression.

_I'm sorry._

I'm having a hard time being supportive of it, especially because according to him he has enough money to survive comfortably for about ten to fifteen years to come. Even with me here.

I turned my head to the side after a couple of minutes, looking at the man leisurely having taken a seat on the couch with a book in his hand. That's about all he does in his free time, by the way, reading. I can at least appreciate that much.

'Have you cooled down again?' He spoke up, having noticed my attention,

'Excuse you, cooled down?' I straightened my back again. 'I'm sorry that I'm having difficulties with this after having seen my best friend like that.'

'What did you think I was doing if not that? Or did you conveniently choose not to think about that?' He closed his book, but didn't look back at me.

'I underestimated it slightly.'

'That's not true, is it.' I knew I was lying to myself, I hadn't had this much trouble with it when he'd delivered that Breaker to us… He lay the book down on his lap, 'From the start you have taken all the advantages of being able to talk about our professions for yourself. Talking about your family, being taught security and many other things.'

'That's not exactly fair of you to say after telling me you didn't see it as a chore because you love me.'

'No, I don't see that as a chore, but I haven't exactly been able to freely talk about my own life, have I.' He finally turned his head my way when I shoved the chair back.

'I'm dealing with more than just that, I'll work on this as soon as I can.'

'Considering that the most important thing at this point is that you're afraid of losing everyone, don't you believe that working on this relationship is fairly important?' I had to hold back when shoving the chair back under the table,

'This coming from the man who nearly raped me a couple of days ago?!' We'd barely talked since then because honestly the look in his eyes had scared me. He knows he's physically stronger, and if he'd so pleased he could've done it. Luckily he'd stopped before either of our clothes had come off, but it had _not_ exactly been the highlight of my day. He stood up from the couch after carefully laying the book aside. _You hadn't exactly been that careful back then…_

'If it bothers you that I'm doing that, we can sleep apart for a couple more days, and maybe it'll cool me down. But I would appreciate it if you'd stop making a disgusted face every time I so much as bring up my job. I don't feel anything about it because I was raised not to, not because I'm incapable of feeling, and I don't kill indiscriminately. You should know all of this, and I don't like it when you look at me like I don't feel anything when I do love you.' I slowly took a couple of steps closer.

'Fine, I'll do my best on that. In the meantime there's no need to sleep apart any longer unless you feel like you can't restrain yourself when we do.'

'Just a couple more days then.' He took the last couple of steps my way, and I crossed my arms when he leaned in and slid his hand to the back of my neck, kissing my forehead and pressing me a little closer. This is how it goes between us. Although civil compromises, I never really feel like anything gets resolved. That stress is building up inside of me. 'Our issues are workable. In a couple of weeks, when the new situation is settling a bit more, things will calm down considerably.' I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. He was most probably right. I was annoyed that he once again was though.

I know I've been demanding lately and that it's not exactly helping his issue of wanting attention, but right now I feel like I have too much of a reason to be this way. Until that settles, our day to day life will be rocky.

'Is there anything you need right now?' I spoke up softly against his chest, unfolding my arms.

'The mission I've taken on will start by the end of next week. It's a simple hit and delivery. I will be taking him out by…' He was testing our compromise already… He continued talking about it like that for a minute or two. At first I became more rigid, realizing what he was telling me, but after a while I took a very deep breath and lay my hands on his waist, listening to all of it to the best of my ability. Someday I'll have to accept he does stuff like this. Not because he likes it, but because it's convenient and he's good at it. I'm just glad that I've long since stepped away from the plan to follow him into this. I'm just going to medical school once I'm allowed to, and I'll take it from there. I don't know, maybe it's easier to accept if I can ever pay Chrollo to take out enemies of our family…

That's a very big if, by the way. His prices are high, and I'm not sure he'll do it for free anymore.

I frowned when I noticed the thoughts going through me, but dismissed them quickly.

When after a while I was able to ask a question about everything he was saying, he stopped talking and started feeling more relaxed. Someday I'll be able to listen to this without stiffening up, but that will just take time. Meanwhile, I'm glad that I at least have someone to argue with about all of these important matters…

'You're not continuing?' I asked after a short silence. _I don't think I can take much more though._ But all I got in return was a kiss just above my ear and a soft whisper.

'Thank you for making the effort, I'll make mine as well.' We lingered in that moment for a while. I hadn't felt something warm like that for a while now, and it made my heart flutter and grasp onto it tightly. _Why can't it just be like this all the time._ I felt that unrealistic feeling pass through me, and was unable to stop it. The need for it rose in this silent moment. So when he pulled away again I decided to just kiss his lips instead. I wanted all of this pain and anxiety to go away, to get that warm feeling back permanently, and right now this was the only thing I could think of.

So when I pulled away again and looked him straight in the eyes for the first time since those couple of days ago, I decided to distract myself from the pain some more and pulled him down into a more intense kiss, inclining my head. He gasped into the action, but didn't waste the time in letting his hands find their way to my hips in a tight grip, and pulling me closer.

As soon as I started licking his lips though, he pulled away just enough to give the warning,

'I'm not going to stop if we start this.'

'Shut up and take your shirt off.' He huffed amusedly when he heard the command before complying, and I pushed him back over the couch again. He was barely able to save himself from falling on top of the book before I took my shirt off as well, and crawled over him.

_I can't believe I'm actually using something like this as a distraction._

That thought came and went when Chrollo pulled me further over him, and I lowered my body over his, moaning into the kiss.

I felt his hands glide over my chest, and finding their way back over my ass, pressing me down against him. He shuffled back some more so he had a better balance, and I stayed in the same place, licking my way down to one of his nipples. His back arched into the feeling, his hands clawing into me some more when I softly bit on it. When I heard the moan escape his lips that time, he decided this wasn't going to last very long.

I had to break contact to let the pleasure be heard when he rubbed his hand over my groin, noticing that I wanted this distraction more than I thought. _After those couple of days ago, I didn't think I actually wanted it so much._

'Let me help you with that.' I leant my hands next to him while giving him the room to open my pants. I leaned up some more to slide it off my ass far enough for him to reach inside. Once I felt that warm hand around me, I had to lean down on my elbows, burying my face in the crook of his neck. I breathed heavily against his warm skin when instead of teasing me, this time he started moving around me immediately. He ushered me further over him with his other hand on my ass, and he let me wet his fingers with my tongue before finding my entrance. I shuffled a bit more over him, moving my hips into the touch, and exposing my neck to his lips. _This is really not going to last very long if I'm already being prepared…_

'I really have corrupted you, haven't I.' When I wanted to complain about those words, his fingers found their way inside of me, and I halted in my movements, biting in his hair just below me to be able to take it.

'Deeper…' I demanded through my gritted teeth, but he didn't listen. He took his fingers out again straight away, and the hand around my dick disappeared as well so he could open his own pants. I grunted at the lack of pleasure for me, but I didn't stay stuck in that feeling, I slid down over him again, pulling his pants down before he had the chance to do that himself, letting my tongue do the work to get him hard enough to enter me. I barely heard the excited sounds leaving him while I was working on getting this done – honestly, I didn't really care about if it was pleasurable for him, I just wanted to feel something else than pain.

I heard him softly laugh in between moans while I lowered my mouth around him completely, feeling a hand finding its way into my hair when I trailed my tongue along his length and flicked back and forth just below the tip. The slight shudders in his breath told me he appreciated this a lot, and the grip in my hair slowly started getting more restless when I repeated the motion time and time again, wetting him with my saliva. _You're easy as well tonight._

I licked my lips clean looking down at his hardened dick before panning my eyes back up to his, a bit of an exhausted look in his face from a tempo we never really upheld.

I shuffled back up, rubbing myself along him some more, his hands sliding to my waist, and grabbing a firm hold of the flesh. He lifted his head at that point, softly biting my lip to pull me down into a heated, agitated kiss while I tried to keep up the pleasurable movements, getting out of breath very quickly.

Realizing there wasn't any lube down here, I broke the kiss a second to lick my own fingers and wetted myself a bit more. Breathing out hard against him when I entered myself. He pulled on my lips while I stretched and moved inside of myself, but I was unable to keep a coherent kiss. He liked the game of forcing me to try anyway though.

'You really are eager for this.'

'Shut up.' I stepped off the couch to pull my pants off completely after those words. _It's not gonna get better than this._ Meanwhile he propped himself up against the armrest, eagerly waiting until I was ready, watching me intently.

I raked my hair back when I saw that intense look in his eyes that I barely recognized, but to be fair, I barely recognized what I was doing either.

I chose not to dwell on it though, and threw my leg over him. He helped me place myself, pulling me against his tip. I set my hands flat on his stomach before I started lowering myself, cringing a bit at the dryness, but it wasn't unpleasant and I groaned all the way down. Chrollo did have to remove my nails from his skin though. I looked down at that heavily heaving chest and half-lidded eyes, feeling his fingertips slide back up my leg to my waist. His other hand slid back around my dick, and I twitched around him when I felt his fingers trail a pleasurable way around me. _It's been a while since I rode him like this._ Usually he sits up completely so we can be closer, but today this was as close as we were gonna get…

I lifted and lowered myself slowly on top of him to forget about that, and both of us became louder feeling this. I angled myself a bit better, but I didn't take a lot of time doing this – I wanted to be lost in something pleasant.

So I quickly took up the pace, Chrollo's other hand relocating to my waist as well, dictating the tempo. He pulsed hard inside of me, and it was making it hard for me to keep it all up with pleasure getting so close so fast.

I threw my head back when in a slow moment he forced me to pick it up again. I straightened my back some more, raising my hands to pull my hair back again, and took some deliberate slow movements, looking down at him in a taunt. He seemed to like that though. I let out a huff when I saw that look in his eyes and leant my hands back on his stomach when I decided to finish this and take up a faster tempo than before. His head snapped back when I did, and the grip on my waist tightened, but he let me do what I wanted. I clawed back into his skin when I felt that I was going to cum first, and when he noticed this with me, he lay the hand back around me, and allowed it when I stopped moving to enjoy this feeling. My shoulders tensed up completely when pleasure was the only thing I still felt, and I came all over his chest. I heaved heavily having been released like that, but still slid my hands up to his nipples, taking extra care that he would be taken over the edge as well.

I squeezed myself around him, and it didn't take long before I felt him twitch and squirt out inside of me. I dutifully rode it all out on top of him, but honestly I felt exhausted – unfortunately not in a good way.

I bit my lip and stopped moving when pleasure slowly passed and reality started kicking back in.

_We never have sex like this._

_We take the time, we're intimate… not even when we're both incredibly hot do we do it as impersonal as this._

And now that the distraction was over…

_This had been a really bad idea._

It… had been one of the most empty experiences in my life. It had served its purpose as a distraction very poorly. I refused to stand up from Chrollo though. I leaned down, laying my head next to his, hitting the backrest next to me with a trembling fist before I lost all strength and gently slid it up in his hair. _Something is missing. Something's not there._

_Is it him?_

_Is it me?_

_Is it us?_

I don't know, and it hurts. It either hurts because I don't know, or it hurts because I know but don't want to know. All of this was bothering me at once, and I did my best not to let it get to me too much. It took a good while of silence and not changing position before Chrollo decided words were needed at this point.

'I think that with everything you're experiencing, for someone like you to fear ending up all alone, I can safely say that it's alright to cry.' He raised his hand into my hair and turned his head slightly to kiss me. 'We'll get through this.' _We have to…_ maybe that was the problem. That right now I don't have the feeling I could start over again if things would end with the Assassin beneath me. I don't exactly know how to bypass that feeling, what to tell myself in comfort.

'I'll just have to live with it, don't I.' I muttered back. There's too much doubt surrounding one of my biggest fears, there's nothing really that can be done about that, can there.

_But I want there to be…_

'Sometimes that's all that can be done, no matter how frustrating.' The soft touch on my head wasn't helping me in containing everything, but since when have I worried about doing that with Chrollo? Since when did that actually matter?

So I slowly but surely allowed myself to actually feel the pain, and smothered small cries against the skin of his shoulder. When he noticed I started doing this, he sat us up, allowing for the both of us to hold on to something. I felt him gripping tightly around me.

This was the first time I allowed the whole of the pain, and it scared me how much there actually was…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ._.  
>  (Come here babe, let me hold you)  
> Chrollo seems to be losing his pleasure in playing around, that's not a good sign for Kurapika.


	29. Chapter 29

**The smile when you tore me apart**

_(For those of you wanting to stay in fluffland (or what's left of it), I suggest you turn back here)_

After everything we'd went through last week, I'd hoped to have a little peace by now. But I couldn't have been further from the truth. We'd slept in the same bed again the entire week, and there'd been no more unwanted advances. We'd had a nice day going out today, and were currently walking back to the car from eating out. There'd been tough moments, but nothing as hard as last week again. It'd given me some hope that maybe things could work out.

It had been peaceful. The complete opposite from the weeks before this. We hadn't talked a lot, but I hadn't felt like there'd been a need to. There's little to be said about what I'm feeling right now. It's quite clear what the base of the problem is, and the rest will simply have to become clear over time. I won't find out now, I won't find out tomorrow, but I'll have to trust it will be resolved someday.

Turning my mind off to reach this conclusion had taken me weeks though. And I guess that after all the stress leading up to that, both of us appreciated a bit of peace.

I'm spending the majority of my ten hours a week with Lianna and Pairo, I can't leave either of them alone. Next to them meaning the most to me, I feel responsibility for them. Lianna is about to start her training, and Pairo's just been having it rough for too long. I'm just glad that he still has his sight after what happened to him. Because of these happenings he's been pulled away from tracking duties completely though. He'll be focusing on medicine. Of course he's not allowed to share anything with me, but I'm glad that he broke the rule a bit anyway by telling me they reassigned him.

Lianna is being a bit more difficult than Pairo, by the way. She keeps defying the rules a little less subtly, wanting to tell me everything, getting angry at everyone, and I spend most of my time convincing her not to hate our parents.

Speaking of which…

My dad… he has difficulties looking me in the eye. Although we've spoken the words, that we both understand the situation and that it's hard but we'll get through it… it doesn't instantly take away the pain and guilt. I hope that before long we'll be able to get along again. Because although mom has always been the pillar I'd leaned on, dad has been the base that kept us together. He's been an important presence throughout my life. Mom herself is keeping up a strong front for now, so I hope in due time I'll be able to see the real her again.

Considering the amount of time I'm allowed to spend with them, all of this is going to take a while.

I let out a deep sigh realizing this,

'Let's take a different route.' Chrollo broke the silence when he noticed the change in my mood, and pulled on my arm a little. I complied, but had difficulties placing the emotionless tone with which he'd said it. I'm still coming down to earth a bit. He's been more distant the past week, but not completely absent like I thought I just heard.

'Want to take a walk before we go back?' We stopped in a small, abandoned street before he looked back at me. The look in his eyes had changed too. _I guess the peace couldn't have lasted for more than a week, could it._

I sighed again when I thought that, before he cupped my face to kiss me. _Wait, we're not gonna… right here…?!_ I pulled away when it crossed my mind, and tried to search his eyes for confirmation or denial. But I could find neither. Given, this past week had been more about my family than him, but this was an unknown distance for me, and it scared me a little.

'If you feel like doing that, let's just wait 'till we're home. I'm not exactly an exhibitionist.' He let his hands slide down to my waist, taking a little more distance. _What is going on in your mind right now?_ I tried searching for it while listening to his response. Even this small thing was making me a bit anxious, I could take very little extra stress right now.

'It's probably going to take a while before you trust I won't do anything unwanted again, isn't it.' I gave a light nod in confirmation. I didn't want to say it out loud, but I'm not completely trusting him yet with that. Considering everything that's been happening, I really want to though. I just want to be able to let myself fall in his arms without having to worry about anything. 'It's also going to take a while before we're actually getting married, isn't it.' _Well that was one hell of a subject change._ I blinked up at him that he even brought the subject up at this point.

'Marriage isn't exactly the first thing on my mind, no. We can set a date another time, what's going on?' After that question, the comfortable silence suddenly changed into an uncomfortable, menacing one. _What are you planning to do? What have been_ your _conclusions in this quiet, peaceful week?_ Perhaps it would've been better if we'd talked some more after all, I have no idea what he's thinking…

'It doesn't matter,' His cold tone cut through the silence sharply. '…we have all the time together. But everything's going to take a while, isn't it.'

'I've lost my old life completely, so that's a given. What are you getting at.' He let go of me when I stepped a small step away from him. _You're constantly saying we're going to stay together, then why are you giving me the feeling you're leaving? Don't do that to me, I can't take that on top of everything else._

'Mah, I'm getting a little bored by now, I think it's about time I move on to the next item on my agenda, don't you think?'

'Excuse you..?!' I reacted insulted, but truth was that I was scared out of my wits from the sudden change in his expression and entire attitude. _Who are you? What are you actually saying?_

'I thought that maybe over time you'd just tell me yourself, but you were very meticulous in not giving information about the criminals you're harboring. Not even after proposing to you have you said anything. This was fun while it lasted, but I think I'm going to go back to my primary objective.'

'No…' I took another step back, and heard every warning ever given to me flash by. But still my mind rejected it. _This isn't true, we just need to work through some stuff, that's all._ _Stop lying, this isn't funny,_

'Yes. I only approached you because you seemed like the best way to gain information about Yellmi. I thought maybe it would be less of a hassle to cover up to just ask for the information instead of killing my way through your family. My apologies for getting impatient and already starting that while we were still together, by the way.'

'You can't be…' My voice was barely audible and trembled in fear. _No… no no no…!_ You _were the one to… stop lying, please stop lying to me… I'm not a victim of yours, you proposed to me…_ My face didn't know anymore what kind of expression to make in all of this confusion.

'Oh I _am_ serious.' The smile he gave me after saying those words, chilled me to my bones. _This is how you are as an Assassin, aren't you, why are you showing me this side, is this some kind of test..?_ 'I just ended up liking your special abilities more than I thought, I got distracted for a while. But seeing as there's nothing else to gain anymore from acting like I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I think I'm going to go back to hunting Yellmi.' _This can't be anything else but a cruel, poorly timed test, right..?_ Why am I having so much trouble convincing myself of that? 'If you don't tell me where she is, then I'll just go through the rest of your family until someone gives me information. You've seen the results of my torture without killing, haven't you? I wonder how long your little sister would hold out.'

'Don't you fucking-' I couldn't even finish my sentence. He's either exploiting my vulnerability now for some kind of twisted reason beyond my comprehension, or he's been exploiting me all this time before. But honestly, that last line of thought was too much to actually fathom. _You are_ not _going to leave me all alone, you are_ not _going to lay one goddamn finger on my family either…_

Anger was starting to prevail, and I balled my fists, but I was still shaking from fear from head to toe, and… I didn't know what else to make from it, his expression told me he was enjoying that… All kinds of pain were manifesting itself, and hopelessness was starting to take over.

_He's serious…?_

_Please no…_

_Not after this long, that's impossible..._

'Ah… but they've all seen me around you, haven't they, I need to kill them anyway. I think Illumi will like experimenting on you all. Oh, I haven't told you about him yet, have I? I'm hunting Yellmi for him, he's the most efficient and intelligent Mental Breaker there is. He'll know the secret of your eyes in no time at all. Especially with the amount of subjects I'll send to him.' _I felt like throwing up…_ You staged everything? The information accompanying that supposed killer of our family members, every bit of compassion and advice… _It wasn't a lie, was it..? That would be too cruel, the world isn't_ this _cruel…_ 'Let's see, if I take care of everyone by then, then I won't have to go through the trouble of killing uninteresting people at school. I think I'm going to keep you alive though.'

'You're gonna slaughter my family, and you think I'm just gonna sit here and watch?!' I was somehow able to shakily yell at him. No matter if he was lying or not, I wasn't going to let him threaten my family. _I need to get help, I need to…_

When I realized that with someone like him, that was completely futile either way, he saw. His smile grew eerily wide. _How could you have been faking everything up until now?! How can you do something like that?! You goddamn heartless monster! This is_ not _who you are!_

I wanted to convince my body he was an enemy, but it was unable to let go of months and months of conditioning to loving him and only him. He'd been counting on it that that would happen….

_You calculated everything…?! No..!_

'I think you won't be able to move a muscle. Innocent Kurapika Kurta, in such a need to have contact with anyone, that he becomes lovers with an Assassin, disregarding all the dangers because of a simple play I put up. Honestly, I didn't even have to make all that much effort to convince you.' Hearing the amusement over my pain, something momentarily snapped inside of me. No matter when or how, something like that was unacceptable from anyone. So I extended my fist to hit him, but of course not in my current state – not even in my normal state – was I able to hit him when he didn't want it to happen. He grabbed both my wrists with a single hand in a short struggle to constrain me with ease. No matter how much I tried to break free, he wasn't letting go of me. My eyes went wide when I noticed the obsessiveness in his entire expression looking up at him. _He's been obsessive all this time, not possessive… he's obsessed with my eyes, nothing more…_

Something died inside of me when that realization started dawning on me the longer I looked at those cold eyes. Thinking back on so many signs I'd gotten from him before… all the signs that I chose to ignore just to live in this bubble he created for us.

_I'm an idiot._

_I am such an idiot!_

_I can't let this idiocy mean the end of my entire family…_

I backed my head away in fear when he reached his hand out to one of my eyes, but he simply pulled me closer and carefully plucked my lens out. _You're not the same person, turn back to how you were before…_

'Your beautiful, blood-red eyes, with the sharpest vision any human will ever have… they do shine more brightly when you're emotional. Tears work miracles on them.' _You goddamn bastard, what did I do to deserve this, what did Pairo do to deserve this… or any of the others that you killed… why are we just eyes to people like you…_ I was trying to push away the helplessness that was starting to surface… 'I _would_ like to keep one pair alive.' _You really are killing everyone?!_ My heart stopped for a second, 'You showed and told me everything so willingly. You really loved me, didn't you, ready to spend the rest of your life with me. I could see you give your everything to me, believing I cared and loved just as much. I'm quite incapable of something like that though, thought you should know.' There was no amount of hate in the entire world that could describe my feelings in this situation.

'Well, I _do_ care about you, I have to admit. I mean, I would like to have you around after all of this is done, but that's probably going to take you a couple of years, isn't it. You first have to notice that you can't trust or love anyone anymore. You're welcome to return to me anytime, I'd love to have you as an accomplice. You can understand that in my profession someone with medical skills is highly appreciated. I mean, Illumi knows a great deal, but nothing beats a pure healer such as yourself.' I was shaking with disbelief, rage and a petrifying sadness. _Return to you?! I'm going to fucking murder you!_ Why am I so unable to speak up, I want to yell all of this out but my chest is tightened so much that even just breathing is hard… _Yell, Goddamnit! Make sound!_

'Are you satisfied now? Do I need to tell more?' _You bastard, you know my voice is giving out!_ 'Which moments are going through your head right now? How you were so foolish to let me in, in more ways than one, how you disbelieved your family and chose me over them, how you haven't and will never make amends with them for that?' _Stop saying I'm never going to see them again!_ 'How you disregarded all of Pairo's warnings that you were getting in too deep too quickly. Are you thinking about the things you liked to do with me? About all the times you let me touch you, of how much you liked it when I played submissive, of waking up with me, of that time when you thought I showed that I loved someone for the very first time. I timed that right, didn't I? You were having doubts about everything, but when I was gone for a couple of days you panicked about losing me so much that you couldn't think of anything else anymore. I've never seen you more vulnerable than back then. Well, apart from right now of course.' I started trembling again while he just casually pocketed his free hand. _All of it… all of that was going through me, and my body was unable to let it go completely… I had a good life for so long… Why does it have to be a lie… why have I given everything up for a lie..?_

'Or are you thinking about saving your family? You must feel like nothing else matters right now, but your mind must tell you that you stand no chance. It's so complicated and conflicting to have emotions, isn't it. I think it's unfathomable for you now to think that come the morning light you won't have anyone left, isn't it. Oh well, you will notice in due time. Are you ready now to tell me of Yellmi's location? Do I need to continue? Or do I need to break you now.' I looked back up at him, at that face that I loved to kiss and hold close for more than half a year. The face I've woken up with so many times before. The face that lightened my mood when I'd come home…

This is the same face, but it's not…

What's going on…

No!

I don't care, I don't care if I don't stand a chance, you will _not_ get anywhere near my family, you will _not_ get anything you want! Never have you been more important than the survival of my family! I hissed my answer through my teeth.

'I would maim and kill her before telling you that! And I'll be sure to do the same to Illumi!' The mood changed instantly and drastically. His grin dropped completely, and his eyes turned to a level of danger I couldn't deal with on top of everything. They'd been filled with mirth before, right now all that was inside of them was death. Pure death. With the intent to kill at this level, all the hope for my own survival disappeared. _I didn't want to understand why you're feared…_ The grip on my wrists increased to the point where they almost broke, and I winced,

'Ah, you shouldn't have said that.' He breathed out, looking up a little, 'Getting rid of Yellmi for Illumi is more important to me than you are. I'm trying real hard not to kill you on the spot because you're the only one of your family who will come crawling back to me, just so you know.' I wanted to say that that was bullshit, but if I'm really going to lose everyone right now… I can't wholeheartedly say I'd stay away, and the guilt inside of me increased. I froze when he turned his lifeless eyes back to me,

'I will try to just leave you unconscious, my apologies if you bleed out before help arrives.' After those words, I felt a swift, cold slice being made across my abdomen up to my chest, shocking my eyes wide open. _I had barely seen him move…_ My hands were released immediately after, and Chrollo both pushed and caught me going to the ground, laying me down on my back. 'Don't worry, you won't notice anything of their pain, they will merely be gone. You can have them back once Illumi is done with them. I can't guarantee in what state, but I'll make sure you'll be able to find them, Mr. genius student.' _I have to try, I have to get up, this isn't happening…_ 'Aah, this is no good. I can't seem to stop wanting to end you, but that would be such a waste. This is why I don't like going into this instinct, it's hard to stop myself.' He brought his knife to just below my lid, slicing lightly along it, 'Maybe just one more wound would be-' He disappeared before he finished the sentence, and I saw a vague silhouette flash by. I raised a hand to my abdomen, meekly trying to stop the bleeding. It was all that I could do…

I noticed the silhouette turn back around to me – Chrollo was probably long gone – and it walked back to my side, kneeling down, helping in keeping the blood inside for as far as they could. The last thing I noticed was the silhouette calling someone. Probably an ambulance. But I'd already lost too much blood, and consciousness slipped away completely. _This isn't happening, I will wake up in a second, and this will all have been a dream. My worst nightmare isn't coming true…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahaha... yeah...  
> (Within Temptation - Angels)  
> This having been written from Kurapika's perspective, it came out of the blue xD   
> Although of course there have been clear indicators for him (you're dating a fucking assassin for god's sake), Chrollo focused so much on his timing that Kurapika had way too little doubts.   
> For inspiration I tried to imagine how it would be if the one I loved would do this, and if my dad would suddenly pull this, I don't think I would be able to comprehend it. I think I would keep denying that it was happening. That at that point reality would be too hard on my mind. Given though, whether he'd mean it or not, I would still attack him for pulling a stunt like that.


	30. With my eyes wide open

'Took you a while this time.' I commented when Chrollo had found his way to our hiding place after having been chased off.

'Well it _was_ fun, Hisoka.' I think this was the first time it lasted longer than half a year, so I do believe he indeed had fun. 'Thank you for helping me out.'

'Don't mention it.' Honestly speaking, if I really still was a fulltime assassin and Chrollo hadn't reached them first, I'd have gone after that family myself. With a little less subtlety though. 'So are we going to take care of those Kurta's now, or would you like to pursue Yellmi first.' He walked over to the slight elevation at the end of the room where I was sitting, and stopped in front of me, looking me dead in the eye.

'Considering the one who saved Kurapika, it will be better to capture them now before a safety network has been set up more tightly than we can handle. We can leave them for Illumi, and in the meantime we'll look for Yellmi for him.' With his eyes he demanded I move aside so he could sit down as well, so I scooched over a bit.

'It has been rather rare to see you get obsessed over something else than Illumi for so long.'

'I was not obsessed, I was playing around.'

'You were obsessed.' He turned his eyes my way again,

'And what makes you say that, number two psychologist.' He threw my way in means of insult. He doesn't like being called obsessed, the mock in every word of that sentence made it perfectly clear. But let's leave my current primary job out of this for now,

'Because there is no other reason for you to stop talking about Illumi. Most certainly not if you were just playing around. You had a lot of fun with Kurapika, didn't you. I like this way of yours of experimenting on the human mind.' Although he still didn't like being called out on it, he responded calmly,

'There were not many new things to learn from him though. I thought there would be a bigger difference with someone who walks the edge between a normal life and ours. From a certain point I just tried to push it as far as I could.'

'Like torturing his best friend when you were in disguise.'

'Thank you for kidnapping him for me back then.' I gave an appreciative nod back. After Chrollo had pulled that stunt, Kurapika had become unable to trust anything at this side of the line. But not even with that diminished trust did he leave Chrollo's side. That poor little blonde had been absolutely destroyed at the mere thought of going through life alone.

To be honest, he was destined to go that path as soon as Chrollo had laid his interest with him – there had been no escape from the start, it's just more painful now. He will never reach the joy and fun he had before this anymore. Not even all the wisdoms and counseling and good fun he will experience in the future will bring that back.

I took out a deck of cards and started playing with it a little while I enjoyed these thoughts. _There's a reason I've kept you away from the ones after you, and this is a prime example._

'So are we going to grab hold of this family together, or will you do that on your own?'

'Together. They're amateurs, but it won't help if they get alarmed and have the time to respond – not with your employers circling us as well.'

'Or I could take care of it myself because no-one is looking for me, and you go chase this information I've acquired from the one in the corner there.' I stopped shuffling the cards to hand him the one with information on it, pointing it at the corpse in the corner. By all means, if he wasn't back to focusing on Illumi again, he would've protested the fact that I'd already killed a Kurta, alerting authorities, but all he had eyes for was the card.

He took it before I'd even finished the sentence, glancing it over. _There's quite a difference between you and Illumi, I think I like it a bit too much._

'This is not a lie? Because this is an exact address.' He lifted the card again for me to take back without giving me a second look.

'Well it's always a gamble when you torture, isn't it.' I hopped off the elevation, putting away the cards, and walked over to the corpse. 'But I do believe he gave the right information, he was quite convinced he'd be let go if he was cooperative. Plus, there's a bunch of other addresses he gave me before that.' I grabbed his hair and wanted to lift him whole for Chrollo to see, but the slice in the neck finally ripped through, and I was left just holding his head. I'd been wondering when that would happen. Chrollo huffed when he saw that scene.

'What I believe is that for some reason you like me enough to not let me get captured, so I'll check out the address.' I threw him the card with the other addresses either way, and he pocketed it before stepping down as well. I let go of the head, letting it fall down onto the corpse's lap, but still rolling off onto the floor, ending up on the side facing away.

 _Hmph,_ facing _away…_

'How long do you believe the Kurta will be out either way?'

'It's mostly emotional shock, I think he'll be back to bother me in a week or so. But capturing his family shouldn't take longer than a day.'

'Illumi will be quite pleased with so many test subjects.' My grin grew wider the more that thought settled, and Chrollo came closer.

'He's more about quality than quantity though. Will you take care of the corpses afterwards?'

'What an honor, will you be too busy handling Yellmi in the meantime that you won't do this for your dear obsession as well?' He huffed hearing me say that, kneeling down by the corpse. I reckon he knows all the faces in the family by now, so he actually knew the depths of despair this victim went through.

'Yellmi is top priority, you will take care of the dirty work you seem to like so much.' He reached out and stroke a finger atop the vertebrae that was sticking out a bit. But he wasn't off the mark, no.

'You know how to tickle my interest. How gruesome do you want it to be.' He retreated his finger along the cut and bruised cold skin of a remaining piece of neck. He was enjoying this, wasn't he.

'Seeing as I've been putting up a play for so long, make it a play for Kurapika to find them as well, he'll feel right at home.' I took a pleased breath,

'I will still take ask for the money though, this is a rather large job.'

'You should know that's not a problem.'

'Then I'll get started on capturing this family right away. I'll send Illumi your regards.' He nodded before standing up and walking to the back again to lay down for some rest.

 _You like to see yourself as impenetrable, but you_ must _know of your biggest weakness._ Even with that he believes he's nearly invincible.

… no, that's not it. He just doesn't care about his life, does he. He's made himself strong enough to be able to survive the consequences of doing what he likes, that's it. He doesn't care if he has enemies or not.

That's about the only overlap you have with Illumi, it's so fascinating. Ooeh, just thinking about this whole situation and what I'm allowed to do makes me tingle~

* * *

...The nightmare _had_ come true.

A month had I been in the hospital, in a coma. I'd been cut deep… As soon as I woke up, there'd been someone sitting next to my bed that I didn't recognize. When I turned my head his way, the older man stood up and locked the door. Before I could even fear the situation, he reassured me.

'Don't worry, I'm not out to kill you, I'm the one that made sure you got here in time.' _Who are you..?_ I wanted to speak up, but my voice faltered. 'Don't worry about that either, it'll come back in no time. I'm only here for two reasons.' I still don't understand anything of what's happened, and I was still hoping nothing had happened, but sadness inside of me was telling me that it had… 'We've been trying to track down Illumi for a while now, do you have a clue as to his whereabouts?' _Illumi..?_

He gave me a mobile to just type out the response, and I was surprised that my shaky fingers were able to.

"Illumi was a contact of Chrollo's, right?" I didn't want him to confirm that. That would mean everything had happened. I could see him mulling things over when he read that reply. I don't know who you are, but I don't know what I can trust and don't anymore.

I closed my eyes when realizing I didn't have lenses in and he'd seen my eyes… _Not another one, please not another one._

'It's Chrollo you've been having contact with?' I nodded in reply, 'What has he told you about Illumi?' Distracting myself with this didn't seem like a bad idea.

"Just that he was tracking Yellmi for him."

'That's it?' I nodded again. 'Then there's the point that I would like to have you admitted to my institution, but I can't do that without your consent.' _Institution..?_

"What kind of institution?"

'A psychological institution for killers.' My eyes shot wide open when he mentioned that. _I'd only be eligible for it if I've killed someone, so he knows about my family..?!_ 'Don't worry, we do not abuse our information network. However, we've been having trouble anything concerning Illumi and Chrollo. I am not sure what his objective has been staying with you for so long, and somehow he's been able to elude our net. I'll leave contact information with you in case you want to admit yourself. Considering no authorities have been involved in the lives you took, that is about all I can do. Unless you want me to twist your arm to make the decision easier.' After that entire story, there was really only one thing going through my mind, because none of this really mattered to me, and it was freaking me out that he knew so much.

"How's my family?" _They should have been here instead of you._ The silence that followed didn't exactly help, and his answer eventually neither,

'We're not sure. They disappeared and haven't appeared yet as of yesterday. Surveillance on your homes has been diminished after two weeks. We don't believe they'll return there, but that may be just what they're hoping for. I could…' He stopped talking when I already started typing again.

"I'm going to check myself."

'I will send someone to protect you.' I shook my head. No-one was coming along, I was doing this alone. We looked at each other for a while before he hung his head and sighed, complying. 'I'll make sure you leave here unnoticed. A taxi will be standing by for you.' He stood up after those words, and I was finally able to speak up myself when giving back the phone,

'Thank you.'

'Don't mention it. And don't hesitate to contact us.' He left a business card near my hand before disappearing. All he'd done for me is confirm that Chrollo actually is this evil persona that I hoped I'd been dreaming. I need to debunk that.

* * *

All I remember from the actual trip back home was the rain, the never ending downpour. I want to say that it accompanied my mood perfectly, but it didn't. I was numb from everything, all that remained was fear. I stood there in front of the door of the house where I had lived for seventeen years. I had to get over the paralyzing fear of long since knowing none of this was a dream, and I was all alone. Because if it hadn't been a dream, I would've woken up with both Chrollo and someone from the family next to my bed.

In the future I would say that going in there had been a good thing, but today I did not exactly share this opinion with my future self. I stood still on the reddened carpet in the hallway, dripping from the rain, thinning the scarlet color beneath my feet. I don't remember walking in, but it was at this point that I had no choice left but to admit it hadn't been a dream. There really was no-one left for me, was there. Worst part was, that it didn't look like they'd been dead for long, and if I'd woken up earlier, I still might have been able to do something, at the very least warn them.

Instead, I looked down at the lifeless, eyeless, broken and partly hollowed body of someone who used to be my little sister. _Of course you'd leave her here as first one to be found._

But I didn't throw up, I didn't cry, I didn't get choked up, my heartbeat nor my breathing increased or decreased, I was completely unable to handle it.

_This isn't Lianna, she doesn't even look like her anymore._

_I'm still in a coma dream, and I'll wake up from this._

_None of this is real, it's a cruel joke._

_This wasn't Chrollo's work._

The corners of my lips upturned thinking thoughts like that, but that was all that happened.

It was quiet, it was tranquil.

I was as dead as the body in front of me.

Time passed by without me noticing anything, I don't know how long I'd been standing there. After a while my legs automatically carried me through the rest of the house. I even kicked off my shoes and hung my coat next to another corpse out of habit, I was working on auto-pilot. Everyone had been brought back here. Everyone.

I stepped over legs, severed arms, severed heads, pieces of flayed bone, my mother's head split in half, displayed on the dinner table… How _am_ I even supposed to take any of this? I don't think I possess that knowledge.

I stopped before walking up the stairs past the de-limbed body of my dad all the way up, and lifted my hand to start thinking about this a bit more, listing it off in my head,

I've been taught how to deal with targets that notice you.

I've been taught how to deal with mending patients who are in bad conditions and might not make it.

I've been taught how to deal with keeping the family secret.

I've been taught how to lie to everyone outside of my family.

I've been taught how to deal with being exiled after taking Chrollo's side.

I don't think I've been taught how to deal with everyone I love being mutilated and killed by someone else I love, leaving me alone in the world. _And it's not like_ you _can teach me anymore, dad._ I looked up at the top of the stairs as I dropped my hand again.

'I should scream, shouldn't I?' I spoke up, taken aback by the calmness of my own voice. It was that same calm that Chrollo had been using all this time to deceive me, and I felt a glimmer of anger rising.

But more than that, my mind controlled my body, and I got my phone out of my pocket, dialing 911 on automatic pilot. As soon as I got someone on the other side of the line, I still calmly stated,

'I think we're going to need a couple of ambulances to carry off the bodies. There's 56 here, I don't know how many would fit in one. There's no-one left alive, so no need for medical attention.' After giving my address as well – even the one taking the call sounding more distressed than me - my hand dropped again, putting the phone away before I noticed my legs had started shaking. I walked to the front door, trying not to step on anything, but this time it being harder than before. I opened the front door for when the ambulances would arrive, turning back around after, stopping in the doorway to the living room where most of my family had been displayed like it was just some kind of horror puppet show.

A hand with a remote in it, legs leaning on the coffee table, a head where the lamp cover used to be, the light turned on to display the lack of a brain and eyes.

Is this shock?

I'm in shock, aren't I.

I lifted my hands that started shaking as well, and looked down at them. Feeling was slowly retreating from my skin.

If I try hard enough, will this picture disappear and my normal life continue? If I need it to cope enough, my mind will just create the illusion, right? Maybe if I start thinking about how I never made it up to them and everything ended in a fight, that I'll be able to get there. Not everyone is eligible to become delusional, but maybe, before I actually start feeling the pain, maybe I'll be able to get myself there.

I walked over to the tv where Pairo's head had been displayed, and I reached out to it. Tentatively I lay my hands on the sides of his head, looking into the black holes where his eyes used to be.

'I'm sorry I yelled at you. You were just lonely, weren't you.' I could feel that his brain had been left intact. 'As soon as you're alive again, I'll apologize. Chrollo is gone either way, so he won't be able to come in between us anymore. Soon you won't have felt any of his torture.' I leaned in to kiss his forehead, but I stopped when I noticed the lack of body heat. If I do this, will I break down, or will I be able to sink away?

I don't know.

Am I going to risk it?

Wait, am I crying already?

_No. No no no...!_

_If that happens now, I'll have to live with the pain._

_I don't want to, I can't, don't make…_

I let go of Pairo's head before I felt my knees give away but it still fell down with me, and I had to catch it, holding it in my lap. Tears were streaming down my face without anything else of my body reacting to it. With my eyes wide open, tears dropped down to mix with the blood on Pairo's face.

Has Chrollo even left already? I don't think he'll stick around for this, will he. Not that that really matters, I'll be leaving this behind soon enough, and everything will be like before I was cut from the family. I set Pairo's head down, curling my hands up in the carpet after.

_Just another minute, one more minute and I'll be able to do just that. I won't be able to live with the pain, it'll be the best option._

I won't have brought this down upon them, I won't have rejected them in favor of Chrollo, Chrollo will never have done this…

I heard sirens appear in the distance, and stopping in front of this house.

_No, I need one more minute, don't come near me before that._

But they didn't listen to my silent plea, and I heard them enter the house. First with haste, then more carefully. I heard their exclamations of horror and thought about how nice it must be to be detached enough to react that way.

'There he is!' Once I heard the words, I turned my head around to the person coming towards me. The horror on his face, seeing me sitting here in the middle of pieces of my family… that should've been my reaction, shouldn't it have been?

 _I_ should be that shocked.

I'm okay with slipping away into delusions, but the presence of life was interfering.

The moment he lay his arms around me to carry me out of here, I lost it. I lost the opportunity to slip away, and all the images I had accumulated since coming here flashed back before my eyes, together with how it was before, burning through each other. I shut my eyes tight and let out one, deafening scream until there was no air left in my lungs. My fingers clawed into the wood beneath the carpet.

It didn't help the pain flooding into me, it didn't make the situation undone, it didn't erase my stupidity, it didn't take away that I'd caused what I'd always feared.

And I fainted.

I whimpered for another couple of times trying to push the pain out, but my lungs refused to let air back in, and everything turned black before my eyes.

'Get the clean-up crew, I'll take care of-' The larger becoming distance erased all sound and feeling.

_Can I…_

_Can't I still just stay in a dream world?_

_I don't want to feel the pain, mom…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it bad if I say I felt inspired to write this?  
> But OHMYGOD did I feel inspired
> 
> A little combined look from both sides of the fence as a stark contrast of how Chrollo's been behaving, and how he actually is in this universe.


	31. Chapter 31

'Oh dear, it seems as though things have gone a little overboard, haven't they.' I woke up with the redhead next to my bed. _Back in the hospital again…_ That means I'm still alive and having to deal with everything, doesn't it…

I didn't turn my head to the voice of a certain accomplice of Chrollo's sitting next to my bed. _That spot wasn't reserved for you…_

'Hisoka? What are _you_ doing here.' I was unable to be scared of his presence. To be honest, death wasn't the worst thing that could happen to me now. I was just mad at myself for some reason, for him not being someone else. For him making the situation real again.

'Well I _am_ fairly interested in the man that did this to you. He's pretty quiet on personal information, what has he told you about Illumi?' He just kept talking though. I raised a hand to cover my eyes. They were tired, they were dried out, but they still wanted to push out tears.

But I didn't want him to see, everything about him made me mad, expecting me to part with information after all he probably did to me as well was one of the bigger reasons. I simultaneously felt like doing everything to him that I want to forget was done to my family, and felt too tired and petrified to even lift a finger.

'Why should I tell you anything?' I brought out after a short silence when I could even my voice a bit. I need him to go, and I wish my words could accomplish that.

'Oh, next to me being obviously dangerous, Chrollo was the one to completely shatter your trust, right? I kept an eye on him now and again, you seemed to have been very close, you must be devastated. Are you interested in revenge?' Wanting to sit up and get off the bed to push him out the window personally seemed a bad idea. My heart started beating faster in the activity, and I couldn't deal with that thing still beating in my chest. I didn't get further than sitting up before the vertigo of that emotion hit me and I grabbed my head again before hissing my answer through my teeth,

'Why in the ever-loving hell would I part with any kind of information with you when you were working with him!?' It ended up quite loud, and I turned my eyes to look at him. His image was still a bit blurry, and all I wanted was to beat that grin off his face. _Anything to not feel what I'm feeling._

But he just calmly answered,

'Kurapika Kurta, 17 years old, last surviving member of his family and last live holder of the scarlet eyes that have been genetically cultivated to be far superior to any human and species on this planet. Unfortunately creating the distinctive blood-red color along with it, people started wanting to hunt you for them.' My eyes slowly widened when I heard him say all of this.

'How do you know any of this...' I whispered, but that was just denying the obvious – the whole underworld knew of these eyes thanks to Chrollo, didn't they… _What have I done… how could I have messed up so bad…_

'One of the best trackers, but also one of the more sensitive ones, giving our dear friend the opportunity to infiltrate with ease. He then thoroughly broke you apart on an emotional level for more than half a year, up to the point where you will undoubtedly come crawling back to him and lead the most empty life an empathic person can lead.' _Please stop talking, you know I already know all of this…_ 'Tell me, Kurapika, are you interested in taking him down?'

'Why would you even want to, you are best buddies with him, aren't you.' I wanted to bite those words out, but it just wouldn't leave my throat with the same anger as before,

'I may or may not be working under Zeno's orders, I believe you met him earlier this week?' _I'm supposed to believe that he's a double agent for that psychological institution for killers? What kind of deceiving skills would you even need that Chrollo would still use you? And why didn't you turn him in sooner then? What kind of game are you playing?_

'… …' Nothing he says is true, is it. I don't even know if what Zeno said is true. What even can I trust anymore.

'What did he look like to you?' I lifted my head from my hand when I looked at him a bit longer in silence. _What he looked like to me?_

'What, does he have plastic surgery all the time or something?' Even this little confusion was better than to listen to my beating heart,

'Not exactly.' I raised an eyebrow for a second before I realized what he was implicating. _No, you have_ got _to be kidding me…_

Then again, I have to be honest don't I… What do I even still care about that, _what else is there even left to hurt me with…_

My heart shriveled up with that thought, and I looked down at the hands that lacked feeling folding into each other on my lap. I answered coolly,

'1m85, long, straight, black hair reaching to the small of his back, large black eyes, a slender athletic body…' The more I told him, the wider his grin grew. 'He called himself Chrollo, Illumi was said to be his accomplice.' _Even that was a lie, wasn't it._

'How very interesting. He told you he was hunting Yellmi for Illumi, didn't he.'

'What does any of this matter?' I closed my eyes again, they were pricking from drying out,

'I can help you with taking out Chrollo, but that will work better if you don't get admitted as a patient at Zeno's institution. I have acquired Chrollo, and I think it would be better to keep you two apart for a while, don't you.' Just saying the name only made me think about the happy times with him, and the word "apart" hurt. So no, it wasn't really a question that it would be better to keep us apart. 'Tell me, if you're interested in destroying him, I will make sure you will be involved in taking him out. I know of a way.'

'There's still no way for me to trust any of this is the truth.'

'Trust is a fragile thing, it can't be obtained with words, it's an instinct. You look and listen to someone, use your senses, take the impressions in, and then let your instinct decide. The thought process of doing so, of if it will be disadvantageous or dangerous for you, shouldn't take longer than a couple of seconds. I'd learn to develop those instincts a bit more if I were you.' When I turned to narrow my eyes at him, he continued. 'Of course after all the wisdoms "Chrollo" gave you, you won't so easily accept this, will you. But just stay close, and I will give you the opportunity to solve all of this without hurting your fragile being even further.' That's not your reason, your reason is for personal gain. I don't really care about that though,

'Just give me a way to contact you, I don't care about the rest.' I have more important things to do now.

'Good to hear. Top psychologist under Zeno, current secondary profession Assassin, and I have been approached to take you out by an independent party, should I cancel that?' He said all that when he stood up and lay a business card on the pillow. _Of course there's someone after me if you guys have been spreading information…_

'I don't have the money to pay you for that.' I followed the movement of his hand,

'Don't worry about that, I have other rewards in mind, not involving you.'

'Then just leave it with giving me the card, I don't need to know anything about you.'

'Why, thank you in obliging. I look forward to talking with you again. In the meantime, I believe these are yours.' He hunched down and picked up a small jar with two scarlet eyes floating in them, handing them to me. The silence inside of me slowly started to crack when I saw them looking at me, and have no idea how I was able to hold them without letting them fall. 'I can get more of those if you want, I don't mind, I like the hunt. Contact me when you're interested to see proof of reality.'

Vaguely I noticed Hisoka turning and leaving the room, leaving me staring at these disembodied eyes and all kinds of irrational thoughts shot through me in a second...

_I need to arrange funerals for everyone… they deserve better, they deserve a loving message, a proper goodbye._

_How will I be able to pay for 56 funerals? Is there some kind of state funding for that?_

_Can I still even access the family fortune?_

_Am I even allowed to deal with all of this, because I'm not a Kurta anymore..._

_Maybe I should start by reinstating my original family name._

_Is that possible before they have to be buried? How long have I been out this time..?_

The image of floating eyes in front of me on my lap was becoming a little shaky and blurry going through all of these thoughts looping in my mind, and I bit through my lip, ultimately shutting my eyes closed tightly.

I pulled the eyes in a closer embrace, hugging it tightly, wrapping myself around it completely. It's all I have left now of the life I used to have – parts of my family here and there. I still expect them to walk in through the doors, I could so vividly imagine it, like the one time I got hospitalized four years ago. Feeling their arms around me, Lianna giving me a hard time, mom giving some encouraging words, Pairo making fun of me…

Stuff like that is never going to happen again, and I just can't fathom it. I don't know how to live through that. I have about sixty, seventy years of life left, but I can't even imagine living through 24 hours feeling all of this.

I don't want to move from this spot. I don't want to move at all anymore. If I start moving again, then my life has to continue and I'll have to feel the pain. Please don't force me to do so, please don't…

_I'll have to find a place for my own, I have to finish school, I have to get a job, I have to apply for funding, I have to…_

'I can't!' I yelled out when I felt all of those obligations coming at me, 'I can't! I can't live like this! I can't goddamn wait until Hisoka's ready to take out Chrollo! I can't live all alone! I can't live knowing it all ended unresolved! I can't goddamn live knowing what Chrollo has done to all of you! I held your severed head in my lap, Pairo, how am I supposed to deal with that?! Please just tell me! Did you see what they did to Lianna? How much did she suffer? How much did any of you suffer? How much did you hate me knowing you were right...' My voice started to die down in whimpers when going through that line of thought. 'Why couldn't I have just slipped into delusions! I don't want to live this way Pairo! Chrollo is goddamn right, how am I supposed to trust anyone ever again after all of this?! As soon as he's gone, what will I have left? WHAT WILL I GODDAMN HAVE LEFT BUT YOU GUYS' PLUCKED OUT EYES?!' I hunched over some more, protecting what I had left with my body. Rocking a bit back and forth, 'I loved you all so much… you can't be gone… you can't be gone forever… what reason do I have left to live without any of you…' _I don't know…_

_I can't deal with this. I can't. I just can't._

_Please just kill me, Hisoka._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Kurapika describing Chrollo as Illumi has to do with Psycho Love's plot) (after all, this IS a prequel kinda story)
> 
> On a sad note, this story is coming to a close. Seeing Kurapika's mood lift again won't happen until I feel like I can write a sequel to PL. Because in the next few years unfortunately, little is gonna change for him - but that's for the next chapter.   
> I think I'll have that re-checked by the end of the day (aaahhhhh I can't apologize enough for forgetting to update here ;__; )
> 
> (And no, torturing Kurapika is not a hobby of mine, I just relate to him and because of that he gets to have my wonderful mood xD)


	32. Chapter 32

'Thank you for your help.' I smiled and bowed to Zeno, the head of that institution whom had saved my life after Chrollo had attacked me; he told me the story. They agreed to fund me – they offered so themselves after the funerals were over – because I was most probably going to be a crucial part in taking Chrollo down in the future. I don't mind being "employed" if it's for that.

When this future was gonna be, they could not estimate. It could be in half a year, it could be in ten. I'd hoped that a large institution such as this one would have been able to do a better job at guessing… I don't know how I'm supposed to live in the meantime…

Because to be honest, at this point it hurts to think about taking out Chrollo. Even though all his love and attention had been fake, I still felt all of it myself for him, and he's the last person living with whom I've felt that. That non-existent relationship had been real for me, and that non-existent person still holds my heart. Honestly, it scares me to say that it's going to be hard staying away from him.

I need help.

Chrollo and my family held dominance over all of my emotions, and both their partings hurt – thus hurt is all that I have left in my heart. To think I'm going to be going home to an empty house after school each and every day for probably years to come… I can't take that. So even though I would've requested somewhere else, they made sure I got the house next to Hisoka's and took care of everything. I'm not going to complain – I have no money whatsoever because I can't get to the family fortune, and I'll take what I can get. They said Hisoka is not home very often anyway, and even though he comes off as dangerous, he follows a certain set of rules he set up himself, and after working with him for a while, Zeno can deduct that he's not going to harm me. Apparently Illumi and Chrollo are too interesting to him, and because I'm connected to that, I'm in zero danger.

Even less than that, because he's more likely to protect me for a game he's playing and he's adept in what he does. So I believe me being housed next to him mostly has to do with a kind of protection.

Also, they said I could bother him anytime I'd need company or advice. Although I don't really think someone who actually loved working with Chrollo will do me much good, he's aware of the situation and at least I won't have to keep on guard with what I do or don't say.

'You can take the keys with you right away, but I recommend you sleep here for the night. We have a sleep room for employees, I'll keep it free for and lock it behind you.'

'Thank you, but no, I really need to… go.' I was feeling a bit dizzy, but I really didn't want to be anywhere near any of these people – employee or patient. This place was filled with killers. After everything that's happened, I want to be far away from that.

'You're forcing yourself too much.' He grumbled, loosely folding his hands on his desk, 'To an extent I can understand how it works with you – you push down your problems in order to either live or reach your goal, am I right?' I held my head for a second to counter the vertigo before I nodded him to continue. I've always lived this way – except for brief moments here and there - and right now there was no other choice left. 'Push it down far enough and you lose who you are. Technically you'll be alive, but I don't think you'll feel like that anymore. In time I recommend you allow yourself to feel the pain. We will pay for your professional help, but we'll give you a session with one of our own once a month as well. There's a distinct difference in the kind of counseling people need who've killed and people who haven't. But most importantly there's a distinct difference between what people go through who've lost a family member to murder, and being psychologically mangled by someone like Chrollo Lucilfer. Do you accept this help?'

'You really need me, don't you.' They're offering so much.

'Although Hisoka may give a strange impression, this institution was founded to genuinely analyze and help people like you. The only reason you'll not be here full-time is because you'd be too close to the object of your torture.' Somehow, somewhere, I could sense that he meant what he was saying, but my heart wouldn't believe it. I don't think I can believe anything anyone tells me at this point.

So I just smiled,

'Thank you for the help, then. But I'd appreciate it if you could drive me to my new home.' There was a moment of silence. I could tell that he wanted to keep me here anyway. If that's the case, I must really be doing a bad job in trying to keep myself together.

Well, fair's fair, I have no idea how I'm standing up in the first place.

'I'm sending one of my employees to live with you for the first month.' I blinked at him, hearing that,

'Really? You're allowed to demand such a thing of them?' It sounded too ridiculous to hear.

'It will be off the records, the rest is not of your concern. And what I think is that it's better for you to be able to talk and argue with someone and break down and cry or get mad, than it is to sit home alone and feel all the emptiness Chrollo probably wanted you to feel in which you'll lose yourself. You may think it's cruel not giving you your freedom, or putting you next to Hisoka, but his specialty is reaching the painful core of your problem; that's not a luxury for you at this point, it's a necessity.' _But I don't… I don't want someone else… I don't want to replace…_

'I can tell you're confused. But believe me, there's no reason to punish yourself, and we're not letting you fall into a serious mental illness just because you can't handle the situation right now – you see what it's done to Illumi and Chrollo, you know it's possible you become like that. Use that as motivation. And on top of that I'm giving you one piece of advice before I see you to a driver.' He stood up and walked around the desk, stopping a couple feet away from me, 'You will not look at Chrollo and Illumi as separate anymore, or it will be impossible to separate yourself from the first. Whenever you think of him, think of Illumi as well, and you will remember the world they live in and how they really are. Is that understood?' It was hard to say no to him at this point for some reason, so I nodded again. He gave me a thankful nod and a smile back before leading the way out the door.

I don't know anything anymore.

With a lot of trouble I'd been able to bury my family, but to me they're not gone. I still see them everywhere I go. I have to admit, somewhere I'd hoped to permanently see them if I'd be in that empty house for long enough, but Zeno just put a cruel stop to that…

Reality is too hard, and I want it to end.

It doesn't even matter how long it takes to take down Chrollo, does it.

If it takes a week, I'll be alone.

If it takes ten years, I'll be alone.

Because I won't be able to trust anyone, whether he's there or not.

That's still about seventy to eighty years of life left.

That's living 5/6th of my life on my own.

I can't do that…

I need an illusion for that…

'This one seems like quite the basket case, are you sure you're not keeping him?' Outside of the office we were greeted by Hisoka, unfortunately. I let out a small breath, but it was Zeno who answered,

'The sooner you can get Illumi here, the sooner you won't have to deal with Kurapika anymore, Hisoka. Considering your success up until now, it may take a while though.' I heard an undignified huff from the redhead's side before he casually started walking after us,

'What makes you say I would dislike the proximity. It's actually fascinating to have someone destroyed by Chrollo so close to me.'

'Am I _that_ interesting to you?' I spoke up a bit louder than intended,

'Actually you wouldn't qualify as a patient of mine, do you know why?'

'Why? Because you enjoy killing or torturing more than actually helping people?' I sneered at him,

'Because you're too easy to read.' Zeno grabbed my wrist and pulled me back beside him before I could start a fight,

'You can do that all you want once you're home. He merely didn't like being reminded that his prize eludes him.'

'You're a cruel man, Zeno.' I heard the slightly insulted words behind me, trying to compose myself again, 'I think me and Kurapika will get along just fine. It's more interesting than to get a dog.' When I stopped to turn around and hit him again, Zeno didn't stop me. That actually caught me off-guard and made me stop. I was left staring up at Hisoka for a weird second. 'Your vertigo is gone, isn't it? See, you're easy. All I had to do was redirect your focus a little.' I'm convinced that he let himself be hit against the jaw after that, but I _had_ to do it because I couldn't counter his words.

'Save it for when you get home, you two. Hisoka, you're driving him, you have no cases left for the day anyway.'

'Understood.' Hisoka gave me a scary look when he turned his head back to me. A kind of playful malice exuding from him. I'm interesting to him because I'm a key to destroying Chrollo, right? Thank god it's just that…

'You're a psycho, how are you not a patient?' I raised my voice a bit more again,

'Well, who better to understand them?' I turned my head to Zeno for an explanation to the lunacy of letting someone like him in people's minds, but he just shook his head. _How is this place even real…_

'Don't worry, if it shows you're regressing we'll pull you out.'

'Gee, thanks.'

'We can't apologize enough for not catching him sooner and prevent this, but you will be cooperative, do you understand?' I nodded at him, turning back to Hisoka when he started walking again.

'Don't worry, you're in the hands of the top psychologist.' He raised one of his hands in demonstration, snaking his fingers a little. A shiver went up and down my spine watching him do that.

'That's still Pariston, Hisoka.'

'He'll move on to work somewhere else very soon…' They kept talking like that all the way outside, but I zoned out in the meantime. It was too much, I couldn't take any change, I just didn't know how. I am alone, and this is a truth I will be forced to live with from now on.

How can anyone live with-

I was stopped in that thought when Hisoka turned back around to me, and gave me a look that spelled he knew exactly what was going through me. At the same time I felt violated and understood, so I chose to look away.

'Well, if you can learn to trust _me_ to an extent, you'll be able to discern truth from lie in no time and make new contacts if you so please. I don't understand why that's so hard to understand.'

'… …' He was constantly mocking me, but I didn't have the energy to counter. I guess I'll focus on dealing with him for now, we'll see what happens after.

'Let's just get going before it gets dark and you get murderous tendencies again.' His grin grew wider before Zeno gave me his goodbyes and good lucks. _You must be really sure of how Hisoka works that you're letting him near me._

'I think I'm starting to like you.'

'You only "like" me because you can get to Chrollo because of it.'

'Illumi.'

'Whatever.' He let out a soft laugh before getting in the car.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but…

_At the very least I won't be completely alone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Kurapika having to go and deal with Hisoka after all this...
> 
> But I wholeheartedly agree with Zeno on this. Any company is better than no company at this point. (PL readers, I'm putting Nobunaga to live with him for now to give him a relatively sane person. Kurapika deserves a sane person after all this xD)
> 
> And to clarify, Zeno does know about Hisoka's side jobs, and no he is not aware of Hisoka and Chrollo's cooperation. He doesn't know that it was Hisoka who displayed Kurapika's family. It's one of the only things Hisoka has been able to keep secret from Zeno.
> 
> But yeah, this is it ;_;  
> This is the point I wanted to reach with Kurapika. I could write about his struggles up until the point where it meets PL completely, but I feel like I've painted a clear enough picture to bridge that, and it would feel like filler - after all, this story was specifically meant as Chrollo/Kurapika's past, not specifically Kurapika's.
> 
> As I've told with Fox on the Run, I'm in the process of piecing my life back together, so the first thing I'll do when I have the time/energy again, will be to see to it that FotR gets finished. For the first time since PL I actually feel like the characters of my own story are alive, and that'll be my main focus for now.
> 
> I am now hugging you all, just so you know - I have gadget arms - and I will be back


End file.
